The only four bits that stuck out to me as maybe requiring a minor look were typographical; you've obviously (I assume) consciously structured it so that the lines get progressively longer and shorter (I'm sure there's a name for it!) but you breach the rule four times - they're obvious. For me, I felt just the teensiest bit saddened - like looking at a brilliant watercolour (which I collect) where there is a small blemish on one small part of a frame. For me, it niggles. It detracts from the main. I'd have to change the frame, so as not to ruin my enjoyment of the content.
My handle is Poet, but that's a total fluke because of my first post - when I didn't, to be honest, intend to get hooked on this wonderful, supportive, creative place - and I generally don't comment on the poetry here mainly because I'm frankly too thick to understand most of it. But this had a strange effect; it made me feel happy and incredibly sad at the same time, and I don't know why. Did you intend that?
I think it was this exchange; is this the four people's voices I hear? If so then it's truly well observed, and extraordinarily poignant; if I'm right (and I'm probably not) there's a huge backstory summed up by
What’s for dinner baby?
Do that again and I’m leaving
I like everything about you but you're not him
Let’s get a Christmas tree Daddy
I hear four (ok, possibly three, and maybe even two if I'm really wide of the mark) voices, which damn near bring me to tears. But, as I say, I'm not best placed to judge; however, it made me think, it made me read it again, and again, and again, and think again... and I enjoyed it. I can't do this depth; that's why I (try and) write comedy. But I have massive respect for those that can.
Thanks Mr Watts!
PS As an aside - just think - how much does Mr Thain save us on books, being able to read this stuff every day for free, and (maybe) improve our own work at the same time? And it cost him to set this up and maintain it! I know I'm a newbie, not in the league of many here, and it's really not my place to say - but thanks, Paul. If you're ever down Gloucester / Cheltenham way, the best lunch you can imagine is on me! And you can genuinely call that in with a PM any time you want to (in fact, I'd be peeved if you didn't).
Thank you for the comment. I wrote the poem yesterday for an open mic poetry session at a local Starbucks in the evening. I intend to work more on this piece and hopefully make the line conform to the obvious attempt to control the pattern.
There are four voices intended. They come from personal sources but hopefully are universal.