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The Playwrights Forum > The Art & Craft of Writing > Poet's Corner : Critique my Poem > Written in Winter

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 Posted: Wed Jan 4th, 2012 02:27 am
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timmy
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Joined: Fri Jun 9th, 2006
Location: Oz, Minnesota USA
Posts: 1079
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Mana: 
One winter the city
you slept in was sex,
caught heat in cold
weather you slept
in a bed next
to a radiator
by a window
on the east side

it was your slice
of space: damp
sheets and crepe
paper flowers,
orange and yellow

she let her shoulders
down, left skin where
you could touch it

Later, she thanked you
for sharing, told you
there’d been a change
in her love story

you left just before
spring; before
the American Beauties
broke ground again

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 Posted: Thu Jan 5th, 2012 11:14 pm
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in media res
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Joined: Sun Jul 2nd, 2006
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Posts: 1926
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Mana: 
Later, she thanked you
for sharing, told you
there’d been a change
in her love story

and

you left just before
spring; before
the American Beauties
broke ground again

OW! Been there.

But, timmy, the big thing is

you used a comma.

Several actually.

And a colon.

IN THE SAME POEM!

best,

IMR

Last edited on Thu Jan 5th, 2012 11:15 pm by in media res

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