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The Playwrights Forum > The Art & Craft of Writing > Poet's Corner : Critique my Poem > tenure

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 Posted: Tue Oct 17th, 2006 07:08 pm
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timmy
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Joined: Fri Jun 9th, 2006
Location: Oz, Minnesota USA
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Mana: 
i still see them when
i look in student hall
way glass, simplistic
dead obituary math:
chris, kayla, michele
their still ages,
all mothers survived

i still see them when
their images catch
on each inner pulp,
veins delicate

i still hear them
ripping theme sheets
from spiraled notebooks

small hands, all, their eyes 
read Keats & all favored
pencils, in lieu of error

michele: an apprentice of frailty,
i remember most, soft girl with hard parents
she once journaled of water

in a jar, pendulum sky,
running off and loving herself because no one else would

she made herself a morning sun swing,
singing herself into a dark sleep,
dancing, swaying,
finally tiring of waiting
for someone who would ask

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 Posted: Fri Oct 20th, 2006 11:10 pm
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scenedreamer
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Mana: 
I wanted you to know I read your poem.  I like the others you have posted much more.  You are a good poet, but this one just didn't capture my imagination.

The images don't evoke memories, thoughts, or feelings.  They seem obscure and unrelated, more confusing than fulfilling. 

That doesn't mean it is not good.  It may mean I am dense.  But I think you have done better work.

sd

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 Posted: Sat Oct 21st, 2006 12:01 am
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timmy
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Mana: 
...honesty is the best policy. Thanks for the read.

timmy

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