View single post by privateer
 Posted: Fri Aug 21st, 2015 10:27 pm
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privateer

 

Joined: Fri Jun 12th, 2015
Location: Plymouth, United Kingdom
Posts: 5
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Mana: 
I think the dialogue was cool and rang true. There were moments where the characters seemed to be giving information to the audience rather than talking to each other...and sometimes it was superfluous because you'd already nicely got the message in there. For example:

MIA. Oh. (Beat). Well- I love my job at the pool. Being a lifeguard is so much fun, I just get to chill up there on the chair. Its even better when I get to stare at hot guys all day, there are so many.

"Being a lifeguard is so much fun" feels like it's for OUR benefit more than something she'd feel the need to say. And if you trim that out, it's still clear to us that she's a lifeguard. You could MAYBE even risk cutting out "at the pool". Her friends know where she works. So, perhaps...

MIA. Oh. (Beat). Well- I love my job. I just get to chill up there on the chair. Its even better when I get to stare at hot guys all day, there are so many.

I think actors would have fun with these characters too, which is crucial. They are vivid and real. It's a very promising first draft. Maybe just trust the audience more to read between the lines, so you can cut a few unnatural ones out.