View single post by Allan_West
 Posted: Wed Aug 12th, 2015 08:38 am
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Allan_West



Joined: Mon May 28th, 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 35
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Mana: 
Okay dokey smokey, I gave it a snoop.

First thing off the start, make your dialogue more dynamic early, more realistic. No way Dan's spitting out the first chunk with no interruptions in that setting. Just what I first spotted.

Next, I was grasping for action, something to happen in the midst of the conversations at the start. We learn about the characters but nothing exciting happens. Sometimes when we base it off true life, things can get boring for a general audience. Time to throw in some poetic licence up in this! I would make someone drop the bong, or sploof. Maybe a pizza arrives without anyone ordering it. Maybe someone cracks a tooth on a jawbreaker, something.

You have a good start, but make it more fluid. Too many lines of dialogue without breaks and action. Cut and cut until it's lean.

I like the transition to the therapy session, but same thing, lots of good dialogue, but too many words and back-and-forth blab. Makes it seem stale.

To me, you have a good start, but you're just starting this. Cut and trim, add action and structure, give it life with time and effort. You can do eet!