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The Playwrights Forum > The Art & Craft of Writing > Critique my Play > Please take a look at my new play

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Please take a look at my new play  Rate Topic 
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 Posted: Mon Jun 14th, 2010 07:09 pm
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JayEl09
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Mana: 
     ALL THE WAY TO MEMPHIS
 
           Jason M. Leen
 
   © 2010 All Rights Reserved
 
ALL THE WAY TO MEMPHIS/ synopsis
 
A laugh filled comedy with a family of five driving to Memphis, so the father can visit Elvis.
 
En route, hours away from Memphis, they see a UFO fall from the sky and crash a short distance from the road. They stop and discover one survivor who quickly decides to come with them to Graceland.
 
The wacky adventure that ensues will not only leave you laughing, but also wondering if every light in the night sky is really a star.
 
CAST
 
James Arnold Sumner (Husband)  “Jimmy”
 
Mary Louise Sumner (Wife)  “Mary”
 
Patricia Louise Sumner (Daughter)  “Patty”
 
Linda Ann Sumner (Daughter)  “Linda”
 
Thomas Arnold Sumner (Son)  “Tommy”
 
Omadin 12   (Alien)  “Adin”
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
     ALL THE WAY TO MEMPHIS
 
ACT 1, TO BE OR NOT TO BE ……..
 
SCENE 1. EXT. OUTSIDE SUMNER FAMILY HOME / LATE AFTERNOON
 
(JIMMY SUMNER, LATE 30’S, IS BUSY LOADING HIS NEW SUV WITH THE ESSENTIALS FOR THE FAMILY TRIP TO MEMPHIS. AS HE WALKS OUT OF THE HOUSE WITH TWO GROCERY BAGS, HIS WIFE, MARY, LATE 30’S APPROACHES HIM. )
 
MARY :
 
You sure it’s a good idea to take the new car? You know we’re gonna’ have to stop for gas every five miles. (she laughs)
 
JIMMY :
 
(Turning towards Mary) Look, using the other car could save us some money, but we’re goin’ to see the King, and I want to go in style.
 
MARY
 
(Leaning over the grocery bags, she gives Jimmy a kiss.) OK, baby, enjoy yourself. It’s your birthday!
 
LINDA :
 
(The youngest daughter, Linda, 9, walks out of the house with her blanket and a toy Panda, looking towards her parents)
 
Don’t you two ever get tired of kissin’?
 
             Page 1 Jason M. Leen, USA, 707 762 1566
 
 
                                                     2.
MARY :
 
(Turning towards Linda with a smile) No, and I hope we never will!
 
JIMMY :
 
Hugging Mary close to him.
 
Good thing too or you could still be in Heaven waitin’ to be born!
 
MARY:
 
Jimmy, stop it! (Looking at Linda)
Don’t worry sweetheart, Daddy’s just teasin’.
 
JIMMY:
 
Looking at Linda’s sad face.
 
I don’t think we need to worry about this cause you were born and you’re here now, so put your things in the car and then go and tell the others to get a move on. We have a long ways to go, and we can’t keep Elvis waitin’.
 
LINDA :
 
Elvis is dead daddy, he’s not waitin’ for us. Didn’t anyone ever tell you?
 
JIMMY :
 
Now, don’t start with me on that. His death was only a rumor that was repeated so many times people began to believe it. You’ll see when we get there.
 
             
                                                     3.
LINDA:
 
(looking at her mother) Is daddy serious? He can’t be serious about this.
 
MARY :
 
I’m afraid so honey.
 
LINDA :
 
(Turning to go inside) Oh my God! My daddy is a wack-o! What am I gonna’ do?
 
JIMMY:
 
(After Linda walks into the house)
 
You’ve gotta’ give me some help on this. These kids are growin’ up believin’ everything they hear at school is the gods’ honest truth and their walkin’ around filled with that nonsense. Maybe we’d better keep ‘em at home and teach ‘em oueselves.
 
MARY:
 
I don’t know, Jimmy, that’s a whole lota work.
 
