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The Playwrights Forum > The Art & Craft of Writing > The Playwrights' Gym - Re-writes > Identity Theft Insuarance

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 Posted: Thu Jan 25th, 2007 11:12 pm
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eezra
Member
 

Joined: Tue Nov 28th, 2006
Location: New York, New York USA
Posts: 29
Status: 
Offline
Mana: 
Here's a revision of this one act. Hope you all enjoy.

                  
 
 
 
                                Identity Theft
                                      by
 
                                 E. Ezra Antar
 
 

                                    (A telemarketer, Rita, in her forties,
                                    sits  in a chair staring at a terminal.
                                    After a few seconds she takes a deep
                                    breath,  mimes putting her headset on
                                    and clicks the mouse on her computer
                                    that calls the next person.)
 
                                  RITA
         Hello Mr. Needham?  My name is Rita Davenport, and
         I'm calling to offer you a once in a-- Hello? Fuck.
 
                                    (Dials again)
 
                                  RITA
              (continuing)
         Hello is this Mrs. Nester? Hello Mrs. Nester my name
         is Rita Daven-- I'm telling you who this is. My name
         is Rita-- Rita Daven-- I'm trying to tell you my
         name!
              (Sighs)
         No, I did not know you were eating a cob salad--
         Yes, I know what a cobb salad is-- No, you don't
         have to tell me what goes into-- -- --I'm... I'm...
         if you just give me- HEY!
              (Hangs up)
         Hope you choke on piece of bacon fat, douchebag!
 
                                    (Dials again)
 
                                  RITA
              (continuing)
         Hello is Mrs. Noche available? Good evening Mrs.
         Noche. My name is Rita Da-- What's that? Oh.
              (manipulates the voloume on the headset)
         Is this okay?
              (Move the mouse)
         How about now? Can you hear me now?
              (Beat)
         Mrs. Noche I've got the volume-- I said I've got the
         volume-- I SAID I'VE GOT THE VOLUME WAY--  THE
         VOLUME-- I'M NOT SELLING VOLVOS-- THE VOL-- Oh fuck
         it. Oh that you heard, huh. Well hear this.
 
                                    (Sticks her middle finger up to the
                                    mouth piece. Then hangs up.)
 
                                    (She throws the headset off and puts
                                    her head down on her desk.)
 
                                    (Pause about ten five to ten seconds)
 
                                    (Her cell phone rings "I Gotta Be Me".
                                    She answers.)

                                  RITA
              (continuing)
         Hi J. No honey, I've got to work late tonight again.
         I know. I know and I'm sorry. I'm sorry sweety. I'll
         make it up to you. I promise you I'll make it up--
         On Saturday-- we'll make a day of it on Saturday.
         Skating. Yes. and a movie. I know. I'd rather be
         home too. I'm sorry baby. Is Maria there? Ask her if
         she can stay till nine.
              (Waits for the reply)
         Shit. Sorry. Yes, I know you've heard the word. No,
         you can only use the "shoot" version. Because you're
         nine and I'm... aproaching assisted living.
              (a breath)
         Alright. Look. I can't come home till nine so you're
         going to be alone for about half an hour. Is that
         okay? Good. Make sure that the door is locked. And
         don't answer the door for anyone. And if anyone
         calls let the machine-- You're right. You're not a
         baby. Alright sweety, I'll be home by nine. I love
         you too. Bye baby.
 
                                    (Hangs the cell phone up. Sighs. Puts
                                    the headset back on. Prepares herself.)
 
                                    (Clicks to dial the next number.This
                                    time we hear a phone ringing)
 
                                    (Lights up on Justine, a woman in her
                                    sixties as she answers)
 
                                  RITA
              (continuing)
         Hello.
 
                                  RITA
              (continuing)
         Hello, is Justine O'Connor home?
 
                                  JUSTINE
         That's me darling.  Who's calling?
 
                                  RITA
         Hi Mrs. O'Connor.  My name is Rita Davenport, and
         I'm calling to offer you a once in a lifetime
         opportunity.
 
                                  JUSTINE
         Oh good!
 
