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The Playwrights Forum > The Art & Craft of Writing > Poet's Corner : Critique my Poem > Ice Cold Morning

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Ice Cold Morning  Rate Topic 
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 Posted: Wed Nov 2nd, 2011 04:11 am
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daniel p.
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Mana: 
An icicle hangs off the front porch;
glimmering thing of beauty,
dripping wet, drop by drop
as if to burst into a stream
against the morning sun
or fall and shatter
on the ice cold ground-
both thoughts draw me to it.
I’m tempted to press these lips against
and have myself a drink,
but hands come first,
to avoid a fatal kiss.

I feel the surface melt with touch,
cool water runs
under these soaked sleeves,
down an elevated arm,
My eyes open wide
and I gasp for winter
as the water hits my chest.
I’m excited for what’s next.

Last edited on Wed Nov 2nd, 2011 04:14 am by daniel p.

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 Posted: Thu Nov 3rd, 2011 05:57 pm
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in media res
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Mana: 
daniel p.

Thank you for this. Loved it.

SOME THOUGHTS FOR YOU:

"ice-cold" should have a hyphen.

Also, I don't think you need the line...

"both thoughts draw me to it."

...as we know you were drawn to it because...well you are writing about it!

You can end the previous sentence of the poem with a period

Not sure if you need "I feel the surface" as we know you are touching it already with your hands.

Maybe

The surface melts
cool water runs
etc.

Lovely. I have done this exact thing...water running down arm and all, as I'm sure so many people have. Your poem about such a simple,common thing is quite thrilling.

Thanks again. I am bracing for winter already!

best,

IMR

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 Posted: Fri Nov 4th, 2011 11:22 pm
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timmy
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Mana: 
There's a scene in "Lilies of the Field" when Sidney Poitier washes himself in ice cold water. This poem reminded me of this scene, especially the 2nd stanza.

Like it.

timmy

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 Posted: Tue Nov 8th, 2011 08:03 am
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daniel p.
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Mana: 
timmy, searched the scene and ended up watching the whole sweet movie. thanks for mentioning it.
IMR- thanks for the correction and the suggestion. I'm going to take advantage of them. glad you enjoyed it.

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