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The Playwrights Forum > The Art & Craft of Writing > Critique my Play > Lost and Found

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 Posted: Wed Feb 6th, 2013 12:12 am
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RTurco
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Mana: 
No problem!

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 Posted: Tue Feb 5th, 2013 10:59 am
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grinderwriting
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Mana: 
Hi RTurco,

Thanks for the feedback!

Yes, I agree, the Taylor Swift reference is a bit out-of-date... I'm not sure who the latest "it" girl is right now...

And don't worry about your value as a critic - any feedback from another writer is valuable to me. This is all helpful, practical advice. I will definitely take it into account when I sit down to do a rewrite.

Thanks again,

Eric

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 Posted: Tue Feb 5th, 2013 01:49 am
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RTurco
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Mana: 
Hello grinderwriting,

Well, this piece has interesting promise to it, though the premise seems to be one that is very overused.

Personally, I think the exposition in the beginning came out a little too contrived:

"SHE: I… I don’t know. I remember being on the cruise ship… there was a storm!
HE: I remember! I was on the ship too! Yeah, it was a hurricane. It blew right up. They told us to abandon ship.
SHE: But there wasn’t enough time. The boat was sinking too fast. I remember someone yelling for us to jump.
HE: Yeah, I remember jumping. I was really high up. I can’t remember anything after that."

Would you consider using more descriptive language to fit the emotion evidently charged in this scene?

"SHE: God – is sex all you guys think about?
HE: No, most guys don’t think about sex, they just have sex."

I thought the above was pretty slick. (Though would you consider not using "sex" twice? It's a minor thing, but maybe trimming up the dialogue in such a way is more what you'd be looking for.)

"SHE: Because you don’t deserve it!"

This line, given the previous dialogue, seems cruel and out of the blue. Seconds ago she was sharing in emotional revelation, now she is condemning him? Just a thought.

The Taylor Swift reference about her being underage might soon be dated, but that's probably just nitpicking.

The ending gave me mixed feelings, but I reread it, and it sort of grew on me.

All in all, you have an interesting piece here. The dialogue might needed a little trimming in spots, but I'm sure you can work with it.

Hope I helped some. I don't think I'm much use at critiquing.


All the best,

RTurco

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 Posted: Wed Jan 30th, 2013 08:41 pm
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grinderwriting
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I know you're not supposed to post your play until you've had a chance to respond to some of the work of others - I have critiqued a few people's work so far, and I hope that the community will take me at my word when I say that I intend (and look forward to) critiquing even more.

But a big part of this leap of faith for me is putting my work out there, so I hope I'll be forgiven if anyone thinks I'm jumping the gun a bit.

This play is a few years old - I can't remember exactly when or why I wrote it.

Please be advised that it contains coarse language and mature content, if you are easily offended by such things.

Attachment: Lost and Found.txt (Downloaded 6 times)

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