JIMMY :
 
But we’ve gotta protect them from all the nonsense or else they’ll grow up not knowing what to believe. Linda thinkin’ that Elvis is dead is just the beginning. She’ll believe what she heard at school but she thinks I’m a wacko! We can’t let this happen to our kids!
 
 
 
                                                 4
SCENE 2. INT. SUMNER HOME / KITCHEN
 
Linda walks into the kitchen to find her older sister, Patty, 11 and her little brother, Tommy, 5, fighting over the last piece pf cherry pie. She yells at them.
 
LINDA :
 
Daddy said for you two to get a move on because Elvis is waitin’ for us! (she starts laughing)
 
Patty and Tommy break the piece of pie in half and turn to look at Linda. She stops laughing.
 
LINDA :
 
He’s not serious is he?
 
PATTY :
 
She walks over to Linda and whispers.
 
He’s dead serious! (they both start laughing)
                                         
TOMMY :
 
(Running towards his sisters, he yells)
 
Don’t you laugh at my daddy.
 
PATTY :
 
(Turning to Tommy)
 
He’s our daddy too and we’ll laugh if we want to!
 
 
                                                 5
Tommy starts crying and tries to hit his sisters.
 
MARY :
 
Rushing into the kitchen, Mary yells.
 
Stop this right now! (All three children suddenly look like statues)
 
Your father is outside listenin’ to all of this nonsense and I can tell you, he’s not happy! Now you girls, get the rest of your things and go to the car. I’ll help Tommy.
 
SCENE 3. INT. PATTY & LINDA’S BEDROOM
 
LINDA :
 
How could daddy believe Elvis is still alive? Wasn’t it all over the TV and radio when he died?
 
PATTY :
 
(Talking as she packs her backpack)
 
It’s a long story and I don’t know all of it, but it started like this. Mama found out first and managed to keep daddy away from the radio and TV as she talked him into taking her camping at her favorite place in the Smokeys.
 
LINDA :
 
(Looking like a deer in the headlights, Linda is motionless as she listens.) How long did she keep in the mountains?
 
 
 
                                                 6
 
PATTY :
 
For more than a month! They left cause the bears chased them out of their fishin’ hole. By the time they got home, all the rucus about Elvis had settled down. The rest was all Mama’s doin’. When she explained to everybody how much daddy loved Elvis, they all agreed never to tell him that Elvis had died. Over the years, when he heard something, Mama always told him they were only terrible rumors!
 
LINDA :
 
Then whose great idea was it that we all go to Graceland, where daddy will find out the truth?
 
PATTY :
 
(smiling) Oh, that was all mama too! She decided that it was time daddy knew the truth and that we all needed to be with him when he found out.
 
LINDA :
What if she’s wrong? What if the truth kills him?
                                                
PATTY :
 
Then we better start praying and asking Jesus to bring Elvis back, at least for a little while.
 
LINDA :
 
Can Jesus really do that?
 
 
                                                 7
PATTY :
 
Jesus can do anything if we pray hard enough!
 
LINDA :
 
Then let’s get to prayin’, cause we need a miracle before we get to Memphis!

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 Posted: Tue Jun 15th, 2010 06:13 pm
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in media res
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Mana: 
I love the synopsis!


Couple of things:

On this line:

LINDA :

Elvis is dead daddy, he’s not waitin’ for us. Didn’t anyone ever tell you?


All you need is "he's not waitin' for us" because we all - or at least many of us know that Elvis is dead, or living on an island with John F. Kennedy and Kenneth Lay. I think the line as it now stands, kills the laugh on Daddy's follow up line.

The sequence about how did Daddy not know comes out so fast, it might be better if it drips out from conversation in the car during the ride, rather than come from a direct Question and Answer. But it's your call. Hope it turns out to be a fun wacky ride for you.

best,

in media res

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 Posted: Thu Jun 17th, 2010 05:06 pm
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Alan
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Mana: 
This is more of a screen play than a stage play.  Is that your intention?

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 Posted: Thu Jun 17th, 2010 05:18 pm
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Mana: 
I sensed that, too, Alan.

But with playwriting in its current trend, you never know.

IMR

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