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The Playwrights Forum > The Art & Craft of Writing > Critique my Play > "The Vacuous Case of Mister Um"

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"The Vacuous Case of Mister Um"  Rate Topic 
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 Posted: Sun Dec 11th, 2011 05:17 pm
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RTurco
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Last edited on Tue Jul 26th, 2016 05:02 am by RTurco

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 Posted: Sun Dec 11th, 2011 10:49 pm
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Paddy
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Mana: 
Read the first bit of dialogue, and thought....oh..... I like to be in the dark.

Read to the end. Engaging, interesting...want to read more...but I'd take out the first dialogue from the Accused...too much like exposition. Just too much information off the mark.

paddy

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 Posted: Sun Dec 11th, 2011 11:58 pm
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RTurco
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Mana: 
Hey Paddy!

I'd agree with that. And I'm glad you're hooked. Would I be sending it to skye_dragon@sympatico.ca?

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 Posted: Mon Dec 12th, 2011 12:00 am
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Paddy
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Yep. In the middle of seventy-two things...so can't guarantee it'll be quick.

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 Posted: Mon Dec 12th, 2011 12:33 am
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RTurco
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Mana: 
That's fine. Take your time, there's no rush.

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 Posted: Tue Dec 13th, 2011 06:33 am
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Clausey
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Mana: 
Hey Raymond,

Read your bit. It was really interesting from what I read. I'm assuming you want to take a more absurdist point of view. If thats the case, I'd say commit fully to it. What I mostly mean by this is that some lines like the opening dialogue seems to lack the personality that your play reflects.

The vernacular you chose was interesting but I believe some rhythm can be called into action. One of the beauties of absurdism is that the language can be emotionally engaging and socially liberating through an abnormal structure. I'm skeptical about giving you this comment because I have yet to read the rest of your play and I may misguide you if my wording is misinterpreted. To get a better taste of Rhythm I'd recommend reading Tennessee William's one act Suddenly Last Summer. I can send you a copy in PDF format if you'd like.

On that same note one of the dangers I've seen of people forcing rhythm is that it becomes what I coined in my Playwrighting course as "Hipsterly Pretentious"

One thing that my director brain did while reading this was envisioning the doctor and the lawyer as the same person and having him physically transform on stage. For some reason I also pictured many mannequins whose clothing can be taken off. But I digress, your play, like always has a lot of potential.

I'd type more but my computer is broken and I must write all of this out on my iPad.

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 Posted: Tue Dec 13th, 2011 10:19 pm
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RTurco
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Mana: 
Hey Martin.

Thanks for the speedy reply. I'm gonna take a fresh look at the piece considering that whole rythym bit, but at the same time, I don't want to force it on, as you said.

As for combining Doctor and the Lawyer, they later appear on stage together, so double-casting them would be interesting, though possibly unfeasible. And the Lawyer actually winds up killing the Doctor, so that would have to be revised. But it's a consideration nonetheless.

And you can go ahead and send me the pdf. I'm always looking to read famous works to get some inspiration.

Glad you enjoyed it! Let me know when you've penned anything that needs a critical eye.

~ Raymond

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 Posted: Tue Dec 20th, 2011 04:03 am
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alan0198
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Mana: 
Got me involved. Want to see more. Agree with Paddy -- cut to the chase, as it were. Will watch for next installment

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 Posted: Wed Dec 21st, 2011 10:36 pm
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RTurco
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Hey Alan!

Glad to see you're interested. If you'd like to read more, send me your email and I'll send you a copy of the entire script.

Sincerely,
RTurco

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 Posted: Tue Jun 5th, 2012 12:17 am
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QuixotesGhost
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Mana: 
I'd think it'd be an interesting and funny twist if the lawyer whom keeps going on about "a win" turns out to be the prosecutor (when of course we as the audience assume that he's the lawyer for the defense).

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