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The Search  Rating:  Rating
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 Posted: Sun Dec 9th, 2012 04:30 am
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JustGoWithIt
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Mana: 
A lot of great imagery in this poem (kissing was trilling, the stillness of my heart, etc.) I echo a lot of people here by saying that the second version is more emotional and much improved.

The only thing I can say is that the idea of "what I always wanted was inside me all along" strikes me as sort of cliché. You may want to craft the last two lines differently. I'm sure you can...a single idea can take many forms.

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 Posted: Thu Dec 6th, 2012 02:36 pm
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cheriedurbin
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Mana: 
I loved this poem. It stirred so many feelings inside me. Thank you for sharing. :)

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 Posted: Wed Nov 7th, 2012 06:19 am
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zhongliang Fu
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Mana: 
jyotisha wrote: New and I think improved version ....


The search began when I was young,
Looking for the one.
Who would complete me.

Or so I thought.
Kissing was thrilling, loving was hard,
I cried and fought as I ran.
And roamed the earth -
To find a man.

At home I listened to the stillness
Of my heart.
And found that what I sought,
Had been
With me all along.

Now I know we were never apart.
I like this one much better than the former one!! Good Try

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 Posted: Thu Sep 13th, 2012 07:37 pm
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jyotisha
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Mana: 
New and I think improved version ....


The search began when I was young,
Looking for the one.
Who would complete me.

Or so I thought.
Kissing was thrilling, loving was hard,
I cried and fought as I ran.
And roamed the earth -
To find a man.

At home I listened to the stillness
Of my heart.
And found that what I sought,
Had been
With me all along.

Now I know we were never apart.

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 Posted: Thu Sep 13th, 2012 07:11 pm
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jyotisha
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Mana: 
Thank you in media
I appreciate your words
I agree with cutting out unnecessary words and formatting it differently.
I assume you mean punctuation and layout? As this is all I can think of.
I will re-write it and post it here soon.
Thank you.

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 Posted: Thu Sep 13th, 2012 06:58 pm
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in media res
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Mana: 
The first kiss was thrilling

Developed into many lovers as the search grew

And travelled half the earth
one day
He appeared
impossible not to love
I had found what was
Inside me all along


Nice thought. Most people go through this. You have expressed some commonality with the rest of all human beings on earth: The Search!

I cut out any - what I believe to be - non-essentials or redundancies. For instance: He appeared before me. Why do you need "before me?"

I think these are the essential ideas/visuals in your poem.

Please make no mistake as I am in a hurry: This is not what I think your final poem should look like either in the format or final content, mind you, but it might give you a place to start off on a re-write.


Best,

IMR

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 Posted: Thu Sep 13th, 2012 06:46 pm
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jyotisha
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Mana: 
You can respond here and let me know what you think of this peom...

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 Posted: Mon Sep 10th, 2012 01:04 pm
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jyotisha
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Mana: 
The first kiss was thrilling
Something new
Developed into many lovers as the search grew
I searched my town
And travelled half the earth
Until one day
He appeared before me
Ideal and impossible not to love
Made possible because I had found what was
Inside me all along

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