The Playwrights Forum Home 
 

SEARCH STAGEPLAYS.COM
THE WORLD'S LARGEST PLAY DATABASE

  STAGEPLAYS BOOKSHOP NEW CYBERPRESS PLAYS PLAYWRIGHTING BOOKS PUBLISH MY PLAY AFFILIATE PROGRAM THE THEATRE BANNER EXCHANGE  
The Playwrights Forum > The Art & Craft of Writing > Poet's Corner : Critique my Poem > The perils of being a river tour guide on a bank holiday monday at 3pm

* STAGEPLAYS WANTS TO PUBLISH YOUR PLAY *
click here for details

 Moderated by: Paddy, Edd  
AuthorPost
lostsocks
Member


Joined: Sun Jun 11th, 2006
Location: Cambridge, United Kingdom
Posts: 226
Status: 
Offline
Mana: 
The perils of being a river tour guide on a bank holiday monday at 3pm

I do not want
to give this tour.

Not this tour to these
hot, fat angry customers
sweating and burnt like deli counter ducks.

Noxious blobs who know their rights and have paid good money.
Who have freighted their cacophonous spawn in steaming trains;

Where they tortured a thousand commuters for a hundred miles.
Dragged all this way so that someone

(God, please, anyone)

Will shut their evil mouths
With culture, or humour, or slap-stick self harm.
They've paid good money
and they've found a voucher ten years out of date,
but they know their rights.

I wonder

An offer waits (unspoken) because it isn't quite irony

I wonder

If for just ten more pounds
they'd let me strangle the little bastards.
I'd let them use the discount voucher

(Which is out of date I'm sorry, I don't make the laws of time, this isn't a question of rights, for they know their rights, this is a question of physics!)

They'd save themselves the pain
of this tour.
That neither they, nor I, nor their brood of monsters
Wants to take.
On this aberration, the mandatory day of leisure.

Last edited on Thu Mar 15th, 2012 03:12 pm by lostsocks

timmy
Member
 

Joined: Fri Jun 9th, 2006
Location: Oz, Minnesota USA
Posts: 1079
Status: 
Offline
Mana: 
There's been a spate of employee airplane rage here in the USA the last months. This poem ranks right up there w/what I've been reading.

It appears you're gearing toward the humorous...and that's fine, b/c it is. You approach the sinister with the "offer" but then let it drop. Wouldn't mind you taking it a bit closer to the "edge"...

I do like where you take me though..."deli counter ducks" is one fine image.

timmy

lostsocks
Member


Joined: Sun Jun 11th, 2006
Location: Cambridge, United Kingdom
Posts: 226
Status: 
Offline
Mana: 
Hehe, I think I might look up the employee airplane rage I hadn't heard about that.

Ta for the feedback... I love my job really, I'm (probably) not going to strangle anyone... but your keep your eyes on the papers!

in media res
Moderator
 

Joined: Sun Jul 2nd, 2006
Location:  
Posts: 1926
Status: 
Offline
Mana: 
I had a lot of fun with this. This is much different from the poems you have posted in the past.

Seems like there is a lot of depth of character in the speaker rather than a humorous idea or concept, both of which I have loved about your poems. Is this the Wizard combining with Sorcerer?!

Much freer hand visually on the page as well.

Like timmy, you had me at deli ducks. Glides right in to "Noxious blobs" which is a great carry over from the ducks.

Glad you liked my poem, THE RED HAT.

Best,

IMR

Last edited on Tue Mar 20th, 2012 08:43 pm by in media res



UltraBB 1.17 Copyright © 2007-2011 Data 1 Systems
Page processed in 0.1449 seconds (19% database + 81% PHP). 26 queries executed.