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The Playwrights Forum > The Art & Craft of Writing > Poet's Corner : Critique my Poem > A Letter After

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 Posted: Mon Feb 22nd, 2010 01:18 am
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timmy
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Joined: Fri Jun 9th, 2006
Location: Oz, Minnesota USA
Posts: 1079
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Mana: 
my latest poem
is a failure:

I wanted to write to you about mountains;
instead my lines contained headless men;
an unspectacular sunset

I wanted to write
about the clear stream;
a place to catch rainbow trout
with bare hands; a place where

God is like a dot on a map; alas,
no roads lead there anymore

a place where humidity and summer
heat allowed sweat to form like rosary
beads in the shallows of your breasts

I don’t know what you want anymore

I imagine you in your white dress, lying
below the middle window, cigarette
in your left hand, my poem dangling
in your right hand inches from the floor

you have read my poem, lit a candle
and prayed; you may even believe
there is still a chance for us

While all this transpires, you are there
and I am here; both of us looking
through a window for old stars

both of us looking for something
besides failure

** based on a work by Jack Vettriano

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 Posted: Sun Feb 28th, 2010 04:15 am
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Alan
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I like this, Timmy, though the last line said too much. I really like the opening, though, for some reason. I like god is a dot on a map. the rosary beads on the breasts (but that's a weakness of mine personally, perhaps). Yeah, I really like a lot of this, but not the last line. It's overkill, I'm afraid.

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