The Playwrights Forum Home 
 

SEARCH STAGEPLAYS.COM
THE WORLD'S LARGEST PLAY DATABASE

  STAGEPLAYS BOOKSHOP NEW CYBERPRESS PLAYS PLAYWRIGHTING BOOKS PUBLISH MY PLAY AFFILIATE PROGRAM THE THEATRE BANNER EXCHANGE  
The Playwrights Forum > The Art & Craft of Writing > Critique my Play > motion of the carousel

* STAGEPLAYS WANTS TO PUBLISH YOUR PLAY *
click here for details

 Moderated by: Paddy, Edd
New Topic Reply Printer Friendly
motion of the carousel  Rate Topic 
AuthorPost
 Posted: Tue Feb 16th, 2010 03:21 pm
  PM Quote Reply
1st Post
Darkja
Member


Joined: Fri Jan 29th, 2010
Location: Monroe, North Carolina USA
Posts: 89
Status: 
Offline
Mana: 

Motion of the Carousel



By Todd L. Ford



copywright 2010



 



Jimmy


I can’t help it Leslie whenever I look at it. It just makes me so sad.

 


Leslie


Sad? Jimy it’s a carousel. In an amusement park. How is that sad.

 


Jimmy


The horses. Their bound to one spot. They can never leave. They can never see anything else. They are trapped in an endless cycle.

 


Leslie


But they’re not real. They’re made of wood. Jimmy what’s going on…

 


Jimmy


I know they’re not real but sometimes I feel like them. I understand them. I feel like I’m caught in an endless track…

 


Leslie


Jimmy…what’s wrong.

 


Jimmy (starting to cry softly)


I can’t…

 


Leslie


Jimmy, you’re scarring me. What going on. Is it your Dad?

 


Jimmy (suddenly angry)


Don’t talk about my dad.

 


Leslie


I’m sorry. Its just usually when your like this. It means your Dad has…

 


Jimmy


Means my Dad has what? Fell of the wagon? Go on a bender? Become a drunk again? I swear you’re just like everybody else you don’t understand.

 


Leslie


I wasn’t going to say that Jimmy. Please help me understand.

 


Jimmy


I screwed up.

 


 



Leslie


What?

 


Jimmy


I screwed up Leslie. My Dad had a big presentation. It was really important. I need to use the computer Sarah was supposed to e-mail me and…

 


Leslie


And what?

 


Jimmy


I closed it without even looking at what it was. I didn’t save it. I ruined all his work and then…

 


Leslie


Then what Jimmy?

 


Jimmy


He didn’t mean to he had been drinking because he was stressed and…

 


Leslie


He hit you. Oh my God he hit you. Jimmy I can’t keep this to myself I have to tell…

 


Jimmy


Leslie please don’t it was my fault I….

 


Leslie


It was an accident. It wasn’t your fault it doesn’t give him the right to hit you.

 


Jimmy


Please Leslie listen to me.

 


(Leslie looks at him cautiously)



 



Jimmy


Dad’s been under a lot of stress. He’s not doing well at work. He’s been arguing with Mom. I got in trouble at school.

 


Leslie


You got in trouble at school for drinking where do you think you learned to…

 


Jimmy


That doesn’t matter Leslie. It’s the stress not him. It’s not his fault…

 


Leslie


Yes it is. He made the choice.


Jimmy


You don’t understand what its like.

 


Leslie


I’m trying.

 


Jimmy


It’s a constant battle. It’s constant yelling, fighting disagreement. If it’s not work it’s Mom. If it’s not Mom it’s me. Then when everything calms down it starts all over again. We’re like those damn horses were stuck. Dad doesn’t mean to do it. He just can’t handle he…

 


Leslie


Chooses to drink. He chooses to hit you. Just because he’s stressed doesn’t make it OK.

 


(Leslie starts to leave)



 



Jimmy


He’s the only Dad I have I don’t want him in trouble. Please stop…

 


Leslie


And what not tell anyone. What am I supposed to wait for. Until you and your Mom leave him? Until he’s drunken himself to death? Until your in the hospital because “he couldn’t handle it.”

 


Jimmy


You don’t have to do anything I’ll fix this.

 


Leslie


You can’t fix this Jimmy.

 


Jimmy


I can. I’ll do better in school. I’ll clean the house. I’ll do anything.

 


Leslie (with increasing volume)


You can’t fix this.

