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The Playwrights Forum > The Art & Craft of Writing > Poet's Corner : Critique my Poem > The Employee

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The Employee  Rate Topic 
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 Posted: Tue Mar 24th, 2009 02:41 am
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Potabasil
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Location: Peyton Place, New Hampshire USA
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Mana: 
She applied for the job
I took her on
Her mother also
They were a team
We gave them a bonus
Our domestics

The snow has left
Almost ninety per cent
Today Fabio came
It's Spring clean-up time

I put the children to bed
Read them a story
Said God bless
The house in a mess

The employee was outside
I turned on the light
I could not believe
What a sight

Another killing season
Is just before me
I cannot take it
This killing season

Before my eyes I saw the carnage
Surely I cannot survive this

A little black bat was pleading for mercy
She had her claws out and her teeth a ready
To suck the blood of a vampire teething

If she were human
she would get
Twenty years

The fire is lit
Licking her lips
She looks at me
With an expression
What recession?










Last edited on Wed Mar 25th, 2009 09:05 pm by Potabasil

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 Posted: Tue Mar 24th, 2009 04:07 pm
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timmy
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Potabasil:

The ending is bravo.

Last stanza is a shift in tense (and I'm not saying that's terrible...I actually love playing with a word like "lying" with its multiple meanings)...but -ing here messes with the rhythm.  Seems out of place somehow.

Like the mystery around the "employee/domestics" and how you treat the personification until the end.  Word choice "carnage" in juxtiposition with the little children & "god bless" is a nice touch.

Might consider trimming stanza 2...not sure it's needed.  Trim every unnecessary word: e.g. "a lot" or "this night" It's redundant (you're reading a bedtime story...it must be night).  Look for the necessity of each word.

Two poems in two days.  I'm impressed ;

timmy

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 Posted: Tue Mar 24th, 2009 04:22 pm
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Potabasil
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Thank you so much Timmy.

Last edited on Wed Mar 25th, 2009 09:06 pm by Potabasil

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