View single post by in media res
 Posted: Wed Jul 15th, 2015 12:41 am
PM Quote Reply Full Topic
in media res

 

Joined: Sun Jul 2nd, 2006
Location:  
Posts: 1961
Status: 
Offline
Mana: 
Turco,


Been meaning to read this, just had not gotten around to it.

(I tranferred to a Word Doc. to read it, thus page numbers mentioned.)

Here are a few things.

We get the personality of the Chef immediately in the first meeting of him. He is totally “in charge.” He is most confident. But not arrogant. He listens to the waiter about the Salt! There is no fear of the Health Inspector. The inspection is just “all in a day’s work.” Just another day at the office kind of thing.

THEN on page 4 we get an “Uh Oh” moment from the Inspector.

You do not need “and I am on a mission.” That is redundant.

P6 6 we learn Cagnoli is an unmentionable.

Good and true line: “Sometimes it is those we least expect who carry out the greatest feats for democracy’s sake.”

Another twist on page 6:

CAGNOLINI
Well he’s not. I read the background check. He’s an Unmentionable. Have him removed.


Duchetti gets fired on page 8. Cagnolini's son is to be put in place. This is an interesting complication, considering the mission.

There is a special tone to your writing I have noticed over the time you have been on the Forum. There is a heightend sense of formality. it is honest but stylized. But the situations you have your characters in within the plays call for it. It is as if all the characters often have to act as characters, rather than who they really are, as they are always being watched. This does not stem from paranoia, but from an actual element of the social mores. It is for survival. And they know they MUST do this! Sort of like, "Never speak bad of the Emperor." The society in which they live Makes them do it for safety. Everyone is CYA-ing. Makes for an interesting tension.

I hope you pursue it further.

How is Mr Um? Any more sales?


Best,

IMR