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 Posted: Tue Dec 15th, 2009 09:47 pm
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Clausey
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Joined: Mon Jun 8th, 2009
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Mana: 
This play is somewhat special to me because it was the first ever play that was performed to an audience. It was performed in my acting class since my acting professor came to the conclusion that this would be the only way to bypass all the beuracratic legal BS that revolves around theatre. Anyhow, I apologize for the tabs in advance and enjoy!

 


                        Bus People

 



A Ten Minute Play

 

                        by

 

                        Martin G. Gonzalez

 


Cast of Characters

 

Trish Macintosh:             A self proclaimed “reporter” and fast talking blond. Early teens.

 

Ivan:                        Trish’s camera man and boyfriend. Early teens

 

Bus Driver:                  A big and husky female bus driver and, according to Trish, a drug tycoon who is the lesbian queen of the bus drivers. Early 40’s.

 

Old Conspiracy Theorist:     A retired Harvard Professor and, according to Trish, a crazed conspiracy theorist who believes that the government is in his head. Late 70’s.

 

Crazy Cat Lady:              A math teacher and, according to Trish, a crazy cat lady with one hundred cats all named Mittens. Early 50’s.

 

Scene
 

A street corner and a portion of an interior of a bus.

 

Time
 

Present Day.

 

Bus People


 







SETTING:


The location takes place in two places.  The first is a street corner with nothing in particular and the second is the interior of a bus containing, at least, the bus driver’s seat along with three other seats, or one long horizontal row.



 


 



AT RISE:


LIGHTS on the “Street Corner”.   TRISH is standing in the center with IVAN holding a camcorder and standing next to her at an angle.


 

trish

Are we ready to go Ivan?

 

IVAN

You’re good to go in--

(Counts down.)


Three, two, one.

(Signals her to start.)


 

TRISH

Bus people.  The world’s burden.  The reason we can’t have nice things in life.  Hi this is Trish Macintosh and today I will be doing a documentary on the infamous bus people.

 

IVAN

Trish, are you sure about this?

 

TRISH

Of course I’m sure about this you idiot!  I’m the reporter!  Now make sure to edit that out, people don’t want to listen to your doubts, they want to listen to my facts.

 

IVAN

Whatever you say.

 

TRISH

Ladies and gentlemen we are awaiting the arrival of a--  

(Sounds of a bus stopping are heard.)


Wait! What is that noise?!  Could it be?!  Yes it’s a bus!  Those mythological overgrown cars you hear about in TV!  They’re

TRISH (Cont.)


real, and after only fifteen minutes of waiting we’ve finally encountered one!  We must cut to a commercial break right now but when we return we will be going inside the bus!

 

(BLACKOUT “Street Corner”.  LIGHTS “Bus”.  TRISH and IVAN are standing in front of a BUS DRIVER.  An ELDERLY MAN [OLD CONSPIRACY THEORIST] is sitting inside and reading a book.)

 

bus driver

The fare will be one dollar for each of y’all.

 

(IVAN hands the BUS DRIVER two coins.)

 

TRISH

Ladies and gentlemen, I believe we’ve just encountered the elusive bus driver.  What mysteries do these people really hold?  Some would say that they are members of a hidden underground world of bus drivers who do battle in order to see who the victor amongst them is.  By the shape and girth of this one, it is all but unobvious that she is Big Butch, the carpet-munching bus driving queen who drives buses by day and runs her dope distributing empire by night.  Big Butch, care to share a word with the viewers at home?

 

BUS DRIVER


I just want to say that by law I’m not allowed to touch and or insult you.  But seeing as how you know, for a fact, that I’m the drug selling, bus driving, lesbian queen, I’ll simply use the fact that you also know that I’m mentally ill to justify that I didn’t know touching someone was associated with kicking your ass!

 

TRISH

Oh so brutal!  I sure hope she does not claim me as her prize!

 

BUS DRIVER

Listen blondy, either you and your friend get your behinds onto one of those seats or you’re both out of my bus.

 

trish

Notice how Big Butch justifies the fact that she is the queen of bus drivers by claiming that this is “her bus”.

 

BUS DRIVER

Now!

 

TRISH

Come Ivan, let us do as Big Butch tells us, we don’t want to get involved in no underground bus-ran drug distribution.

 

(TRISH and IVAN sit down next to OLD CONSPIRACY THEORIST.  Sounds of the bus starting up and driving off are heard.)

 

TRISH

Viewers we are witnessing a rare sight indeed!  An old conspiracy theorist!

