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The Playwrights Forum > The Art & Craft of Writing > Poet's Corner : Critique my Poem > When Yemoja cried

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When Yemoja cried  Rate Topic 
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 Posted: Fri Dec 29th, 2006 03:14 pm
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timothy
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Joined: Fri Dec 15th, 2006
Location: Chicago, Illinois USA
Posts: 20
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Mana: 
When Yemoja cried



Two seasons my strength unknown

In a trek to find future fulfillment

A hilly-rocky Savannah

An abode for double nights

First night that began the night of two seasons untouched strength

My abandoned virility

Echoed a thunderous return

At the sight of Yemoja-

 

Ever proud-jacking

Ever boasting-nodding

Nodding as Ogun at war

Ready to path the red sea at Yemoja’s laps

 

Yemoja and I on the chthonic

On whose breast our union began-

 

Cloud formed

Rain set

 

The silent night sang to the convivial of a new birth

 

Halt! Yemoja ordered

 

My strength known… laughter no more

My rain ceased… pains known

 

Had Yemoja permitted our unified union

The whitish water from the gland of life

Would’ve set the captives at liberty

Would’ve germinated our seed-if planted

 

But when non thought of our silent strive

Yemoja wept

And our mission not assuaged.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

*Yemoja-sea goddess associated with beauty,      *Ogun-the legendary god of iron

Last edited on Tue Aug 24th, 2010 03:44 pm by timothy

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 Posted: Tue Feb 13th, 2007 01:25 pm
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J Brian Long
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Joined: Tue Jan 30th, 2007
Location: USA
Posts: 77
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Mana: 
There is something in your phrasing that I find appealing, refreshing. Lines

like:

"Two seasons my strength unknown"

and

"...double nights

First night that began the night of two seasons untouched strength"

and

"Ever proud-jacking

Ever boasting-nodding"

and

"Ready to path the red sea..."

seem to indicate a willingness to play around a bit with the language that

displays (to me, anyway) a careful adventurousness that generates an intrigue

about the piece.

 

--J Brian Long


 

 

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