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The Playwrights Forum > The Art & Craft of Writing > Poet's Corner : Critique my Poem > Grasshopper

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 Posted: Mon Aug 7th, 2006 08:08 pm
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nikip
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It's on the calendar! x

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 Posted: Mon Aug 7th, 2006 07:45 pm
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Kate
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From now on, August 7 will be Grasshopper Day. 

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 Posted: Mon Aug 7th, 2006 07:41 pm
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nikip
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Gosh Kate!  That is alarming.  I am certain it was dead when I flushed it down the toilet!  Maybe it is a regressed grasshopper or something and will sit in your field telling you stories of how a woman once wrote a rather curious poem about him as he lay dead in a bathroom.  You never know!  I find it strangely comforting that we have shared a grasshopper day.  Please, however, do not crash your car in your enthusiasm!  And thanks Coreupted for an interesting interpretation.

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 Posted: Mon Aug 7th, 2006 07:29 pm
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Kate
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That's it!  CoreUpted - you've hit the grasshopper on the head!  It's what we are so blase about: grasshoppers/cartoons; starving child/cliche... we sometimes wish we could not be so cynical/cold.  Where's our sensitivity gone?  Etc.  Now it's my turn to wonder what the hell I'm talking about - and I have even been underwater for hours!

By the way, Nikip, I was driving home from work tonight along the bypass, and suddenly there was something crawling along my windscreen - and it was a green grasshopper!!!!  Was it yours?  It made its way round the corner to my side window, its antennae blowing in the wind (and me swerving round cars cos I was busy watching it not the road) and hung on all the way home.  I parked the car by the field next to our house and it hopped off.  Two grasshoppers in one day.

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 Posted: Mon Aug 7th, 2006 06:31 pm
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CoreUpted
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i know i'm taking massive and uncalled for liberties with someone elses work here, but i've written another verse for nikip's poem (is verse right?).

Starving Child,

when I picked up on your picture in the charity ad in the paper


and dropped you down my list of my priorities

I thought to myself

“Why can I only see the cliche?”

 

Why can I not see behind your eyes?

sorry. i accept this is probably a total crap addition (poet i'm not) and probably not PC and not even where nikip was going. also, i can't see straight - been underwater for about 16 hours of the last 36. need sleep. goodnight all (it's only gone noon here but i've been on 2 night dives).

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 Posted: Mon Aug 7th, 2006 05:45 pm
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nikip
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Glad to brighten your day Kate!  Your comments were great.  I actually thought that I  would probably get seriously slated for it being a big pile of poo!  Glad you and Coreupted have had some pleasure out of my writer's block morning!

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 Posted: Mon Aug 7th, 2006 05:41 pm
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nikip
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Thanks very much CoreUpted.  Really appreciate you taking the trouble to read it.  I used "doinked" and "lolloped" partly because they are onomatopoeaic (is that how you spell it?  Never sure!) and partly because they fitted with the "cartoon" imagery of the dying grasshopper.  I just didn't think that "hit" on the head would have had the same appeal.  And it doesn't matter what you see or don't see in the poem in a way.  What I meant and how you read it may be totally different things!  Great to have your comments.  Thanks again

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 Posted: Mon Aug 7th, 2006 05:14 pm
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CoreUpted
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hi nikip.

to be absolutely, brutally honest i don't like poetry much (i personally find a lot of it self-serving, pretentious, artificial and deliberately discoursive, often written be people who try too hard to find something to say, rather than having something to say and using the genre to say it) but i really, really liked this! if you can capture my imagination and interest, i think it must have merit (i'm not qualified to say whether it was 'good' or not).

having admitted my antagonism to the genre, can i just say that (as a supposed objective critique) i thought there were three words which let it down - 'doinked' and 'lolloping' - which whilst descriptive i'm not sure are internationally understood (i'm estonian but an english speaker by birth from my father, and i think i get the drift but maybe others might not) - and 'loo paper' - i didn't think you needed the word 'loo' at all.

i can't say i see what Katie means about it being metaphorical and saying anything about your state of mind - or therefore agree with it - but i genuinely loved the analogy between stark reality and the unreality of the cartoon world!

but maybe i'm just shallow...

Last edited on Mon Aug 7th, 2006 05:15 pm by CoreUpted

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 Posted: Mon Aug 7th, 2006 01:37 pm
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Kate
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Nikip

This brought a ray of sunshine into today!  I love your ability to make the ordinary extraordinary.  And your cartoon-like use of ordinary language was insightful!  And what you say about the grasshopper reflects so much about yourself and your state of mind - i.e. that small bathroom world and the grasshopper used metaphorically.  It's great that you were feeling yukky about writing today, but still went and wrote that!!!  Brilliant!

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 Posted: Mon Aug 7th, 2006 01:02 pm
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nikip
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I’m bored today all.  Bored and with a dry head.  Can’t get into my play AT ALL.  Had a busy, family type weekend and am a million miles from writing again.  I am not good at picking it back up again.  Thought I would just share a morning experience with you, just because this is today’s brain and I need to try and write something!

 

Grasshopper

 

Grasshopper,

it must be tough enough being lime green

and jumping around in a rather curious gait,

but when I saw you this morning,

dead;

legs in the air on my bathroom chest of drawers

I imagined that last fateful jump

when you doinked your head on the cupboard above

and you fell into a swoon

complete with stars and tweet tweet tweets

that twirled and danced around your glazed bulging eyes

and lolloping tongue (do you have a tongue by the way?)

 

Grasshopper,

when I picked up your corpse in loo paper

and plopped you down the toilet bowl

I thought to myself

“Why can I only see the cartoon?”

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