 

OLD conspiracy theorist

Well I wouldn’t agree with you about the old part, but I do believe there are some inconsistencies with what you are told and what is fact.

 

TRISH

Like most old conspiracy theorists’ you probably held a high seat of power back in the days, am I right?

 

OLD CONSPIRACY THEORIST

Correct.  I used to be a professor at Harvard law--

 

trish

Let me guess!  You were employed by the government but couldn’t take the exploitation of extraterrestrials so you were about to tell the world but right before that happened they messed with your mind, am I right?!

 

OLD conspiracy theorist

No, I never said that, you cut me off right after I told you that--

 

 

TRISH


(Covering the OLD CONSPIRACY THEORIST’s mouth with her hand.)


Viewers, old conspiracy theorists are renowned for their wild theories.  One of many beliefs is that they were once normal, smart people with lots of money when, in fact, they’ve always been stupid, uneducated, Medicare parasites.

 


OLD CONSPIRACY THEORIST (Angered.)


(Removing TRISH’s hand from his mouth.)


Excuse me young lady but I will not stand this type of disrespect!  I can prove to you that I was a Harvard professor!

(He shows her a crest inside of his wallet.)

These crests are only given to retired Harvard professors and--

 

TRISH

Even going as far as to make a fake Harvard professorial crest.

 

(The OLD CONSPIRACY THEORIST opens his book and starts reading, ignoring TRISH.)

 

TRISH (Cont.)


You-hoo, are you having visions of the future?

 

OLD CONSPIRACY THEORIST

(Focusing on his book.)


I’m ignoring you.

 

TRISH

He’s obviously talking to the government through a chip he thinks was implanted on top of his head right here.

(TRISH touches the OLD CONSPIRACY THEORIST’s head.)

 

OLD CONSPIRACY THEORIST

(Focusing on his book.)


Do not touch me!

 

 

TRISH

He appears to be in the midst of an interrogation by the government over his contact with the extraterrestrials and doesn’t seem to be giving in!  Fight on old man!  Fight on!

 

(Sounds of the bus stopping are heard.)

 

OLD CONSPIRACY THEORIST

God have mercy on the ignorant.

 

(The CONSPIRACY THEORIST exits. A WOMAN [CRAZY CAT LADY] gets on with a bag of groceries and sits next to TRISH and IVAN and smiles at them. Sounds of the bus starting off and driving off are heard again.)

 

TRISH

Viewers, we lost track of the old conspiracy theorist.  But we’re in for a treat indeed!  Over here we have the infamous crazy cat lady from ancient folklore.

 

(The CRAZY CAT LADY gives out a chuckle.)

 

CRAZY cat lady

Oh kids these days.

 

TRISH

Crazy cat lady, we are doing a video documentary on bus people. You seem more sane than the average crazy cat lady, will you allow us to film and interview you?

 

(The CRAZY CAT LADY gives out another chuckle.)

 

craZy cat lady

Oh, why of course.

 

TRISH

How many cats do you own?

 

CRAZY CAT LADY

I own one, and her name is mittens.

 

TRISH

Crazy cat ladies are renowned for mistaking the number one with the number one hundred.  Scientists believe that this sort of inherited dyscalculia is an evolutionary trait that allows crazy cat ladies to tolerate the smell of all that kitty litter.  It is only obvious that this cat lady, amongst all the others, is stupid.

 

CRAZY CAT LADY (Angered.)


Excuse me!  But I’m actually a math teacher, I understand you’re doing this for fun and games but I will not be defamed in such a manner!

 

TRISH

Make believe identities, lack of understanding of serious situations: all part of a cat lady’s crazy daily routine.

 

CRAZY CAT LADY (Flustered.)


Excuse me.  I have to make a call.

 

(The CRAZY CAT LADY gets out her cell phone and moves away from TRISH and IVAN.)

 

TRISH

Viewers, we are seeing an event not documented often.  Rumor hath it that crazy cat ladies are constantly paranoid about the state of being of their cats.  In other words, they don’t want them to be as lonely as they are.  They tend to mend this overreaction by calling their cats and leaving a message on the answering machine every ten minutes to reassure their cats that mommy will be home soon.

 

(TRISH notices the shopping bags and is about to grab one.)

Ivan

Trish, I don’t think that’s--

 

TRISH

Shut up Ivan!  I’m the reporter!  Not you!  You’re just the camera man!

 

ivan

I’m just warning you.

 

TRISH

I’m just warning you!  One more interruption and we are over!  Make sure you edit that out.  Viewers, we are just about to analyze the contents inside of the crazy cat lady’s bags.  Ivan, I’m going to need you to give me a close up for this.

