View single post by därkhorse
 Posted: Sun Apr 3rd, 2011 06:39 am
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därkhorse



Joined: Sun Apr 3rd, 2011
Location: Binghamton, New York USA
Posts: 10
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Mana: 
Portions of the dialogue were a tad redundant and probably could be tightened. I think the relationship between the kid and his parents could have played a bigger part of the story. I really loved the idea of him changing the comments for his own self affirmation. You might also be able to get more of the 'show' versus 'tell' into the story... maybe "something" falls out of his backpack, etc. 

I also really love Emily Dickinson's poetry and once quoted a snippet in a play I wrote as well (!)

"My life had stood a loaded gun in corners till a day, the owner passed, identified and carried me away, though I than he may longer live, he longer must than I, for I have the power to kill without the power to die"

Anyway, off topic — sorry. It is a cute play, and I mean cute in a good way.