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The Playwrights Forum > The Art & Craft of Writing > Poet's Corner : Critique my Poem > Edvard's Ashes

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 Posted: Tue Jan 30th, 2007 02:31 pm
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timmy
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Joined: Fri Jun 9th, 2006
Location: Oz, Minnesota USA
Posts: 1078
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          (i)

If this woman be avian,

up on thin legs, fanning

her tail feathers

like the main of a sail,

searching for wind

 

her wings begging,

her tongue a sharp

thorn, she be a ghost

ship by morning,

deathly still

 

the artist's own tongue

a twig in his throat,

she a seeker of nest

 

          (ii)

If this woman be rain,

she would first wash

his upturned face,

and finally with fluid

fingers, she would

in tears, caress his pain

 

If this woman be rain,

she would fall into his life

as small drops, perhaps pool

as his wife & fill his years

with liquid dreams

 

          (iii)

If this woman be ashes,

she would smolder gray

smoke in the morning

having shed earrings, hair

strands, undergarments

in her personal pyre,

her body an evening

sacrifice, leaving him

with a turned head,

sobbing in ecstasy

 

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 Posted: Tue Feb 13th, 2007 12:11 pm
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J Brian Long
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Joined: Tue Jan 30th, 2007
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timmy,

I like what you are doing with "If this...be". There is a sense of drama to it

that appeals to that part of me that adores the sort of poetry that a fair number

of folks now-a-days would call "over the top".

 

The undertone between your use of "fanning" and "tail" is clever.


I like the tongue/thorn metaphor and "deathly still".

This is a good line:

"If this woman be rain,"  You repeat it and nicely so.

This is also nice:

"..pool

as his wife..."

These lines work well to indicate an aging:

"If this woman be ashes,

she would smolder gray"

"Smolder" being a great way to indicate passion.

My take on the poem is probably way off your intent, but I still

enjoyed it. Of the ones of yours I have read posted on this page,

this one is my favorite so far.

--J Brian Long


 


 

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