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Kitty  Rate Topic 
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 Posted: Mon Mar 31st, 2014 11:00 pm
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richardporter
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Mana: 
She’s dead.

How so?

In the worst sort of way.

Was she …

No, natural causes.

And will you respect her last wishes?

We have, her vagina was transplanted to a woman in Ohio.

I have it on good authority that it was still in good working order.

It was, let’s just say it was rarely half empty.

I once did accidently spy upon it.

And what was your impression?

I mistook it for a large house cat.

Static electricity may have played a role in that deception given her love for carpets.

When is the memorial service?

Tuesday.

Will Dick be there?

Yes, and the Johnsons too.

How is Dick?

Dick is Dick.

So many memories.

Are there any take aways from this tragic loss?

A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.

So true.

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 Posted: Mon Mar 31st, 2014 11:12 pm
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Edd
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Oh, God, Richard! It's awful, but I couldn't stop laughing. I loved it!

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 Posted: Mon Mar 31st, 2014 11:19 pm
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Paddy
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Funny....is such a subtle way - really.

Laughed too.

Paddy

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 Posted: Tue Apr 1st, 2014 05:35 am
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in media res
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At first I did not know what I was reading…


Then I got to:

"It was, let’s just say it was rarely half empty."

I spit-sprayed on the computer screen and I almost choked on the cookie I was swallowing!

This wins my, "The most unusual posting I've ever seen on the site" award.


best,

IMR


And, yes edd, it is awful. In a fun and dirty Limerick sort of way.

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 Posted: Thu Apr 17th, 2014 09:44 pm
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richardporter
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Here’s what I do know: one plus one equals three. I learned that lesson a long time ago. I can do the math. I’m the product of the 1950’s you see. A very very long time ago. I got my nick name in grade school. I was sitting next to a boy named Sam Hill and he gave it to me. I will leave it with your imagination as to how he came up with the name Kitty, but he did. Later still he became Sam the Lion, but that’s for another day. Texas. The Plains, the Valley, West Texas, Matamoros, Dallas, Thalia. A one horse town is where I came from.

Just a girl with the funny last name: Horowitz. Jeeps Blues and the Bird. No air conditioning. Drunk. I’m laughing. Too loud of course. Now someone’s telling me I’m being obnoxious. That’s okay. I need to be checked. Checking is good.

I was afraid of horses growing up. It’s funny but a new beau of mine wants to take me horse back riding. I tell him when you can find me a horse short enough where my feet should touch the ground and has no teeth then we’ll go riding. Men, Texan men anyway, have always told me I was good in the saddle. And I remind them I’ve been riding for a long time.

And speaking of horses. Jesus Christ, where are my manners? Did I tell you? Well? I’m dead. How so you ask? In the worst possible way Darling.

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 Posted: Thu Apr 17th, 2014 11:58 pm
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Edd
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Hey Kiddo. Don't be afraid--horses grow up in spite of themselves.

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 Posted: Tue Jun 10th, 2014 01:44 am
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richardporter
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The Wind To Come

Reason looked on in despair as logic made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Hope tasted the bitter pill of desperation and vomited on the floor. Love got behind the wheel of a roadster and drove over a cliff. Desire popped a viagra and canoodled a chicken. Bravery stood up and yelled fire and ran out the back door. Envy turned states evidence and keyed a Mercedes.

Leave all hope behind - loneliness spent the night alone.

Kitty waved her hands gently in the air and flashed her come hither smile. Johnny Mathis sang Misty as 1000 violins began to play. A wine bottle laughed as lovers bore down gently upon the bed. Death felt the cold hand of mortality as consciousness walked out of the room. The last became first and the first became last.

And a fat cow jumped over the moon.


richardporter

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 Posted: Tue Jun 10th, 2014 07:16 am
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richard,

This is brilliant.

Timely and yet totally unrelated:" Johnny Mathis sang Misty as 1000 violins began to play.


Last night, couldn't slept. Turned on the radio in the middle of the night. Stumbled into NPR and Michael Feinstein interviewing Johnny Mathis about his career. Listened to most of it, but it was in the middle of the night…sleep won out.

Anyway, a great interview whether one likes Mathis or not.

Here is the link: http://www.npr.org/2013/09/27/226816738/johnny-mathis-on-song-travels

best,

IMR

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 Posted: Mon Jul 21st, 2014 09:12 pm
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richardporter
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The Duke and Halle Berry


Sweetheart, sugarpie, honey

What now

Now is the winter of our discontent

Now you realizing this

Made glorious summer by this son of York

Who is York

All the clouds that lowered upon our house

What house – we live in a walk-up

In the deep bosom of the ocean buried

Someone needs to bury your ass

Now are our brows bound with victorious wreaths

Say what

Our bruised arms hung up for monuments

You won’t even hang my pictures fool

Our stern alarums changed to merry meetings

Alarum, better not bring any home here

Our dreadful marches to delightful measures

March, I can’t get you to move away from the TV

Grim-visaged war has smoothed his wrinkled front

Don’t look so smooth to me

But I, that am not shaped for spor-tive tricks

Sports was never your thang honey – played it like a gurl

Nor made to court an amorous looking-glass

That’s all you ever look at

I, that am rudely stamped, and want love's majesty To

Stamped on your head, that’s what somebody did

Strut before a wanton ambling nymph

I hope it aint ya niece you be talking about - 16 will get you 20

I, that am curtailed of this fair proportion

You is a fairy you freak

Cheated of feature by dissembling Nature

Cheated, I’m the one been cheated here

Deformed, un-finished, sent before my time into this
breathing world

They shouldn’t ah had let you in

Scarce half made up

No make-up can help you

And that so lamely and unfashionable

And lame you is

That dogs bark at me

Better not be any dogs up in here

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