(Pulling out a carton of milk.)


Here we have a carton of milk, a crazy cat lady never buys milk in bulk, they believe that it is disrespectful to the cat god Meowphrodite.

(Pulling out some food.)


And here we have. . . well this is both strange and disturbing. . . it appears to be people food.  Viewers disregard what I said earlier about this crazy cat lady being less crazy than the average crazy cat lady because it appears that she has slipped off of her sanity to an extent where she believes that her one hundred cats, all named Mittens, are actual people.  And what do we have here?

(Reveals adult diapers.)


Aha!  Depends!  This proves it.  Cats can’t be potty trained and she doesn’t want herself to sink into a sort of realistic anxiety and go even crazier at the thought that her cats aren’t actual people.

 

(The CRAZY CAT LADY returns and sees TRISH digging through her bags.)

 


CRAZY CAT LADY (Appalled.)


What are you doing with my mother’s diapers?!

 

TRISH

Viewers the crazy cat lady has sunk to a point of delusion in which she thinks that her cats are her mother!

 

 

crazy cat lady

Bus driver! This girl is tampering with my belongings!

 

 

BUS DRIVER

Alright! I’ve had enough of you!

 

(The BUS DRIVER pulls the brake and makes her way onto where TRISH and IVAN are sitting and gently grabs TRISH from the hand and begins to escort her out.  IVAN follows the two.)

 

TRISH (Psycho-like.)


(While being escorted out.)


Help!  I am being attacked by the drug lord slash bus driving lesbian queen herself!  Viewers if you are watching this do not panic!  I am a trained professional, ready to deal with--

 

(BLACKOUT “Bus”.  LIGHTS “Street Corner”.  TRISH and IVAN are standing outside of the corner.)

 

BUS DRIVER (O. S.)

And don’t you dare ride a bus ever again!

 

(Sounds of the bus driving off are heard.)

 

TRISH

Ladies and gentlemen, I have just survived one of the most traumatic experiences that any reporter could have suffered.  Not many people have had the misfortune of meeting a bus driver, let alone the queen of bus drivers, let alone a lesbian queen of bus drivers, let alone the drug tycoon lesbian queen of bus drivers, let alone practically being murdered and or raped by the drug tycoon lesbian queen of bus drivers.  But I survived.  Though I can still feel the bristles of her razor burned arm brushing up against my fair skin and leaving red marks as she dragged me out for no particular reason.  Why would I do this? Not for me, obviously, I did it for you, the viewer, for your informative sake!

IVAN

Okay Trish that’s enough!  Look at yourself!  You’re the only “bus person” I saw in there.  I don’t know what you’re after, if

IVAN (Cont.)


it’s attention, then you’ve got it. . . You’re crazier than the people you created; that’s got to be one for the books.

 

(IVAN hands TRISH the camcorder and exits.  TRISH holds the camera up against her head and continues.)

 

TRISH

Ladies and gentlemen, I have terrible news.  Bus personitis is contagious.  It has infected my camera man and ex-boyfriend Ivan.  Thankfully I, the most beautiful and gorgeous Trish Macintosh remained unaffected by the disease.  Like a gorgeous maiden surviving the black plague, I will live on, I will report again.

 

(BLACKOUT)

(End of play)

 

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 Posted: Tue Dec 15th, 2009 10:15 pm
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Mary Alice
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Mana: 
This is fun! Thanks!

Mary Alice

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 Posted: Wed Dec 16th, 2009 07:02 pm
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Clausey
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Joined: Mon Jun 8th, 2009
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Mana: 
Thank you Mary Alice, you're imput really matters. I'm glad you enjoyed it.

 

To any future readers, I also apologize about the lack of caplocks in some areas. The formatting I was using didn't really follow through so some areas were reverted to the original characters.

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 Posted: Fri Dec 18th, 2009 09:14 am
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muncy
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Joined: Sun Dec 31st, 2006
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Mana: 
Thanks for posting Martin. A good read - ten minutes well spent.

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 Posted: Sun Dec 20th, 2009 09:19 am
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Clausey
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Mana: 
Ah! Muncy, that means a lot to me. I'm just glad this one's gathered positive reaction up to this point :D

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 Posted: Sun Dec 20th, 2009 05:57 pm
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RTurco
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Mana: 
Ha ha ha! I enjoyed this little skit very much. You brightened up my day, Clausy. Thanks.

 

~RTurco

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 Posted: Mon Dec 21st, 2009 01:03 am
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Clausey
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Mana: 
You're welcome Raymond. That's what I aim for.

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