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|Posted: Sun Jun 25th, 2006 08:18 am||
Dr. Tony Crow 44 - Senior Resident Psychiatrist Raving Hears Asylum
John Crow 38 - Meditation Master. Brother of Dr. Crow.
Pastor Anthony Bloom 52 - Patient of Dr Crow
Dorje 60 - Shaman Priest and exorcist
Oma - Disembodied voice of a Tibetan Lama
Ernie 38 - Proprietor Ernie’s Delicatessen. Afro-American lover of Dr. Crow
Nurse Anna 27 - Receptionist for Dr. Crow
Consultation room Raving Hears Asylum
Dr. Crow: (Speaking into tape recorder) 28 January 2006, Raving Hears Asylum. Case number 11R21. Subject, Pastor Anthony Bloom. Age 55. Admitted under court order 3 January for observation and psychiatric evaluation. His every movement and uttered sounds are recorded on videotape to attest to the authenticity of my observations. The uniqueness of Pastor Bloom’s case had surpassed all known modern medical knowledge. Pastor Bloom is totally convinced that he is dead and that all that has happened to him is the work of Satan. I was left with the choice of both total and utter defeat or to reach back to a pristine time when mankind was less encumbered with the foils of modernity. My mind being made up I decided to telephone my brother John who runs a small meditation retreat centre. I explained my dilemma in detail. John immediately telephoned India and reached the Tibetan shaman high priest Dorje at his Lamasery in Dharamsala. Dorje lost no time and caught the first flight out. Twenty-one hours later Dorje was met at the airport by my brother who escorted him to my office. It was at this stage that events began to take on an even stranger and totally unexpected twist.
(Lights-Up - John and Dorje enter)
John: Tony I'm afraid it may be too late to help Pastor Bloom. Om Mane Padme Hum
Dorje: In my opinion if we’re very lucky we may have a very small window of opportunity. OM GATE GATE PARAGATE PARASAMGATE BODHI SVAHA. ...
John: Dorje has determined that Pastor Bloom is actively retreating from Samsara.
Dr. Crow: Please sit down. I have some questions and need urgent answers. One, I don’t understand this Samsara business. Two, have you any suggestions regarding Pastor Bloom? First things first. Let me order us a little refreshment. (Intercom.) Nurse Anna, will you please send out for three cups of tea.
Nurse Anna: (Intercom) Hot or iced?
Dr. Crow: Hot. Now, Dorje would you please explain.
Dorje: In Asia this world we live in is referred to as Samsara. Call it, ordinary reality. Modern science now recognises that we, our body is mere fever fiber trying to maintain our heat through food and clothing. Simply put we’re shifting molecules in a sea of interacting chemicals. Atmosphere presses in on us and gives us our form.
Dr. Crow: Frankly I must say, I’ve never quite thought of myself in that way. However it sounds reasonable. Please go on.
John: Dorje explained to me that according to ancient secret texts that our body we live in and the senses organs that send their signals to the brain are all processed through blood.
Dr. Crow: Uh huh.
John: The blood brain interprets all that we see, smell, hear, taste and feel.
Dr. Crow: So what’s your point?
John: In the final analysis we are experiencing nothing more than a blood brain hallucination that we delude ourselves into believing as reality. Samsara!
Dr. Crow: God has given us the power of reasoning and this is what sets us apart from all the other species.
Dorje: It is obvious what has happened. Pastor Bloom thinking that he is dead has inadvertently unleashed a large negative power within himself. In time his actions will twist the fabric of Samsaric reality.
John: Reality, Samsara will be irrevocably ripped apart by a force that has been waiting in the shadows since the beginning of time. All will be lost!
Dr. Crow: I’m a psychiatrist and all this metaphysical talk is going way over my head. You’re saying that Pastor Bloom will destroy the illusionary world of Samsara. If it’s all illusion in the first place what harm could possibly happen and how did this all come about in the first place?