 


Jimmy


I have to.

 


(the sift revealing Jimmy’s mother standing stage left)



 



Stacey


You can’t fix this Jimmy.

 


 



Jimmy


But you..and.Dad…it can’t end this way it’s not supposed to…

 


Stacey


I know but I can’t take it anymore. Your behavior issues. Your Dad’s work. He’s started drinking again…

 


(Jimmy slaps Stacey. She comes up rubbing his face. The next lines overlap and mingle building into a full scale argument)



 



Stacey


How dare you? You just can’t see it can you Jim. Your father is a drunk I only stayed with him because I thought you needed me but….

 


Jimmy


Don’t you dare talk about my father that way he has done everything to protect….

 


Stacey


I see you’ve become exactly like him. The anger the violence suspension from school….

 


Jimmy


this family. The stress you have caused him….

 


Stacey


for drinking. You and your father are nothing but….

 


Jimmy


Nagging him constantly. Pushing him constantly. Telling he’s no good.

 


Stacey


Worthless was pitiful excuses for human beings. You can keep going down this road but I intend to…

 


Jimmy


Why don’t you just…

 


Jimmy and Stacey


Get out.

 


(Stacey turns saying nothing and leaves)



 



Jimmy (whispering)


I love you Mom.

 


(lights change back to realism)



 



Leslie


You can’t fix this.

 


Jimmy


I have to. I caused it. It’s all my fault.

 


Leslie


What’s going on with you Jimmy? Tell me what has happened?

 


Jimmy


I can’t tell you. It’s to painful. It’s too painful with her gone.

 


Leslie


Whose gone Jimmy? Who left? I can’t handle this I’m leaving. I’m getting you help.

 


Jimmy (pleading)


Please Leslie not you too

 


(Jimmy begins to weep. Leslie walks up to him and holds him)



 



Jimmy


It’s all my fault Leslie.

 


Leslie


It’s OK. I’m here.

 


Jimmy


But you can’t fix this nobody can.

 


Leslie


It will be OK.

 


Jimmy


No it won’t. I’m him. I’m exactly like him.

 


Leslie


No you’re better than him.

 


Jimmy


But I’ve caused so much pain.

 


Leslie (louder)


You’re better than him.

 
(the lights shift revealing Jimmy’s father. He’s dressed in the attire of a businessman but he has a two day growth and his clothes are disheveled

Last edited on Thu Feb 18th, 2010 02:02 pm by Darkja

Back To Top PM Quote Reply  

 Posted: Thu Feb 18th, 2010 02:07 am
  PM Quote Reply
2nd Post
RTurco
Member


Joined: Wed Nov 19th, 2008
Location: New Jersey USA
Posts: 256
Status: 
Offline
Mana: 
Wow. I enjoyed this opening to what seems like a promising play. You've really hooked me onto your characters, even with such a short selection as this. The dialogue is engaging and I liked how you started off with the carousel metaphor. The only things that troubled me were the minor grammatical errors which impeded the play's readability a bit. I did not get the following line: "I wasn’t to Jimmy..." Did you leave out a word?

All in all, I truly look forward to the next part, which, from reading the last stage direction, seems that it will involve the father we've heard so much about.

Sincerely,

RTurco

Back To Top PM Quote Reply

 Posted: Thu Feb 18th, 2010 11:33 am
  PM Quote Reply
3rd Post
Darkja
Member


Joined: Fri Jan 29th, 2010
Location: Monroe, North Carolina USA
Posts: 89
Status: 
Offline
Mana: 
Yeah I left out a couple words (that's what hapeens when I write during a study hall :-)) It should have read "I wasn't going to say that Jimmy" in refrence to talking about his dad. I have a tendency to type very quickly defying all gramatical convention and then fix it later after having ten other people read it. My editor's love me I keep them employed.  By the way if you have time I have another play in the Work-in-Progress section that I am really struggling with ending on if you could give it a gander it would be appreciated.

Last edited on Thu Feb 18th, 2010 02:02 pm by Darkja

Back To Top PM Quote Reply  

Current time is 04:47 pm  
The Playwrights Forum > The Art & Craft of Writing > Critique my Play > motion of the carousel Top




UltraBB 1.17 Copyright © 2007-2011 Data 1 Systems
Page processed in 0.1533 seconds (15% database + 85% PHP). 27 queries executed.