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Money is the Root of All Evil  Rate Topic 
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 Posted: Tue Aug 24th, 2010 04:48 pm
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Darkja
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Joined: Fri Jan 29th, 2010
Location: Monroe, North Carolina USA
Posts: 89
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Mana: 
I am once again writing a piece for "Just Do It" at theatre Charlotte with th theme of "It's a Dog's Life". I decided to write a "Katherine & Harold" piece along this theme since I'm working on the full length piece now. Here it is let me know what you love, hate, or are confused by.

 

In the Dog House


By Todd Ford


© 2010


 


At Rise: Katherine and Harold enter. They are obviously in mid argument.

 

Harold (angry)


No Katherine. Hell no we cannot.

 

Katherine


But Harold they were so cute especially the little white one. (making a pouting face) Please Harold.

 

Harold


Katherine you can barely take care of yourself why would I entrust you to take care of another living thing.

 

Katherine


That’s not true I take very good care of us.

 

Harold


No, Katherine, you don’t.

 

Katherine


Yes, I do. You eat don’t you?

 

Harold


Thanks to the magic of take out.

 

Katherine


That’s just not fair. I cook.

 

Harold


When?

 

Katherine


On our anniversary.

 

Harold


I ended up in the hospital.

 

Katherine


You don’t know that was my fault.

 

Harold


I had food poisoning.

 

 


Katherine


How was I supposed to know the meat was bad?

 

Harold


I don’t know the expiration date on the package.

 

Katherine


It was only a month past.

 

Harold


You could have killed me Katherine.

 

Katherine


Well I wouldn’t have to cook the dog’s food anyway.

 

Harold


But you would have to wash it.

 

Katherine


That I know I could do Harold I was stuff all the…

 

Harold


Like what?

 

Katherine


Laundry.

 

Harold


Dry cleaners.

 

Katherine


The car.

 

Harold


You hired the kid next door.

 

Katherine


I clean the house.

 

Harold


Then why can’t I see the floor?

 

Katherine


OK the bathrooms. I KNOW I clean the bathrooms.

 

 


Harold


You make me clean the bathrooms.

 

Katherine


Well that’s because you piss on the floor. The dog won’t have that problem he’s house broken.

 

Harold


Fine well what about walking the dog?

 

Katherine


What about it?

 

Harold


You have to walk the dog.

 

Katherine


And I will…

 

Harold


Outside.

 

Katherine


I like fresh air.

 

Harold


Not matter the weather.

 

Katherine


Even when it’s raining?

 

Harold


Yes, Katherine, even when it’s raining.

 

Katherine (gulping)


OK. I’ll do it. I’ll do it because we NEED this dog Harold.

 

Harold


Why Katherine? Why do we need this dog?

 

Katherine


For security.

 

Harold


Katherine the dog you looked at was a poodle.

 

Katherine


Poodles can be very ferocious.

 

Harold


It was the size of a rat.

 

Katherine


That doesn’t matter. Imagine this. You’re at the restaurant. I’m home alone. Suddenly a robber kicks in the door. Our trusty dog Sparkles jumps…

 

Harold


Sparkles?

 

Katherine


Yes, Sparkles that’s the dog’s name.

 

Harold


We are going to have an attack dog named Sparkles?

 

Katherine


Yeah so Sparkles leaps into…

 

Harold


What’s the robber going to do laugh himself to death?

 

Katherine


The robber won’t know the dog’s name damn it. So Sparkles leaps into action.

 

Harold


And the robber steps on the pathetic rat dog.

 

Katherine


If you’re not going to take this seriously than this conversation is over.

 

Harold


Me? You’re not taking this seriously Katherine. If you want an attack dog. Get an attack dog. Get a Doberman. Get a Pit Bull. For God’s sake even a Bulldog would be better than a God damned poodle.

 

Katherine


But honey those dog’s could be dangerous.

 

Harold


Isn’t that kinda the point of an attack dog?

 

 

Katherine


Well I don’t want it to hurt anyone.

