Too much melodrama, e.g. "Tarry for a while, if you must." Though I enjoy the framing of its subject. And such irony as "give thanks to our ignorance."
However, your poem is too plain-spoken, e.g., Too contrived your "the vibrations of cosmic laughter," or your "celestial harmony." Or "Bathe in the warmth of a solar shower."
More specificity would enable the reader to experience the dilemma, participate more fully in the creative process.
"Eat lunch on a cosmic wave" is perhaps too coy. As it stands your narrative poem runs a short distance with too many quiet lines. Try less pomposity, more colorful, specific language to engage at a deeper level.
Last edited on Wed Nov 18th, 2009 04:19 pm by