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 Posted: Sun Aug 16th, 2009 09:21 pm
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Clausey
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AT RISE: A cat is sitting on a chair with a lamp next to it. Enter and OLD WOMAN with a basket containing a hat, thread, a coin purse, and clippers.

 

OLD WOMAN: Oh why hello Mrs. Finicky. I’m sorry if I frightened you with my absence, I was only rummaging through my basement looking for some knick-knacks that might spark nostalgia, you know. I found myself a new old coin purse and some old thread that needs clipping. I also found this hat I acquired when I was in my younger days, it was from Paul Slick. He was the local pretty girl that every girl wanted, you know. He was so handsome but such a user. He played all the ladies, I was no exception.  (she gets a large piece of string and cuts it off) To suddenly move away with such good looks… what a misfortune. (the cat meows) Oh my, this yellow thread reminds me of the type Miss Annabel Scott would sell. She was the daughter of the convenience store owner across the street, you know. She was so smart but oh so greedy. Always trying to trick her customers into paying more, I was no exception. (she gets a large piece of string and cuts it off) To suddenly run away from home with such potential… what a misfortune. (the cat meows) Oh this new coin purse I found down there, it reminds me such of one that Mrs. Beatrice Albert use to have. She was the plump lady with the big family down the avenue, you know. She was such a great cook but such a busy body! Always spreading rumors about people, I was no exception. (she gets a large piece of string and cuts it off) To suddenly leave town with such a big family… what a misfortune. (the cat meows) Yes, yes, I guess you’re right Mrs. Finicky, it was their own choice. If anything, their victims benefitted from their misfortune, in one way or another. (the cat meows) What’s that Mrs. Finicky? You would like to go out and play? (she takes the cat out into the back and sets it free) Just remember, don’t let those other cats take advantage of you; you can actually do something about it. Have fun Mrs. Finicky.

(BLACKOUT)

 

 

 

 

I decided to stick with a darker theme rather than my preferred "satire" and "mockery"-esque themes because I feel it's something I should brush up on since darker themes are my favorites when it comes to spectating and I'd one day like to write something more on the darker side.

 

I am a bit self-skeptical on the language though. I've never wrote something quite... old... so... yeah.

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 Posted: Sun Aug 16th, 2009 10:53 pm
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Moonmi
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You seem to have the same problem I have.

You write  three words, when one will do.

I had someone tell me to do two things: Read it out loud to yourself so you can hear all of the words in context.

And try taking each sentence and dissecting it to just the most essential words that get the point across.

I loved the idea of this old women reminiscing about her past exploits. 

I like the dark side, and juxtaposing it against the sweetness of the old woman is a nice touch.

Like my old English teacher told me, less is more sometimes.

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 Posted: Mon Aug 17th, 2009 12:11 am
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Clausey
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Yes! Thank you! I truly appreciate you're feedback!

I really need to be around more old people because what I guess I was going for with the excess of words was trying to make her sound old rather than having an old woman sound like she was born in the 90's. But I guess I went too far at times. Thanks for the advice! 

Anyways, I did what you suggested and dissected out certain phrases that can be summed up in less words and also cleaned up certain sections here and there. However, I've decided to keep the "you know" because one of my great grandmothers would always talk like that and I thought it was kinda odd.

 

AT RISE: A cat is sitting on a chair with a lamp next to it. Enter and OLD WOMAN with a basket containing a hat, thread, a coin purse, and clippers. The cat meows and the OLD WOMAN places the basket on the floor next to the chair and places the cat on her lap.

 
OLD WOMAN: Oh hello Mrs. Finicky. (the cat meows) Did I frighten you with my absence? I’m sorry, I was rummaging through the basement for some knick-knacks to remember the old times and share them with you. I found myself an old coin purse and some thread that needs clipping. (the cat meows) You’re right, I also found this hat I acquired when I was in my younger days, it was from Paul Slick. He was the local pretty guy that every girl wanted, you know. He was so handsome but such a user. He played all the ladies, I was no exception.  (she gets a large piece of string and cuts it off) To suddenly move away with such good looks… what a misfortune. (the cat meows) You know, Mrs. Finicky this yellow thread reminds me of the type Miss Annabel Scott would sell. She was the daughter of the convenience store owner, you know. She was so smart but oh so greedy. Always trying to trick her customers into paying more, I was no exception. (she gets a large piece of string and cuts it off) To suddenly run away from home with such potential… what a misfortune. (the cat meows) And this coin purse I found down there, it reminds me of one that Mrs. Beatrice Albert used to have. She was the plump lady with the large family down the avenue, you know. She was such a good mother but such a busy body! Always spreading rumors about people, I was no exception. (she gets a large piece of string and cuts it off) To suddenly leave town with such a big family to tend to… what a misfortune. (the cat meows) Yes, yes, I guess you’re right Mrs. Finicky, it was their own choice. If anything, their victims benefitted from their misfortune, in one way or another. (the cat meows) What’s that Mrs. Finicky? You want to go out and play? (she takes the cat out into the back and sets it free) Just remember, don’t let those other cats take advantage of you; you can do something about it. Have fun Mrs. Finicky.

(BLACKOUT)

Last edited on Mon Aug 17th, 2009 03:35 am by Clausey

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