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The Playwrights Forum > The Art & Craft of Writing > Poet's Corner : Critique my Poem > To Edvard

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 Posted: Tue Jan 23rd, 2007 04:08 am
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timmy
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Joined: Fri Jun 9th, 2006
Location: Oz, Minnesota USA
Posts: 1082
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Mana: 
(i)
she is not ordinary—
even as she sleeps,
notice the slow, progressive
dissolution of her shape

only the artist can express
what he is seeing, sitting
at the other side of the table,
restless with his brush

unstable, wanting
to scream with dark
oil paint

(ii)
she laughed earlier
in the evening, entertaining
him with her expressive hands

her body moved quickly,
fluid as a gazelle

economic, even

her hair, black tightly braided
scalp, like painted ropes,
now loosed, ends bleeding
into the shadows of the bed

there’s a strange mixture tonight,
silence broken by the clicking
of the radiator, a wire clothes line
vibrates like wind chimes

the artist does not see reds,
browns, oranges—
he feels them
as she sleeps

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 Posted: Tue Jan 30th, 2007 01:30 am
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Anubian Nights Theatre Co
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Joined: Sun Aug 13th, 2006
Location: London, United Kingdom
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Mana: 
Lose the last verse and be confident in what you have already written expressing so much about the feelings of the artist (as seen in the second verse). I also think that the reference to The Scream is giving too much away to the reader - let them do some work!

A whole series of poems about Munch that interlink would be a marvelous project - I have visions of a beautiful little book illustrated with woodcuts for some reason....

I think I know the painting you are writing about and you quite inspired me to get out an old book I have of his pictures to look at it again. - how much more can one hope for from a poem?! 

Great stuff! TKL

 

 

Last edited on Tue Jan 30th, 2007 01:35 am by Anubian Nights Theatre Co

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