                                  RITA
         Have you ever considered --

                                  JUSTINE
         Where are you calling from?
 
                                  RITA
         What?
 
                                  JUSTINE
         Where are you calling from, sweetheart?
 
                                  RITA
         I'm with First Fidelity Life.
 
                                  JUSTINE
         Really!
 
                                  RITA
         Yes.
 
                                  JUSTINE
         How exciting.
 
                                  RITA
         I'm glad you think so. I'm calling to let you--
 
                                  JUSTINE
         Where're you located?
 
                                  RITA
         Excuse me?
 
                                  JUSTINE
         Your location my dear.
 
                                  RITA
         Well, the banks home office is in New York.
 
                                  JUSTINE
         NO KIDDING!
 
                                  RITA
         Yes.
 
                                  JUSTINE
         That's where my son-in-law is from!
 
                                  RITA
         No kidding.
 
                                  JUSTINE
         A Jewish fella.
 
                                  RITA
         Huh.

                                  JUSTINE
         I like the Jewish.
 
                                  RITA
         Well we've got lots of'em.
 
                                  JUSTINE
         Are you Jewish?
 
                                  RITA
         No.
 
                                  JUSTINE
         Are you sure?
 
                                  RITA
         Yes.
 
                                  JUSTINE
         I think everyone's got a little Jewish in them.
         Don't you?
 
                                  RITA
         I guess. But--
 
                                  JUSTINE
         What are you?
 
                                  RITA
         Excuse me?
 
                                  JUSTINE
         How were you raised... Demomination wise?
 
                                  RITA
         I was raised Episcopalian.
 
                                  JUSTINE
         Isn't that fascinating? Were both your parents
         Episcopalian?
 
                                  RITA
         My adoptive parents, yes.
 
                                  JUSTINE
         You're adopted!
 
                                  RITA
         Y - yes.  But if I could --
 
                                  JUSTINE
         Isn't that remarkable.  Were a good to you?

                                  RITA
         I hate to sound rude, Mrs. O'Connor, but I really
         need to discribe the opportunity to you and make
         other calls.
 
                                  JUSTINE
         Of course.  Sorry dear.  Go ahead.
 
                                  RITA
         Have you ever considered the damages that can be
         caused by identity theft?
              (Beat)
         Mrs. O'Connor?  Hello?
 
                                  JUSTINE
         Yes?
 
                                  RITA
         Have you ever considered the damages that can be
         caused by identity theft?
              (Pause)
 
                                  JUSTINE
         Should I answer that?
 
                                  RITA
         Yes, please.
 
                                  JUSTINE
              (answering)
         Yes.
 
                                  RITA
         You have?
 
                                  JUSTINE
         Should I have said No?
 
                                  RITA
         Either one will do.
 
                                  JUSTINE
         Let me go with No then.
 
                                  RITA
         Okay, well most people haven't--
 
                                  JUSTINE
         Oh good!
 
                                  RITA
         But the fact is that identity theft is a growing
         threat that threatens the lives of many American
         citizens today--

                                  JUSTINE
         I'll take it.
 
                                  RITA
         Excuse me--
 
                                  JUSTINE
         Oh, maybe uncle Ned and my sister Clara could would
         like one.
 
                                  RITA
         Mrs. O'Connor --
 
                                  JUSTINE
         I'll take three bracelets! And can you put the words
         "to my dearest"  --
 
                                  RITA
         Mrs. O'Connor this is not jewelry!
 
                                  JUSTINE
         It's not.
 
                                  RITA
         No.  Identity theft is when someone uses your
         identity for their own personal gain. When someone
         steals your identity to open bank accounts and
         insurance policies in your name.
 
                                  JUSTINE
         Oh.  Oh.
              (Beat)
         Is it sunny where you are?
 
                                  RITA
              (Sighs)
         Mrs. O'Connor please.
 
                                  JUSTINE
         I'd heard about that horrible storm hitting the
         north east and it made me so --
 
                                  RITA
         I'm in Florida.
 
                                  JUSTINE
         Silly me. I thought you had said New-
 
                                  RITA
         The home office is in New York. I'm out side of
         Orlando.

