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The Playwrights Forum > The Art & Craft of Writing > Poet's Corner : Critique my Poem > the other night

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the other night  Rate Topic 
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 Posted: Sun Oct 1st, 2006 03:36 am
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timmy
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Joined: Fri Jun 9th, 2006
Location: Oz, Minnesota USA
Posts: 1078
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Mana: 
you were talking
from across the room
i was listening,

i swear, but observed
instead your bare wrist
extended, holding
that lovely right hand

at that exact moment
you became the oil
painting i’ve always wished
to sit before in a quiet place,
pondering its purpose

you could have been speaking
about tomorrow’s dinner or
the unopened rye bread
on our white kitchen linen
instead, i saw only
the symmetry

sometimes words
are not necessary

only my time lacks
understanding as to
what it all means

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 Posted: Sun Oct 1st, 2006 04:25 am
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in media res
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Mana: 
timmy,

Love it. And I admire your poetry.

Seldom do I do this, but I speak with heart-felt certainty (which means absoutely nothing in the grand scheme!) I would suggest end it after...

"I saw only the symmetry."

Everything after that is superfluous.

We get it perfectly by then.

We understand the situation and the problem.

Perfect.

You even say yourself:

"sometimes words
are not necessary."

Heed your own line!

They are not necessary!

Keep the good stuff coming. Thanks for posting.

Do you get the daily Writer's Almanac from Minnesota's NPR? I have been geting it daily for about two years now and turned a lot of people on to it. Great way to start the day...with a poem. Delivered daily to your e-mail box. Plus informative tidbits of literary history on this day.

Here is the address to sign up for you and others who may be interested:

http://mail.publicradio.org/content/506927/forms/apm_signup.htm


in media res

Last edited on Sun Oct 1st, 2006 04:29 pm by in media res

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 Posted: Mon Oct 2nd, 2006 12:52 am
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timmy
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Joined: Fri Jun 9th, 2006
Location: Oz, Minnesota USA
Posts: 1078
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Mana: 
in media res:

....your comments are both read by me and appreciated by me. Thank you.

I'm trying and making small headway w/both my poetry and theatre. it seems like a l-o-n-g road sometimes (literally)....I drove all the way to Duluth last Thursday (4 hour drive for me) to read poetry b/c a litho artist liked...really liked....one of my poems and matched my poem up w/one of his prints. People think I'm quite daft for doing such things but it really made my day. Met good people there and I'm glad I went.

FYI: MPR is a favorite of mine and has been for quite awhile....Garrison Keilor often reads poetry as well.

timmy

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