View single post by Paddy
 Posted: Mon Mar 14th, 2011 05:59 am
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Paddy



Joined: Fri Jun 9th, 2006
Location: Kitchener, Ontario Canada
Posts: 2810
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Mana: 
Alan.

I liked this. I think it's an interesting take. I think it's too long. Sorry...but she asks too many questions, some many times. It feels like a device. Maybe she could guess why he copies the handwriting and it be wrong, and he has to correct her...but right now...it's like an interrigation....and the rythme is the same throughout.

I'd like her to be more horrible in the begining, and soften....makes the stakes higher.

I wanted him to say my Mom...not mother...doesn't feel quite right. At least the two times early on.

If he started in the 8th grade, he refers to the teacher there as if she should know...but wouldn't that be another school?

In the teacher's dialogue, she started a sentence with "And"...and...that bothered me, for her.

I kept thinking through this...someone should diagnose this kid's NLD.

So...I don't think it's too mushy or too sweet...just too long, and I'd like to feel the teacher be changed throughout.

Hope this helps and doesn't deter you...it's really good...just has more potential...I think...which you can toss any time you want.

Paddy