                                  JUSTINE
         Oh I see.
              (Beat)
         So tell me more about this Identity Stealing. I'm
         very interested.
 
                                  RITA
         You are? I mean...
              (scrolls the mouse)
         Well just last year alone there were over one
         hundred and sixty thousand cases of reported
         Identity Theft in this country alone, ranging simple
         credit card use, to falsifying credit statements, to
         purchased homes.
 
                                  JUSTINE
         Oh heavens!
 
                                  RITA
         Yes. Imagine what it would be like to suddenly
         receive a statement claiming that you suddenly owed
         millions of dollars--
 
                                  JUSTINE
              (calls out)
         I'M ON THE PHONE.
 
                                  RITA
         What?
 
                                  JUSTINE
         I SAID I'M ON THE PHONE.
 
                                  RITA
         Mrs. O'Connor?
 
                                  JUSTINE
         JED! I'M ON THE PHONE.
 
                                  RITA
         Alright, you know what?
 
                                  JUSTINE
         Sorry dear. Could you give me one second, dear?
 
                                  RITA
         No, actually I Can'--
 
                                  JUSTINE
              (to Jed)
         RITA!

                                  RITA
              (screamed)
         WHAT!
 
                                  JUSTINE
         DAVENPORT!
              (Rita freezes)
         HER NAME IS RITA DAVENPORT WITH FIRST FIDELITY LIFE!
         Yes. Florida. just outside of  Orlando. What's that?
         Episcopalian. Yes. I'll be off in a minute.
              (Back on the phone)
         Sorry dear. Go ahead.
              (waits)
         Hello?
 
                                  RITA
         Yes.
 
                                  JUSTINE
         Is everything alright?
              (no response)
         Hello?
 
                                  RITA
         Yes.
              (Quite)
         I'm just... just shocked that you remembered my name.
 
                                  JUSTINE
         It's a lovely name.
 
                                  RITA
         Thank you.
              (Beat)
         Thank you. Um...
              (looks at her script)
         Identity Theft... can... can...
 
                                  JUSTINE
              (Interrupting)
         Oh dear. I'm so sorry. Hold on.
              (To Jed)
         Jed, sweetheart I'll make you a sandwich in a minute.
              (Back to the phone)
         Rita?
 
                                  RITA
         I'm here.
 
                                  JUSTINE
         I'm so sorry. He's not the same since he closed the
         shoe shop.

                                  RITA
         Is that what he did?
 
                                  JUSTINE
         Yes. But since he closed the place... I'm afraid
         he's gotten a little senile.
 
                                  RITA
         I'm sorry to hear that.
 
                                  JUSTINE
         I just hope it isn't that Alzheimers. God help me if
         it's that. But, not to worry about things you can't
         control, right?
 
                                  RITA
         I guess.
 
                                  JUSTINE
         ...twhat my mother used to say.
 
                                  RITA
         Good words to live by.
 
                                  JUSTINE
         I know... but... somedays I get so frightened that
         we'll be alone he'll... uch...  Anyhow, go ahead
         with your pitch sweety.
 
                                  RITA
         How long did he have the shoe shop?
 
                                  JUSTINE
         Well, it was actually my father's but all they had
         was one daughter, me, so papa trained Jed. Turned it
         over to him.
 
                                  RITA
         That was nice of him.
 
                                  JUSTINE
         Stern man, my father.
 
                                  RITA
         Old fashion, huh?
 
                                  JUSTINE
         The oldest.
 
                                  RITA
         Really.

                                  JUSTINE
         You wasn't at the table by six o'clock sharp, you'd
         hear
              (scottish brogue)
         "Lassie, if you're not in seat for sup, you wait
         till we're done, eat what's left. IF there's left."
 
                                  RITA
         He was scottish.
 
                                  JUSTINE
         Very.
 
                                  RITA
         Sounds it.
 
                                  JUSTINE
         How about your father. Was he a good man?
 
                                  RITA
         My adoptive father was great. Always seem to be
         there for me... between me and my mother when ever
         she'd...
              (trails off)
 
                                  JUSTINE
         What dear?
 