Dorje: From what you explained to John I have concluded that a blood tube burst in Pastor Bloom’s brain while he was praying. During the time of his stroke his prayers were misdirected and accidentally tapped in an ancient consciousness long thought to have been extinct. This collective consciousness now awakened within him has only one thought on its mind. Annihilate Samsara, destroy everything!
Nurse Anna: (Intercom) Excuse me Dr. Crow. Ernie's on the phone again. He says he’s got five black teas from England, seven from India, two from seventeen kinds of herb tea and three green teas. He wants to know witch one you want.
Dr. Crow: (Intercom) Can’t anyone do what I ask? Tell him I want three tea bag of black tea and three cups of hot water.
Nurse Anna: (Intercom) Honey, brown sugar or substitute? Yeah, yeah go ahead Ernie . . . milk or lemon?
Dr. Crow: (Intercom) Three bags of black tea and three cups of hot water! So, Dorje if I rightly understand what you’re saying at some point Bloom will be able to, to rearrange the molecules of reality?
Dorje: Well it doesn’t quite work that way.
John: Dorje do you have any Tibetan medicines or mystic practices we can use? Om Mane Padme Hum
Dorje: The only medicine I have is a small pouch of herbs mixed with some powdered bones and knowledge of prayer though mantras.
Dr. Crow: I’ve read in an old copy of the Tibetan Chronicle that you can levitate, is that true?
Dorje: Dr. Crow that was a long time ago and I was terribly traumatised when it first happened. I now understand trauma and recognize this symptom that poor Pastor Bloom is experiencing.
John: In the taxi this morning Dorje explained that he thinks Blooms condition was brought about by a multiple shock to Blooms psychic system. Om Mane Padme Hum
Dr. Crow: He was traumatised by the loss of his late wife in a tsunami. After that he had a stroke and now he thinks he himself is dead. This condition is further exasperated by severe constipation which we are medically dealing with.
John: That’s the root of our problem he thinks he’s dead. Convinced that he’s dead his system release a negative current up and out his crown chakra at the top of his head. He’s created his own prescription for deception. Om Mane Padme Hum
Dr. Crow: Well gentlemen I’m afraid that at this point modern medical science ends.
Dorje: I'll try and explain what I do know. Our body acts like a battery. The heart pumps seven and a half thousand litres of blood through our system every day at a rate of seventy two beats a minute. This movement builds up heat and an electrical charge.
Dr. Crow: Dorje we’re all aware of that, its common knowledge.
Dorje: When the body is denied this charge it dies and the life force attempts to escapes up the central nervous system by way of the crown shakra.
Dr. Crow: Shakra? I’m afraid this is all getting deeper into metaphysics of which I confess I know little of. Can you simply explain precisely what happened?
Dorje: (Laughing) That’s like asking me to define the very nature of your God.
John: Are you saying that he is in communion with the almighty?
Dorje: When the electrical charge was released from his crown chakra it carried with it a strong negative electro-magnetic wave. Since he did not die this wave remained intact continuing to receive it’s charge from his living body by way of a molecular magnetic cord much like the cord that connects a mother to her new born. Simply, it’s like a balloon on a long string.
Dr. Crow: If he were to die, would this electro-magnetic wave cease to exist?
Dorje: Normally yes. In time it would be absorbed back into a new life forms. However, this is a large growing negative wave continuing to receive energy. If he were to ‘switch off,’ that is not die but release the wave everything we know would be destroyed.
John: What of the reports that he’s been heard talking to his deceased wife? Om Mane Padme Hum
Dorje: The force of an ordinary electro-magnetic wave an EMW does not dissipate on any time scale that we are familiar with. At the moment of his wife’s death her ‘heat image spirit’ was trapped within a common positive negative EMW. Now she is forced to wonder in the ether between form and formless.
Dr. Crow: Heat image spirit? I’m afraid I don’t understand your terminology.
Dorje: Our spirit or soul as you know it lives within our living breathing warm body. It is attracted to and lives in the heat of our body. When we die our body heat dissipates and the ‘heat image spirit’ normally escapes up and out the crown chakra within an EMW. Depending on the karma of past actions performed by its former host body it will seek back to a new life form once released.
