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The Playwrights Forum > The Art & Craft of Writing > Poet's Corner : Critique my Poem > QUEEN TAKES PAWN

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 Posted: Wed Dec 6th, 2006 02:01 pm
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Poet
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Joined: Sun Aug 20th, 2006
Location: Gloucester, United Kingdom
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Mana: 
QUEEN TAKES PAWN

The ink-stained subject of somebody’s lies
Advanced on Honshu – a dramatic surprise
For the clerk and the merchant as they turned to the skies,
To a fierce second sun burning into their eyes.
Neither could possibly ever surmise
In their pain, by their dying, and with their last cries
There lay peace and lay harmony – a war’s duel prize.

Forty-five thousand were lost without trace
And dismissed to the air where they needed no grave.
A similar number, ceremoniously laid
In a time-honoured graveyard were entitled ‘The Brave –
They Died The Lives Of Millions To Save’.

Let no-one forget, nor excuse, nor dismiss,
Hiroshima, Nagasaki, and the torturers’ kiss.

Last edited on Wed Dec 6th, 2006 02:01 pm by Poet

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 Posted: Thu Dec 7th, 2006 12:05 am
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timmy
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Mana: 
the message is clear and hits like a hammer...last couplet is strong, which should be.

...bothered a bit by the break in rhyme scheme:  "trace" seems out of place (pun).  Even "laid" could be an "eye" rhyme with "-ave" but that too seems a bit out of kilter.

...perhaps even "lest" (3rd stanza) would add to the "vintage" sound of the poem...just a thought.  I admire poets who deal in sound, as well as meaning.  Well done.

timmy

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 Posted: Thu Dec 7th, 2006 03:51 pm
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Poet
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Mana: 
Thanks timmy.

This was by way of an experiment - I wrote it in 1976 when I was 15!

Must have been going through a CND phase or something!

Might try and rewrite it just for a laugh...

 

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The Playwrights Forum > The Art & Craft of Writing > Poet's Corner : Critique my Poem > QUEEN TAKES PAWN Top




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