                                  RITA
         She had a bit of a drinking problem.
 
                                  JUSTINE
         I'm sorry to hear that.
 
                                  RITA
         I don't think she ever considered me her own.
 
                                  JUSTINE
         Well, she didn't know what she was missing now, did
         she?
 
                                  RITA
         Thank you.
 
                                  JUSTINE
         Of course.
 
                                  RITA
         I just make sure my daughter knows she's mine.
 
                                  JUSTINE
         You have a daughter? How wonderful. How old?

                                  RITA
         Nine.
 
                                  JUSTINE
         Oh I bet you love that lassie something awful.
         What's her name?
 
                                  RITA
              (Laughs)
         It's Justine.
 
                                  JUSTINE
              (Laughs with her)
         Really! Isn't that just the darndest!
 
                                  RITA
         Yeah.
 
                                  JUSTINE
         Is her father a good man?
 
                                  RITA
         Who knows. I haven't seen the di--
              (Cathches herself)
         I haven't seen him till I told him I was pregnant
         with J.
 
                                  JUSTINE
         With...
 
                                  RITA
         I call her J.
 
                                  JUSTINE
         Oh. So he left and never returned, huh.
 
                                  RITA
         I made my bed, so...
 
                                  JUSTINE
         And you chose to keep the baby.
 
                                  RITA
         Oh yeah.
 
                                  JUSTINE
         Interesting.
 
                                  RITA
         I mean... I support a woman's right to choose but I
         don't think I could ever get rid of it.
 
                                  JUSTINE
         There are other options.

                                  RITA
         You mean adoption?
 
                                  JUSTINE
         It is an option.
 
                                  RITA
         I... I... I wanted her to know who she was.
 
                                  JUSTINE
         Of course.
 
                                    (Beat)
 
                                  RITA
         Anyway, I guess I should finish making these other--
 
                                  JUSTINE
         Can we go ahead and purchase one of those--
 
                                  RITA
         Mrs. O'Connor--
 
                                  JUSTINE
         Call me Justine.
 
                                  RITA
         Justine... You don't need Identity Theft Insurance.
 
                                  JUSTINE
         Well now that's my call.
 
                                  RITA
         Yes but with your husband out of work and--
 
                                  JUSTINE
         Oh now, were doin' just fine.
 
                                  RITA
         It's thirty dollars a month.
 
                                  JUSTINE
         Just a spit in the bucket.
 
                                  RITA
         Are you sure?
 
                                  JUSTINE
         I'd like to purchase some, please.
 
                                  RITA
         Alright. Well... Let just confirm your information.
         You are Mrs. Justine O'Connor at 434 Inhearitence
         Drive, Monongbay, Wisconsin 53566?

                                  JUSTINE
         Correct.
 
                                  RITA
         And is this number that I called you at your home
         telephone number?
 
                                  JUSTINE
         Yes.
 
                                  RITA
         Is there a business number?
 
                                  JUSTINE
         Non since with lost the repair shop.
 
                                  RITA
         Stupid me. Sorry.
 
                                  JUSTINE
         No problem dear.
              (Rita is silent)
         Hello?
 
                                  RITA
         Mrs. O'Connor are you sure you want to do this?
 
                                  JUSTINE
         Most definitely.
 
                                  RITA
         Alright then, before I get your payment information
         I need one more thing. I need to get a piece of
         information that no one would know so that we can
         verfy you are you should we need to make a claim.
 
                                  JUSTINE
         Let's see.
              (beat)
         Well, there was the time I passed wind in gym class
         and blamed it on Beula Mayridge.
 
                                  RITA
              (laughs)
         No, something simpler like your maden name.
 
                                  JUSTINE
         Oh. That would be MacMullroy.
 
                                  RITA
         Could you spell that for me?
 
                                  JUSTINE
         Sure. M-a-c-M-u-l-l-r-o-y.

                                  RITA
         What an interesting name.
 
                                  JUSTINE
         Folks called him Mully.
 
                                  RITA
         Really.
 
