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The Playwrights Forum > The Art & Craft of Writing > Poet's Corner : Critique my Poem > Time

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 Posted: Sun Oct 20th, 2019 08:22 pm
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David R. Garland
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Time

Time,
Like the vulture flies
High in thin, wispy near cloudless skies.
In our youth,
Merely a speck in our eyes
There was time.
    Seemingly endless, time.

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 Posted: Wed Oct 23rd, 2019 03:33 am
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timmy
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I'd get rid of the capitalized first line / every line. It offers nothing but confusion to the reader.

Like the vulture image...grabs me. Might consider creating a stanza break after L3.
Maybe again afte L6. Last line should be by itself. But I don't understand the comma in the last line. Purpose?

Maybe even create another two line stanza from the last line.

Last edited on Wed Oct 23rd, 2019 03:34 am by timmy

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 Posted: Wed Oct 23rd, 2019 08:19 am
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David R. Garland
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Time,
Like the vulture flies
High in thin, wispy near cloudless skies.

In our youth,
Merely a speck in our eyes
There was time.

Seemingly endless
time.

OK, I have thought on your comments, and with most I agree. The superfluous comma, and the stanza breaks, are notions that I wholeheartedly concur with. Thank you. As far a the capitalization? That was just how I was taught, I am old, and I wonder if it is truly such a big deal? I guess, I just adore the traditional aspects of it. Foolish of me as it maybe. I will think more on it. Thank you, for your time, and thoughtful consideration.

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