Dr. Crow: So, if I understand all this, her, how should I put it, her heat soul or spirit is trapped within an EMW and has not gained release. She’s a ghost. Bloom is talking with the ghost of his former wife?
John: His wife is dead and aimlessly wondering in the Bardo. Yes, he is talking with his dead wife.
Dorje: Yes, but you must remember he has not been trained to deal with this matter. Neither he nor his wife have been empowered through Phowa .
Dr. Crow: Phowa?
John: Phowa is the ancient discipline used for the transference of consciousness at the time of death.
Dr. Crow: Transference of consciousness? I’m afraid you lost me again. What I am aware of is that when our body dies it releases a strong dose of adrenaline that acts as a buffer against pain.
Dorje: At the time of death, consciousness arises to unconsciousness. Within a few minutes our brain dies of oxygen starvation.
Dr. Crow: OK. I’m following you so far.
Dorje: As the brain dies it sublimates, it transfers our feeling knowledge to the next highest system in our body, the simpatico and Para simpatico muscle system. About 36 hours later the adrenaline begins to dissipate a little and unconsciousness arises to consciousness.
John: That’s when the Bardo first begins.
Dorje: Awakened we begin to experience the Bardo as a muscle hallucination without the reasoning power of our former brain. In our muscle hallucinations we think we see lights, hear sounds and maybe even have visits by old love ones.
Dr. Crow: An after death muscle hallucination with out our brain, Jesus Christ that sounds frightening.
John: Jesus has nothing to do with this.
Dr. Crow: John I don’t need your snide comment about Jesus. Dorje how long does this Bardo thing go on?
Dorje: Up to forty nine days. The faster we eject our spirit the shorter the time. The last area in the body to die is the genitalia, 49 days after death.
Dr. Crow: You mean I could be locked inside my dieing body for forty nine days?
Dorje: Yes. The adrenaline our body makes dissipates very slowly and wakeful consciousness arises and wanes many times.
Dr. Crow: You were talking about a Phowa something or other.
Dorje: There is a deep knowledge obscured by an erroneous translation of ‘The Tibetan Book of the Dead.’ Missing from the translation is that we are instructed to use the first shock at the time consciousness first returns. This first shock is the strongest and acts like a bow and arrow that we can use to eject our conscious soul up the central channel of the spinal cord and out the crown shakra. Think of it this way, if we drop a ping pong ball the first bounce is the highest.
Dr. Crow: You keep on talking about Shakra. Now what’s that all about?
John: There are five basic power areas in the body called shakras. The lower one is at the genitals, then followed by in ascending order, the stomach, the heart, the throat and the crown shakra at the top of our head where the bones kneads together.
Dorje: The early Greeks referred to the sharkas as Kum Bum, the five elements of the body. Earth, water, fire, air and ether. These symbols are represented in form by the construction of large cement Stupas that proliferate Asia. A square, a circle, a triangle, a cup and a flame.
Dr. Crow: Now wait a minute first you talk about shakras, then Greeks, Kum Bum and Stupas in Asia. I think this is getting a little too far fetched. What is their connection?
John: Over two thousand five hundred years ago and before his death the Buddha he told his followers to go and spread the message of liberation from birth, old age, sickness and death. These monks and devotees travelled from India North to China and West to Mesopotamia in Iraq then to Greece and Egypt.
Dorje: As they migrated further north into Europe they were later referred to as Gypsy’s and though to have come from Egypt.
Dr. Crow: Ok. I’m getting the bigger picture. But what has Egypt and Pastor Bloom have to do with each other? He’s never been over eight miles from his hometown.
John: A lot.
Ernie: (Enters) You girls all look a little long in the tooth.
Dr. Crow: Ernie I think these two are trying to tell me God is going to die!
Ernie: Don't get so excited. I'm sure it’s nothing more than an allergic reaction to those new hormone supplements the doctor asked you to take.
John: Ernie, if you don’t mind. Eternal truth is about to become extinct and all you can talk about is hormone supplements.
Ernie: (Kisses Dr. Crow on cheek) Have you had lunch yet dear?