                                  JUSTINE
         Mully Red.
 
                                  RITA
         Why Red?
 
                                  JUSTINE
         His hair.
 
                                  RITA
         Oh dear. Was his hair that... what did they call
         him?
 
                                  JUSTINE
         Mully. Mully Red.
 
                                    (Pause)
 
                                  JUSTINE
              (continuing)
         Hello?
              (Beat)
         Hello? Rita--
 
                                  RITA
         Mrs. O'Connor could you hold on one second?
 
                                  JUSTINE
         Sure.
 
                                  RITA
         Thanks.
              (Thows off her headset and dials her cell
              phone.)
              (Call is answered)
         J, listen, I need you to do me a favor. Remember the
         locket that Nana gave you before she died? That's
         the one. Could you find it. I think you put it in
         your ballet dancer box.
              (Puts the headset back on the other ear and
              clicks)
         Mrs. O'connor I'll just be a second more.
 
                                  JUSTINE
         Not a problem sweetheart. I hope everything is okay?

                                  RITA
         Yes. I'll just be a second.
              (puts her on hold. drops the head set.)
              (Back on the phone with J)
         You got it? NO! THE LOCKET! THE ONE WITH THE HORSE
         SHOE. Yes. Yes. Hurry.
              (Beat)
         Thats it! Open it. What does it say inside.
              (Grabs paper and pencil and writes.)
         Let me read it back to you "To my loving daughter,
         Bonnie Blue Eys, with all my heart,"
              (Questioning the last two words)
         Molly Red?" Are you sure it's Molly? Can you spell
         it?
              (Listen to the spelling)
         Okay. Yes. That's actually pronounce Mully sweety.
         That's right. It would be pronounced Mully not
         Molly. That's okay. I'll see you in-- OH BLESS HER!
         Tell Maria thank you and I'll take care of her when
         I get home. Yes. I gotta go. Bye.
              (Hangs up with J. Puts the headset back on and
              clicks Justine off of hold)
         Mrs. O'Connor?
 
                                  JUSTINE
         Yes dear.
 
                                  RITA
         Mrs. O'Connor did you have a sister named Bonnie.
 
                                  JUSTINE
         No child. I told you. I was the only child.
 
                                  RITA
         Are you sure?
 
                                  JUSTINE
              (ansering affirmative)
         No child.
 
                                  RITA
         Some one with blue eyes?
 
                                  JUSTINE
         Well, my eyes are blue but...
 
                                  RITA
         Was your name ever Bonnie?
 
                                  JUSTINE
         No, sweetheart.
 
                                  RITA
         Middle name maybe?

                                  JUSTINE
         Honey, what's going on?
              (Beat)
         Rita?
 
                                  RITA
         Yeah.
              (Discouraged)
         I thought... I thought... never mind. Okay. I'll...
         I'll take that credit card now.
 
                                  JUSTINE
         Hold on a second dear.
              (Pause)
              (Back on the phone.)
         Hello?
 
                                  RITA
         Yes.
 
                                  JUSTINE
         Okay. I have a Visa.
 
                                  RITA
         That's fine.
 
                                  JUSTINE
         Number is... Oh dear. That one's expired. How about
         a... no... no... Rita sweetheart. I'm real
         embarrassed about this but all the cards... Jed use
         to take care of the finances and it seems he forgot
         to renew.
 
                                  RITA
         Don't worry about it.
 
                                  JUSTINE
         I'm really sorry.
 
                                  RITA
         Don't worry about it Mrs.-- Justine.
 
                                  JUSTINE
         I can call you back when--
 
                                  RITA
         It's okay.
 
                                  JUSTINE
         Oh dear. Well you take care then.
 
                                  RITA
         I will.

                                  JUSTINE
         And you take care of that lassie of yours. I'm sure
         she's a beauty.
 
                                  RITA
         Most definitely. Bye Mrs. O'Connor.
 
                                  JUSTINE
         Bye now.
 
                                    (They both hang up.)
 
                                    (Blackout on Justine.)
 
                                    (Rita calls J on the cell.)
 
