"Doris thinks I’m still a person." A painful line. And a loving line. Nice combo.
"The lather warms me to my toes" Oooooooooh. How true.
Only line I have some question about:
Ridding the razor of detrital stubble.
I always read poems aloud.
Though I liked the play of several combinations of the percussive sounds in DeTriTal sTuBBle and each word ending with a lingering "L" sound. But it still seemed unnecessary. And the repetition of the "R" sound in Ridding the Razor also is works.
Only word I question is "detrital." Jumped at me as unnecessary. Or there may be a better word. Maybe because it is three syllables instead of two throwing off the rhythm of the line. Is there a 2 syllable word available?
I am quibbling, I know, and I apologize. But it kind of poked me a bit.
You certainly zeroed in on my trouble spot, in media res. I had wanted to say effluvial, then looked it up to make sure it was what I wanted to say--and it wasn't! In fact, I've had the wrong definition in my head for years! So then I was trying to think up a word that meant what I wanted to say, which is kind of the flotsam and jetsam of physiological processes, and detritus was the best I could come up with, but it's not right. I'll think about using no adjective at all, but I sure would love to think of the word I thought effluvial meant. Anyway, you have a good eye, and ear!
Stubborn is what stubble is. Just damned stubborn. There is always a spot or two, especially as one gets older, that just is so damn stubborn. Just when you think you are done shaving and you rub your hand over your face, especially if you are in a rush, you go, "Damnit!" (or goddamnit.) "Not that spot(s) again." Just sheer frustration. Not necessarily anger.
It is not the right word for your poem. But if there were a combination of stubborn and what you are looking for....
Also, I think it works alone without an adjective. But keep searching. It must be out there.
Maybe "damned" stubble. "Goddamned" would give you two syllables. But that may not be your character's words. I don't know. (Never heed suggestions from a tired man!)
"stubborn" is not the word you want. The hairs are not releasing from the razor...much as life does not release. "Stubborn" is not the word.
Listen, I don't want to beat this to death, but I watched my Dad for the better part of three days...he DID NOT WANT to die. But he didn't know it. He would not release his spirit, his soul. He became mean, and I watched him rip the IV out of his wrist; the blood was spraying around, and I have never been able to capture that moment...I might be wrong, but I think this is the same moment in your poem and you have attached it to the hairs of the razor. My dad's moment was at the other end of the spectrum.
Look up a short story called, "Shaving"...it tells the story of a son who is responsible for shaving his father b/c the old man can't anymore, due to cancer. Similar moment to this poem.
Life "clings"...you want a word in that vein...those other words you are throwing around are too "clinical"...
IMR: You are uncanny...sometimes ;)
Last edited on Wed Dec 15th, 2010 06:28 pm by timmy