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Hatshepsut, Daughter of Thebes---1-10  Rating:  Rating
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 Posted: Thu Nov 5th, 2009 03:59 pm
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Kurt
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Last edited on Sat Dec 12th, 2009 01:34 pm by Kurt

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 Posted: Fri Nov 13th, 2009 04:42 pm
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Corerro
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HAHA!

Kurt, I love the updated status. I haven't ventured onto the site for a couple of weeks but know what it's like when a post gets a chilly reception. Post it again and I will try to take a look at it over the next few days.

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 Posted: Fri Nov 13th, 2009 05:20 pm
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Kurt
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Last edited on Sat Dec 12th, 2009 01:34 pm by Kurt

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 Posted: Sat Nov 14th, 2009 01:34 pm
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Corerro
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Hey Kurt...

Well first let me commend you on such an ambitious undertaking. Writing a play that sheds light on ancient historical figures is always a treat/challenge.


I like the idea of this character rising from the sands of time once more, so wish you lots of creative juices to see it through.

With that said, the direction of the piece is somewhat lost on me.

In those first 3 scenes we hop from the front of the house to the mountains to a palace chamber? and in those 17 pages come across a lot of names (admittedly unfamiliar to me, save Isis and the title character)... So there is a great deal of fact coming in and little conflict. I get very little sense of the "start" of the play. Some might call this the inciting incident, but I'm just calling it the bang. I couldn't find it. Now mind you, I'm taking the morning before play rehearsal at a local coffeehouse to read it but it never JUMPED out at me.

I question whether or not in all of the exposition that we have, there is a more economical or juicy point of attack for the story.


The language I appreciate. As a writer who is in an ongoing battle with blending heightened text and the more colloquial I applaud the lofty, image rich wordsmithing you're bringing to the table... But I'm not sure it serves the play in those early scenes. Simple questions like "Is that you?" get ornamented to a point where I got the impression the two brothers were "outwit/speaking" each other.

So, those are my thoughts at present. Best of luck with the project.

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 Posted: Sat Nov 14th, 2009 06:42 pm
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Kurt
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Last edited on Sat Dec 12th, 2009 01:32 pm by Kurt

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 Posted: Sat Nov 14th, 2009 11:02 pm
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Corerro
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Kurt--

Got it... Difficult feats are the best kind. I was merely offering that as an actor (which is what I am first) and a reader... There was a murkiness that didn't strike me so much as intentional masking of a story about to unfold as much as a set up of the play that wasn't "engaging" on the first 10 pages...

The facts may be accurate, but I think the drama of the scenes are what I'm missing, if I may be so blunt. The initial sense of conflict is not there for me, at this stage... But as I must say I'm only one person. Perhaps on the next page after where you've left off there's a big pull in to the story.

I think the question that I would ask if I were a Lit Manager is whether or not the piece is attempting to be a history lesson or a reimagined telling of this story (as I was under the impression it was since you are creating a romance that has not be substantiated by any facts.... right?)

Anyhoo, they're observations you can hop on or disregard, just wanted to keep my word and give it a lookover! As always, best of luck in the writing!

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 Posted: Sat Nov 14th, 2009 11:16 pm
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Kurt
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Last edited on Sat Dec 12th, 2009 01:33 pm by Kurt

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 Posted: Wed Nov 18th, 2009 06:49 pm
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Henry Morgan
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Hey Kurt,you withdrew it too hastily.I clocked it on Prodscripts,so had to read it there,what little they gave,
I wanted more.

I'm unaware of your own writing process but my own is such that it takes over my head to the point that I'm unable to do anything apart from maintain the basics of life.Certainly not reading other peoples'.I sympathise because when complete,I impatiently want instant response!
Anyway I'm going to critique what isn't there!
I liked it and sincerely hope that it sees the lights of broadway.I liked the interplay between the characters,the musical content and the ambitious setting.If I have a criticism,it's that I felt the early scenes were too short,perhaps because I enjoyed the dialogue so much that I wanted them to continue.I look forward to seeing the complete play,I might even buy it!

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 Posted: Wed Nov 18th, 2009 07:13 pm
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Kurt
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http://www.productionscripts.com/kurt-ardrey-hatshepsut-daughter-thebes-p-240.html



Last edited on Sat Dec 12th, 2009 01:33 pm by Kurt

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 Posted: Sun Aug 14th, 2011 10:21 pm
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Corerro
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Not sure if anyone else knew this, but I came across Kurt's obituary a few weeks ago. It appears that he passed in '10. Was shocked as I met him through this forum and only had the chance to get one good conversation in with him via email.


*** ADDITION 8/17/11... For others of you interested in reading... Here's the late Mr. Ardrey's obituary.***

http://www.legacy.com/obituaries/toledoblade/obituary.aspx?n=kurt-peters-ardrey&pid=139521322

Last edited on Wed Aug 17th, 2011 07:04 am by Corerro

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