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The Playwrights Forum > The Art & Craft of Writing > Poet's Corner : Critique my Poem > A Gift

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 Posted: Wed Nov 18th, 2009 04:24 pm
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Kurt
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Last edited on Sun Dec 13th, 2009 02:19 am by Kurt

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 Posted: Wed Nov 18th, 2009 04:16 pm
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erslyman
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Kurt wrote: Too much melodrama, e.g. "Tarry for a while, if you must." Though I enjoy the framing of its subject. And such irony as "give thanks to our ignorance."However, your poem is too plain-spoken, e.g., Too contrived your "the vibrations of cosmic laughter," or your "celestial harmony." Or "Bathe in the warmth of a solar shower."More specificity would enable the reader to experience the dilemma, participate more fully in the creative process.


"Eat lunch on a cosmic wave" is perhaps too coy. As it stands your narrative poem runs a short distance with too many quiet lines. Try less pomposity, more colorful, specific language to engage at a deeper level.






 






















 

































 

































 


Last edited on Wed Nov 18th, 2009 04:19 pm by

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 Posted: Sat Oct 17th, 2009 05:01 am
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Kurt
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Last edited on Sun Dec 13th, 2009 08:36 pm by Kurt

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