View single post by Allan_West
 Posted: Mon Jun 4th, 2012 08:53 pm
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Allan_West



Joined: Mon May 28th, 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 35
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Mana: 
It's a decent piece! You could work from both before and after this scene and do a short play. I will say that you should remove any asides to the audience, I think it kills the connection to what's happening on stage in this case. Also I would work on making Mary more believable. Lastly, I think by reading it out loud a few more times you can tighten some of the dialogue. Omit a few dinks like 'do', 'again' and 'then'. Other than that, it's a good place to start for something larger.

For a personal recommendation, I would change the line
"I know. I just wanted to hear you say it again"
to: (Smiles)