Dr. Crow: No.
John: Ernie the universe is about to end!
Ernie: Well have a nice hot cup of tea that’ll cheer you up. I’ll make you all one of Mother Ernie’s roast beef sandwiches for lunch.
John: Hold the mayo.
Ernie: Everyone who wants potato salad raise your hand.
Dr. Crow: If it weren’t for Ernie I don’t know where life would have lead me. True, my wife has been less tolerant since Ernie moved in with us.
Ernie: That bitch of a wife of yours will be the death of us all! (EXITS.)
Dr. Crow: Dorje, as I see it, this situation is totally impossible!
Dorje: Long years ago when I was a simple novice, my spiritual teacher Venerable Oma use to say to me: ‘Dorje boy, if you think this situation is totally impossible, the next one’s gonna be one hell of ah Wallop-Ah-Looser!’
John: Is there a way out of all of this?
(Nurse Anna enters pushing Pastor Bloom in wheelchair)
Nurse Anna: It’s time for Pastor Bloom’s daily consultation Dr Crow. Is there anything further doctor?
Dr. Crow: No, thank you Nurse. (Nurse exits)
Bloom: (Looking up) Stop looking down at me! Leave me alone! I’m dead show a little respect. Stop looking at me!
Dr. Crow: How do you feel Pastor Bloom?
Bloom: How would you feel after being physically forced to take 52 enemas? (Looking up) I said stop looking at me in that way! (Looking around) And who in hell are you?
Dorje: Just an old man from the hills of Tibet.
Bloom: You’re one of them! You’re in cahoots with the doctor’s brother. Be damned with all you heathens.
John: Hi, Pastor Bloom.
Bloom: Don’t you Pastor Bloom me sonny. Satan cursed this world with evil of your ilk.
Dr. Crow: Anthony listen to me . . .
Bloom: Satan has condemned me to the enema hell realm. Christine help me. Tell them to go away.
Dr. Crow: He thinks he hears his wife’s voice. Anthony. Anthony listen to me. You’re not dead. The three of us are here to help you .
Bloom: After thirty dedicated years of work I’ve been abandoned on a cold wet toilet seat for eternity.
Dr. Crow: Pastor Bloom you’re not dead!
Bloom: (Indicating up with his forefinger) Tell him, not me. With all that’s going on I’m having enough trouble just trying to breathe between enemas.
Dorje: Let me try something. (Directing comments over Blooms head) You, you up there. I’m talking to you! Who are you and what do you want?
Voice: Well if it isn’t old Dorje boy. Om Ma Ah Hung
Dorje: How do you know who I am? Who are you? OM GATE GATE PARAGATE PARASAMGATE BODHI SVAHA. ...
Voice: Remember Dorje boy I once told you: ‘If you think this situation is totally impossible, the next one’s goanna be one hell of ah Wallop-Ah-Looser!’ Om Ma Ah Hung
Dorje: Oma, Is that you?
Voice: Dorje you were always a little slow to figure things out. Do you think I’d just sit around and allow some misguided bible thumper to destroy the illusionary world of Samsara.
Dorje: Oma, it is you!
Voice: Given his way Pastor Bloom would destroy all of creation including his own universal God. Now if I can get him to hold still for awhile I’m going to transfer my consciousness and enter his mind.
Dr. Crow: Would someone please explain what’s going on here.
Voice: Hello doctor. You all might want to sip a little of your tea this may take a few seconds.
Dr. Crow: Ah, ah, hello there. Dorje what the hell is going on here.
Voice: Yeah. Yeah, I’m almost in. Damn it hold still. Got you my boy. I’m inside. (Blooms body begins to shake) Oh ho! He’s trying to root me out of his consciousness. I see I’m going to have to switch to plan B. Dorje I’m going to transfer my consciousness from his body to yours. Stand by. Om Ma Ah Hung
Bloom: Damn it. Would you heathens stop talking long enough to let me breath! Christine don’t leave me. I have been forsaken. Satans’ horn is in my ass!
