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The Playwrights Forum > The Art & Craft of Writing > Critique my Play > I beg you for an honest and brutal critique, please.

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I beg you for an honest and brutal critique, please.  Rating:  Rating
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 Posted: Sun Aug 9th, 2015 10:19 pm
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Mr Dee O
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Joined: Tue Aug 4th, 2015
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Mana: 
INTRODUCTORY TEXT:

Hi, I know you guys are fussy regarding the concept of giving critique when a user has not contributed, 'give for give' and all that - but I'm not really sure how to jump at your community, and I feel like throwing something new out there to read for you is the best contribution I can offer at the moment.

LINK - https://docs.google.com/document/d/1PhQVbZOb_4JZoQVF8cMvx2EagW-FcSaU___dGJDJuEk/edit?pli=1 (alternatively, see attached for same file)

BLABBER:

The play I want to show you covers very mature themes, there are only 9 pages included and the finished (yes it is as finished as I believe I can make it) total of 36 pages.

I honestly have no idea how you or anyone else is going to receive it, and this is the 'tamest' and most gentle part of the whole play.

QUICK YES OR NO STATEMENT QUESTIONNAIRE:
[copy and paste preferred, or 1) yes, 2) no answers..]

1) It bored me so I closed it. -
2) I'm not sure what's going on. -
3) The dialogue was awful. -
4) Too many stage directions. -
5) The characters are dull and not interesting. -
6) The dialogue jumps. -
7) None of the above, and I still don't like it. -

1)
2)
3)
4)
5)
6)
7)

A big thank-you for getting this far!

- David

Attachment: 10 page sample.zip (Downloaded 0 times)

Last edited on Sun Aug 9th, 2015 10:23 pm by Mr Dee O

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 Posted: Wed Aug 12th, 2015 04:25 am
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2nd Post
Allan_West
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Alrighty, I gave her a read!

For the copy/paste thing:
1) No
2) Yes
3) No
4) Yes
5) Yes
6) Yes
7) No

Firstly, I'm not sure what the plot is. I don't see any story or advancing characters. This, to me, is a practice play. You have some great points, good dialogue, spot on direction, but it's otherwise dragging. Of course this is me reading only a fourth of what it is.

I know it's a bit blunt, but I think you can do better with plot and structure. And not sure why you have to dive into weird sexual themes, but I'm old school and believe you should write what comes to you.

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 Posted: Sat Aug 15th, 2015 08:50 am
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3rd Post
Mr Dee O
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Joined: Tue Aug 4th, 2015
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Allan_West wrote:
Alrighty, I gave her a read!

For the copy/paste thing:
1) No
2) Yes
3) No
4) Yes
5) Yes
6) Yes
7) No

Firstly, I'm not sure what the plot is. I don't see any story or advancing characters. This, to me, is a practice play. You have some great points, good dialogue, spot on direction, but it's otherwise dragging. Of course this is me reading only a fourth of what it is.

I know it's a bit blunt, but I think you can do better with plot and structure. And not sure why you have to dive into weird sexual themes, but I'm old school and believe you should write what comes to you.


Thank you so much for the reply! :)

You're really kind for reading this and it's much appreciated.

Let's think, I don't actually like the fact this play took to the weird sexual theme side of things, it just happened that way. I really want the next thing I write to be a play for everyone... :(

You're absolutely right that the dialogue drags, oh boy does it drag. Oh god what have I done? :p

All of these things that are shown now are addressed later on, for example John being mean to Thompson's interests in love end up in Thompson taking pictures of John in coitus with Marlene and giving them to her husband Bill who is introduced straight away after Strapp runs off. The lingerie Strapp left with is recalled 3-4 times later on in different scenes and gets him and everyone else in increasingly more trouble. The hamster is Strapps driving force by which to pursue Marlene (new softness) and all that, but that doesn't really satisfy him. The plot really kicks off after this long introduction is done, and characters change from being alive to dead, rich to poor, happy to sad... *shrug*

I agree that this introductory phase is a very dull part of the play, in fact, it actually fails to introduce characters and show them as they are and it is kind of mayhemic. The play was initially supposed to be about 70-80 pages when I started writing it, and I ended up finishing the major plot dynamics far too quickly which constricted the story and any padding I feel like I could introduce would feel 'shoved in there'

I suppose the mistakes I've made are pretty much 'done for' now the whole thing is finished, and the content is like 'Nooooooooo =(' - all in all:

Thanks once again for the feedback. I appreciate it ^_^ It means a lot that someone could actually stomach 10 pages of this ridiculous nonsense I've written! :)

Last edited on Sat Aug 15th, 2015 08:52 am by Mr Dee O

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