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The Playwrights Forum > The Art & Craft of Writing > Poet's Corner : Critique my Poem > Bed Frame

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 Posted: Thu Jul 25th, 2013 09:58 pm
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acappuccio00
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Joined: Mon Jun 10th, 2013
Location: Los Angeles, California USA
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Mana: 
There is a reason I can't hold my feet inside the bedframe.
Somehow I'll grip my toe over the carved wood, waves,
As they are to seem like, and push as my head pinches the
Powerless pillow against the royal end of the bed,
Spreading up against the wall like my crown.

The frame will snap from me like a price tag, so I'm
Never used as garment or nourishment, but freed
From this humanity, cascading onto earth like majesty,
Rising up strongly from below my feet in a conjuring,
Like an energy is rooted beyond my skin to become.

I want to be exercised slow like the swell of a scend. An
Uncanny crescendo under concrete and vivified in epilepsy.
Ebullient like the lumin custom bulbs that harbor pent
Dreams to vehement. The red tip of a frenetic thermometer
Before it pops to souse the lackluster plaster behind it.

I want to be injected with a whirlwind of heat to thaw
My muscle from its frost. Complete myself in a craze,
Not to frighten people and wash them out, but to
Frighten god and wash god out by holstering a firearm
To keep lifted to my temple prescient for any plainness.

Somehow, I want to stretch my wings, spread a fall
Of powder snow as it shades into a bluest ash behind me.
I can feel them there, pressed up against the small space,
Careful not to eviscerate the hanging pictures, and the
Ignorant men within that are afraid for what I can do.

Or maybe I'm afraid, and I want to make enemies,
Because they will darn this power like sad sedatives
For the attention deficit. They will over shadow me in wings,
Snapped by their fathers, and like holes in my old blanket,
I'll see the sun shining behind their smiles and I'll know

I've understood more than I thought I could.

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 Posted: Mon Aug 5th, 2013 04:08 pm
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Allan_West
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Joined: Mon May 28th, 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 35
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Mana: 
I love the imagery here, well done. I do think it could use a bit of polishing, but that is just my personal opinion. With poetry, of course, it's totally up to you what you want to portray and I can't be sure how far you've gone in your editing of this piece. I would watch your word usage as some of it just didn't seem to click for me. Other than that, not sure how you are breaking your lines, I guess just freely, maybe think about that. Overall, very nice. Liked: " ...like sad sedatives"

As a last remark, perhaps look into extending some of your metaphors and parts of the imagery, to really cement each part for the reader. You fly through them so fast it can leave the reader both catching up and wishing for more definition.

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