Dr. Crow: Let me see. It‘s only the nozzle from the enema bag. Here, I’ll remove it.
Oma: (Dorjes body shakes. Dorje speaks as Oma) Doctor what I observed is that he’s in a partial catatonic trance. His reasoning is impaired affecting his movements. His speech is sporadic and fixated.
Dr. Crow: Anyone with a nozzle from an enema bag up their ass would be fixated. Is that better Pastor Bloom?
Dorje: (As Oma) As you can see Bloom has calmed down a bit.
Dr. Crow: Yeah, I just pulled a long plastic enema nozzle out of his ass.
Dorje: (As Oma) I’m sensing that he’s over the initial shock of my first aborted entry and I’m going to re-enter his consciousness to start the healing process. While I’m doing that Dr. Crow would you please bring the crystal ball from your desk over here? Om Ma Ah Hung . . . I’m in!
John: I’ll get it.
Dorje: Little sparrow you are too anxious.
Bloom: (As Oma) No I’m not going to hurt you. I’m just going to sit right down over here in one corner of your mind.
John: Why is it every time Oma appears I’m ‘little sparrow?‘ I hate it when you call me "little sparrow. Oma can you tell Dorje to stop calling me ‘little sparrow"
Dorje: Doctor, would you be kind enough to bring me the crystal ball.
Bloom: (As Oma) Dorje, you’ve never listed to anything I've ever said to you. I asked John to bring it over here. Give it to Bloom. Om Ma Ah Hung
John: Always that little tension between teacher and student.
Bloom: (As Oma) Little Sparrow, the Medicine Buddha mantra, now! Om Ma Ah Hung
John: See you got Oma calling me 'little sparrow.’ Here take the crystal Pastor Bloom. TAYATA OM BHEKANDZYAI BHEKANDZYAI ·MAHA BHEKANDZYAI BHEKANDZYAI RANDZA SAMUNGATE SOHA
Dorje: (As Oma) That’s it. Look at the nice crystal ball. Look how pretty it is. Yes, pretty pretty colors. Red, yellow and blue. Okay, I’ve got his attention.
Dr. Crow: Oma, you’re inside his brain?
Bloom: (As Oma) Yes.
Dr. Crow: Can he see you?
Bloom: (As Oma) Absolutely not.
Bloom: The hell I can’t, you beady brown eyed bastard from hell.
Bloom: (As Oma) Well scratch that one.
John: Can you make out what he intends to do?
Bloom: (As Oma) Wait a moment. Oh ho he’s honing in on me again. Dorje stand by I’m switching my consciousness back again. Om Ma Ah Hung
Dorje: (Dorjes body shakes. Speaks as Oma) Doctor first let me explain. Dorje here, well he and I are one in the same. From time to time I use his body to host my consciousness.
Dr. Crow: Host your consciousness?
Dorje: (As Oma) Before my sad demise I had trained a triad. Three monks had voluntarily vowed to respond to my entering their body and consciousness if there were any threats to Samsara. Before they die they too will train three disciples each.. In time our membership will expand and our powers will grow.
Bloom: Hello! Hello out there. Can anyone hear me. I need to breathe! Christie tell them I need to breath
Dorje: (As Oma) Oh, sorry about that. (Dorje performs a hand mudra. Mudras are hand gestures which signify creation action.)
Bloom: For God sake let the dead breath in peace. No Christine the enemas don’t work.
Dorje: (As Oma) Yes sir, I have a plan of action to deal with you old Bloom boy.
Dr. Crow: Oma can you just cut to the chase and explain what you intend to do. Short sentences please?
John: Tony will you stop trying to rush Oma. TAYATA OM BHEKANDZYAI BHEKANDZYAI MAHA BHEKANDZYAI BHEKANDZYAI · RANDZA SAMUNGATE SOHA
Dorje: (As Oma) ‘Little sparrow,’ just chant the mantra.
John: I know its just some sort of emotional hang up but I hate being called, ‘little sparrow.’
Dr. Crow: John chant the mantra.
Bloom: Pretty, pretty blue colors.
