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The Playwrights Forum > The Art & Craft of Writing > Poet's Corner : Critique my Poem > THE STAR AT THE APPLEGATE CARE CENTER

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 Posted: Tue Mar 23rd, 2010 06:03 pm
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SandyMay
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Joined: Tue Mar 16th, 2010
Location: California USA
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Mana: 
In the game room she pets the dog, slurs
toothless coos to cats, waltzes and twirls
to TV tunes, curtsies to applause and stares
from animated walkers and wheelchairs.

Squeezes close to a daughter.
Clutches cashmere sleeve
with a trembling hand. "For the life of me,
I know you, don't I? What's your name again?"

Memorized, oddly chosen social phrases.
"How long has this facility been in existence?"

"Ten years, Mom."

“How long has this…..?”

Lifelong a yearning to be an actress.
Auditions. Rehearsals. Costumes. Ovations.
Oohs and sighs at famous names.

Center stage:
lunch at a mall, outside the Fashion Bug.
Posing, she points to mannequins,
echoes words from long gone days,
when girdled and coiffed, she shopped
Henri Bendel.

"I like that line. Those narrow pleats.
That jacket length.
That shade of green. Divine."

Now swaddled in Depends, shocking
pink jump suit, bold red coat, orange hair,
she teeters in Reeboks, royal blue.

Clerk at an ice cream stand:
"What would you like today, lady?"
"Ethel Barrymore," she replies,
"or do you have Tennesse Williams
in a sugar cone?"

A glance at bare wrist-
"Rush that order please, waiter,
then hail us a cab.
It's nearly curtain time."

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 Posted: Fri Mar 26th, 2010 10:39 am
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Alan
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Mana: 
Nice last line. Overall, effective.

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 Posted: Sat Mar 27th, 2010 11:50 pm
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tobias
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Joined: Mon Jun 19th, 2006
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Mana: 
Liked it. Maybe play with verb order to bring a new perspective for the reader like:

In the game room she dogs the pets, slurs
toothless coos to cats, waltzes and twirls
to TV tunes

she teeters in Reeboks

Teetering Reeboks

Or drop a verb or two and see how it reads

Now swaddled in Depends

Now in Depends

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The Playwrights Forum > The Art & Craft of Writing > Poet's Corner : Critique my Poem > THE STAR AT THE APPLEGATE CARE CENTER Top




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