 

Harold


Then I don’t think you really want an attack dog. Katherine why do you really want this?

 

Katherine


For companionship I’m lonely Harold.

 

Harold


Oh not this again.

 

Katherine


You work at school during the day and then the restaurant at night and…

 

Harold


Yes Katherine. I work hard for you. I work hard so you can have a nice house…

 

Katherine


I just need someone to talk to.

 

Harold


And nice things. (pauses) To talk to?

 

Katherine


Yes, to talk to.

 

Harold


What are you Dr. Doolittle. You do realize that dogs can’t talk don’t you.

 

Katherine


It wouldn’t have to talk just listen.

 

Harold


It’s a DOG Katherine. It can’t understand you.

 

Katherine


So it will be talking like you.

 

Harold


Honey that’s not fair.

 

Katherine


Why Harold? Why is it not fair? I’ve asked you for one simple thing and you haven’t listen to a word I’ve said. I’ve explained WHY I want a dog and you haven’t listened. At least the dog will cuddle with me.

Harold


I cuddle with your Katherine.

 

Katherine


Yeah when want to fuck.

 

Harold


No. I love to snuggle with you.

 

Katherine


No you don’t. Remember last night.

 

Harold


Yeah. I rolled over and held you in my arms.

 

Katherine


And then.

 

Harold


I kissed you softly and whispered in your ear.

 

Katherine


What was that you whispered…oh yeah it was “wanna do it”.

 

Harold


I thought you were in the mood.

 

Katherine


You’re such a romantic.

 

Harold


I was just joking.

 

Katherine


Then why did you proceed to grind against.

 

Harold


Because…oh for crying out loud Katherine this is ridiculous.

 

Katherine


Wanting to cuddle without someone try to screw me is ridiculous.

 

Harold


No saying a dog could take my place in bed is ridiculous.

 

 


Katherine


Ten pay attention to me.

 

Harold


And it is unsanitary.

 

Katherine


Harold are you listening. I’m lonely.

 

Harold


I mean the germs. I sleep in that bed. Naked sometimes.

 

Katherine (angry)


Harold.

 

Harold


And to think I will be rolling around in dog hair and god knows what else.

 

Katherine


Harold would you just shut the fuck up.

 

Harold


Did you say something Katherine?

 

Katherine


You know what Harold. You need a dog.

 

Harold


Now Katherine. I just explained to you why I don’t want a…

 

Katherine


I didn’t say you wanted a dog I said you needed a dog.

 

Harold


What’s that supposed to mean.

 

Katherine


Just what it sounds like Harold. Think about it you could learn so much from him.

 

Harold


Really….what could I learn from a dog?

 

Katherine


To be here.

 

 

Harold


I am here Katherine.

 

Katherine


No, Harold, you’re not. You’ve gotten so busy you don’t even take time to stop and smell the flowers. A dog would never forget to do that.

 

Harold


A dog doesn’t have a job Katherine.

 

Katherine


You have to make time Harold.

 

Harold


Fine Katherine. I’m here. What else can I learn from this dog sage of yours?

 

Katherine


I told you I was lonely Harold. Its time for you to figure out for yourself what the dog would do.

 

(Harold thinks for a second looking confused and then licks Katherine’s face)


 


Katherine


Eeeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwww…..what the hell are you doing Harold?

 

Harold


Embracing my inner dog Katherine.

 

Katherine


That’s not quite the attention I was looking for.

 

Harold


I feel better.

 

Katherine


You would.

 

Harold (sighs)


Fine….(thinks for a moment slides his arms around her and nuzzles her neck)

 

Katherine


That’s better.

 

Harold


So am I out of the dog house yet?

 

Katherine


You’re getting there but I think you need a tutor.

 

Harold (looks at Katherine)


You really want this?

 

(Katherine nods silently)


 


Harold


Then its yours mi amour. Just one thing.

 

Katherine


Yes?

 

Harold


Can we name it something else? I don’t think I can walk a dog named Sparkles.

 


 

 

 

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