The Playwrights Forum Home 
 

SEARCH STAGEPLAYS.COM
THE WORLD'S LARGEST PLAY DATABASE

  STAGEPLAYS BOOKSHOP NEW CYBERPRESS PLAYS PLAYWRIGHTING BOOKS PUBLISH MY PLAY AFFILIATE PROGRAM THE THEATRE BANNER EXCHANGE  
The Playwrights Forum > The Art & Craft of Writing > Poet's Corner : Critique my Poem > Out the window

* STAGEPLAYS WANTS TO PUBLISH YOUR PLAY *
click here for details

 Moderated by: Paddy, Edd
New Topic Reply Printer Friendly
Out the window  Rate Topic 
AuthorPost
 Posted: Tue Dec 16th, 2014 04:35 am
  PM Quote Reply
1st Post
RTurco
Member


Joined: Wed Nov 19th, 2008
Location: New Jersey USA
Posts: 260
Status: 
Offline
Mana: 
There’s nothing left to do but
Watch
Out the window the rain
In the rain
The passing-by of a life gone sour.
 
I am not the man I used to be
My faculties fail me every day
It is my great and interminable
Reproach.
 
So I die
Just a little more
Every day
As the rain washes away the muck from the streets--
Slowly and with great pains.

Back To Top PM Quote Reply  

 Posted: Thu Dec 18th, 2014 09:37 pm
  PM Quote Reply
2nd Post
in media res
Moderator
 

Joined: Sun Jul 2nd, 2006
Location:  
Posts: 1933
Status: 
Offline
Mana: 
Turco,

I find this elegantly depressing…and so true. (That's a compliment, buy the way!)

This is a topic so often avoided: Suffering.

I have witnessed people - young or old - vanish away like a slow Magic Act, either by their own willingness or from an objective malady.

And then there are others who have stayed vital, despite physical maladies/mental disease and/or tragic disappointments until the moment of their deaths.

The unspoken in the poem is individual FATE. And alternatives and/or chances or perceptions of how one views his/her own Life.

It seems to me FATE is often ignored in writing today.

And interestingly to me, a great poem for the approaching New Year.

Thanks.

Best,

IMR

Back To Top PM Quote Reply

 Posted: Fri Dec 19th, 2014 07:15 am
  PM Quote Reply
3rd Post
timmy
Member
 

Joined: Fri Jun 9th, 2006
Location: Oz, Minnesota USA
Posts: 1082
Status: 
Offline
Mana: 
Consistently depressing. And this is a good thing. I like it. It's real w/a real message. I found it oddly uplifting at the end. A realist knows he's going to die someday…might as well have a clean street to walk to it. Something like that. Besides, nature is doing most of the work anyway. I like the "passing-by" image. Works well with a passing rain, as does "interminable"…nature is like that, isn't it? Almost as fickle as the life of which you speak.

Might want to lead with stanza two. Reason: use of "used to be"…followed by "nothing left to do." Chronologically (logically, even) it makes more sense. Also brings the reader from the abstract to the concrete (setting becomes clearer with the window and the rain as opposed to the philosophical message of stanza two). Not unlike a stage production, poems should also fade from wide to narrow.

Not sure of the multiple rain images. Three in such a short piece is not unlike a hammer to drive in a staple.

Also, I don't have a problem with capitalizing every line (mind you, not every sentence), but when you do write in complete thoughts, they become somewhat of a burden to the reader b/c they are working against conventional punctuation. Not that making the reader work a bit is a bad thing. It's your decision, for sure. These are just thoughts.

Nice poem. Thanks for posting.

timmy

Last edited on Fri Dec 19th, 2014 07:16 am by timmy

Back To Top PM Quote Reply  

 Posted: Fri Dec 19th, 2014 08:32 am
  PM Quote Reply
4th Post
RTurco
Member


Joined: Wed Nov 19th, 2008
Location: New Jersey USA
Posts: 260
Status: 
Offline
Mana: 
Thanks timmy!

Glad you liked the piece. I'll take your suggestions into consideration. I definitely think stanza 2 should be stanza 1 though. Good idea on that one.

Best,

RTurco

Back To Top PM Quote Reply

Current time is 07:46 pm  
The Playwrights Forum > The Art & Craft of Writing > Poet's Corner : Critique my Poem > Out the window Top




UltraBB 1.17 Copyright © 2007-2011 Data 1 Systems
Page processed in 0.1485 seconds (19% database + 81% PHP). 27 queries executed.