                                  RITA
         Hi baby I'm comming-- what's that? No honey. I'm
         leaving now. Yes I'll be home soon. Bye sweetie. I
         love you too.
 
                                    (Rita closes everything up, gets her
                                    coat and puts it on. Takes handbag.
                                    Closes the lights. Exits.)
 
                                    (Bare stage for a about five to ten
                                    seconds.)
 
                                    (Rita enters again turns on the lights
                                    and stares at her headset a moment.
                                    Then puts it again and dials.)
 
                                    (Lights back up on Justine.)
 
                                  JUSTINE
         Hello?
 
                                  RITA
         Hi, Mrs. O'Connor, it's Rita.
 
                                  JUSTINE
         Hello dear.
 
                                  RITA
         I'm sorry to bother you again.
 
                                  JUSTINE
         No bother dear.
 
                                  RITA
         Mrs. O'Connor have you ever... have you ever had...
 
                                  JUSTINE
         What dear?

                                  RITA
         I was about to leave. I was standing at the Bus
         Stop... and... you used the term lassie, when you
         referred to my daughter.
 
                                  JUSTINE
         I hope that was alright.
 
                                  RITA
         Are you sure you don't know anyone named Bonnie?
 
                                  JUSTINE
         Not to my knowledge.
 
                                  RITA
         Isn't... isn't Bonnie a term... a scottish term.
 
                                  JUSTINE
         It could be. Pronounced more like baunny... as in
         Bonny Lass or Bonny Lad. What's going on dearie?
 
                                  RITA
         Mrs. O'Connor do you know of anyone that might have
         been referred to as
              (picks up the note she scribbled on)
         "Bonnie Blue Eyes"?
              (No Response)
         Mrs. O'Connor?
 
                                  JUSTINE
              (stunned)
         It's what my father called me.
 
                                  RITA
         Mrs. O'Connor... I... I have this locket... and...
         and it's inscribed... and... Mrs. O'Connor, I'm not
         sure how to ask this...
 
                                  JUSTINE
         Your father had died before you were born.
              (sigh)
         I wanted to keep you but my parents... they wouldn't
         have it, with me being un-wed and all. I gave a
         nurse money and told her to put my locket... to keep
         it with the baby. I never knew if she complied.
              (Begins to cry)
         I wanted to keep you dear! I swear I wanted to keep
         you.
 
                                  RITA
         It's okay. It's okay.
              (The crying subsides)
         What should we do?

                                  JUSTINE
         I don't know.
 
                                  RITA
         Can I call you from time to time?
 
                                  JUSTINE
         Absolutely.
 
                                  RITA
         Maybe we can meet some day?
 
                                  JUSTINE
         I would like that.
 
                                    (Quiet)
 
                                  JUSTINE
              (continuing)
         Take care of yourself.
 
                                  RITA
         Yeah.
              (About to hang up, stops)
         I'd thought about this moment throughout my life. I
         always pictured what I would say. Most of it pretty
         nasty. I conjured up images of someone cold hearted
         and rude. Someone I could easily hate. Someone easy
         to hate.
 
 
         I can't.
 
                                  JUSTINE
         Not a day has gone by when I haven't thought about
         the baby... they wouldn't even tell me if it was a
         boy or girl... I knew it was a girl. Not a day. Not
         one.
 
                                  RITA
              (unsure of what else to say)
         Okay, then.
 
                                  JUSTINE
         Be well.
 
                                  RITA
         I will.
              (Beat)
         Mrs. O'Connor!
 
                                  JUSTINE
         Yes.

                                  RITA
         Did you... did you... really want to keep me?
 
                                  JUSTINE
              (smiles)
         Most definitly.
 
                                  RITA
              (Takes it in)
         Bye.
 
                                  JUSTINE
         Bye Bye dear.
 
                                    (Lights fade on Justine)
 
                                    (Rita grabs a tissue to wipe her
                                    tearing.)
 
                                    (She exits.)
 
