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The Playwrights Forum > The Art & Craft of Writing > Poet's Corner : Critique my Poem > ONCE UPON A TIME

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ONCE UPON A TIME  Rating:  Rating
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 Posted: Wed Apr 20th, 2016 08:54 pm
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Edd
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Once Upon A Time

I was in your head
yes I truly was
remember we spoke
mind to mind
did you hear
did you know
I was listening
to thoughts you thought
I thought this could never be
they must have never been
yet my illusion persists
haunting
daunting
seducing
a risky pleasure
mixed with fear
so irresistible
I did not want it to end
did you feel the same
did you feel the future
the cannot-be-happening
encounter with the impossible
and I didn’t know the etiquette.

~ECW, Denver, 4/18/2014

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 Posted: Sun Apr 24th, 2016 07:43 pm
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timmy
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Edd,

Like the undulations and repetitions (e.g. I was, I truly was...& again here: did you hear / did you know & other places.

"persistent / persists"...not sure about that one. Kind of a tongue twister, this one. But maybe it works b/c of the hard sound and/or negative connotation of the image. I like it but I don't kind of thing.

This poem would sound really, really good read aloud, I think.

The ending is boss. Enjoyed reading this.

timmy

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 Posted: Tue Apr 26th, 2016 11:11 pm
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Edd
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timmy,

Thank you much for your comments. When they come from a real poet, I listen, I'm grateful. You are right on about the persistent/persists thing. I am going with 'persists'. See above for edited. Thank you, sir, but one last thing: I thought we stopped using "boss" when Central Park was a flower pot. ;)

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