View single post by D.R.Garland
 Posted: Wed Mar 2nd, 2016 06:17 pm
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D.R.Garland



Joined: Wed Mar 2nd, 2016
Location: Ohio USA
Posts: 10
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Mana: 
Hardly and expert, so take my 2 cents with a grain of salt. Overall, good. I enjoyed the dialogue with two exceptions.
1. Dan’s opening. I can’t say why exactly, except to say it seemed oddly placed. More precisely, opening the scene that way was odd, to me anyway.
2. It came across to me as a bit too wordy. Not your word choice which for the most part did seem authentic enough, just would have liked to have ‘seen’ more. Action can convey better than words sometimes, and in my minds eye the scene was terribly still. I like your premise, and believe that there is strong potential here. Keep working on it, and thank you for posting, as I enjoyed reading it.