                                    (The End)

Last edited on Tue Feb 13th, 2007 03:05 pm by eezra

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 Posted: Sun Feb 11th, 2007 12:35 am
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2nd Post
leon
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Joined: Fri Jun 9th, 2006
Location: Upstate, New York USA
Posts: 335
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Mana: 
eezra, i just have to say this is one of the best plays i've ever ever EVER READ!!!  wonderful.  real.  hilarious.  fantastic.  can't say enough.

 

HEY EVERYONE!   READ EEZRA'S PLAY.  i'd give you a prize but i think i'd upset edd.

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 Posted: Sun Feb 11th, 2007 04:43 pm
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eezra
Member
 

Joined: Tue Nov 28th, 2006
Location: New York, New York USA
Posts: 29
Status: 
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Mana: 
Thanks for the wonderful response. I thought this piece was dead on the site. It's nice to know it got some interest.

Eddie

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 Posted: Sun Feb 11th, 2007 08:01 pm
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leon
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Joined: Fri Jun 9th, 2006
Location: Upstate, New York USA
Posts: 335
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Mana: 
eezra, i know some will tell you the end (is it her daughter?) is a little too one in a million.  but i think you should do a few readings and see what everyone thinks about it.  you really don't need it, but it's fine.

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 Posted: Tue Feb 13th, 2007 12:53 pm
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Paddy
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Mana: 
Eddie.

I don't think the ending is too one in a million.  I think life often happens that way.  I do, think the story is lovely and sweet.  I love the begining her....no patience, potty mouth.  And I do think you have some tweaking to do here.  The earlier phone conversations feel awkward as Rita scrambles to let the audience know what the person on the other end said.  Why not have them there, like Justine?  Why not have a spot go up on the other people on the phone?

I had an issue with the names being the same.  Trying to imagine this red haired Scottish man calling his girl Justine.  I also had issue with the locket...not because I thought it was gimicky...which it is...but who cares, I am very sure that this girl would have known by heart what the note in the locket said.  Every word, every slanted letter and crossed 't'.  I also felt it went very quickly from when she realizes to when Justine launches into I wanted to keep you.  I think I needed to feel a stronger, longer moment there.

Still, this is a lovely story, one that should have tears flowing.

Hope this helps.

Paddy

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 Posted: Tue Feb 13th, 2007 03:21 pm
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eezra
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Mana: 
Hi Paddy,

Again, thanks for reading.

I agree with the initial phone conversations being a bit quirky. I may still do some editing on that, try to smooth it out. Or use actor's. I'm not sure.

Why did you have a hard time with the name Justine? Is it not something a Scotsman would name his daughter? Please fill me in on this. I'm not married to the name. I would, however, keep the names of the Rita's daughter and the older woman the same. Seperated at birth stories all have strange coincidences like that.

Finally, Rita's adoptive mother never told her about the locket. When she died, she gave the locket to J but didn't tell her where she got it. Rita might have looked at this piece of what she thought was costume jewlery once or twice and read the inscription but didn't pay much mind to it. Still the name "Mully Red" stayed in the back of her mind.

I'm not sure what gave you the impression that she knew this was a locket that had significance. If there was something in the story that went that way, could you pointed out. I wouldn't want an audiance to think that she's been searching for the inscriber all her life.


Thanks for your thoughts,
Eddie

PS I've re-posted the script with some minor changes. The most significant change is:

                                  RITA
         Mrs. O'Connor... I... I have this locket... and...
         and it's inscribed... and... Mrs. O'Connor, I'm not
         sure how to ask this...
 
                                  JUSTINE
         Your father had died before you were born.
              (sigh)
         I wanted to keep you but my parents... they wouldn't
         have it, with me being un-wed and all. I gave a
         nurse money and told her to put my locket... to keep
         it with the baby. I never knew if she complied.



Last edited on Tue Feb 13th, 2007 03:26 pm by eezra

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 Posted: Fri Mar 2nd, 2007 03:44 pm
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Paddy
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Mana: 
Just didn't feel Scotish, but I'd like to hear it said with a thick brogue.  I guess the call is the only one in a million I'd like to see in one play.  The names being the same, for me...just kind of push it over the top.

 

Paddy

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