John: Yeah, blame it all on me. Always my fault. TAYATA OM BHEKANDZYAI BHEKANDZYAI RANDZA SAMUNGATE SOHA . . .
Dorje: (As Oma) Doctor you’ve heard of black holes in space.
Bloom: Yellow! Pretty, pretty yellow.
Dr. Crow: Yes, go on.
Dorje: (As Oma) Wait a moment I think Pastor Bloom is distracted enough so that I can affect transference of consciousness. Hold on a sec doc . . . I’m just going to slip on in and sit right there in the left side of your brain Bloom boy. Om Ma Ah Hung.
Bloom: (As Dorje) A little hypothesis. Little is know about EMWs. We do know for example that it emits a small but powerful wave of pure crystal power. Recently American scientists have created a few molecules of anti EMW matter. These molecules are an exact mirror image of positive EMW matter.
Dr. Crow: It’s all as clear as mud. I think I'm sorry I asked for this explanation. . .
Dorje: What Oma is saying is; if these two opposing molecules were to collide they’d destroy each other.
John: What are you suggesting? TAYATA OM BHEKANDZYAI BHEKANDZYAI MAHA . . .
Dorje: Where he to, pardon the expression, ‘switch off.’ His action would burst the large EMW balloon. A radical charge of anti-EMW matter would be freely released outward into space. As it quickly expands outward it absorbs other anti-EMW matter thus replicating and nourishing its force.
Dr. Crow: Can you just give me the short answer?
Bloom: (As Oma) The anti matter would destroy all positive matter as well as itself.
Dr. Crow: Thank you.
Bloom: (As Oma) When we try to destroy something it simply changes form. You burn wood it becomes ash.
Dr. Crow: A six year old understands that.
Bloom: (As Oma) A collision between positive matter and anti matter that Pastor Bloom would release will eventually annihilate everything in its path and become the birthplace of the ultimate Black Hole of non existence.
John: The Mother of all Black Holes. M-theory! TAYATA OM BHEKANDZYAI . . .
Dr. Crow: Exactly what is a Black Hole?
Bloom: (As Oma) In very simple terms. When a star implodes it sucks in all surrounding light and matter. It compacts matter into an extremely dense mass that light cannot escape from.
Dorje: Microcosm and Macrocosm are the extreme ends of the same string. They adhere to fundamental laws.
Bloom: (As Oma) The older scriptures state that everything is based on a tunnel system of hole, formless and full , form. This can be observed in our own Microcosm as the tunnels, tubes, veins, arteries and holes that go throughout our body. These holes or tunnels are surrounded by the full of our meat.
John: When fathers little full with its hole in the end is attracted to mothers little hole, Bang! Out pops little Johnnie. Creation!
Dr. Crow: John you’re theory of creation is over simplistic and borders on heresy. The way you explain it one would come to the conclusion that creation is the evolutional birthplace of God and that man developed the concept of church and the separation of State.
John: (Cheshire smile and shrugs his shoulders) TAYATA OM BHEKANDZYAI BHEKANDZYAI . . .
Dr. Crow: Oma let me ask you a question. Do you believe in God?
Bloom: (As Oma) First, I don’t believe in belief. Anyone can believe anything they want whether it’s true or not. As to God, I’ve been dead for over 20 years and must defer the question of the existence of intelligent design and God for the theologians to argue about.
John: They’re still out to lunch on that one.
Dr. Crow: John I remind you as a Christian there was a time not so long ago when the clergy would have put you to the fire test for such words.
John: Back then during the inquisition I wonder how many of those Priests were paedophiles.
Dr. Crow: John, I don’t know what you agenda is. I do know that your Catholic bashing demeans you and what you say you represent.
John: My, my we’re a little itsybitsy testy touchy aren’t we. TAYATA OM BHEKANDZYAI .
Dorje: Gentlemen, what is important here is that Pastor Bloom’s action will destroy the entire positive and negative including the forces of gravity, nothing will ever exist again.
Dr. Crow: That I can understand. Yes, Pastor Bloom must be stopped!
John: Bloom will destroy everything! No earth, no sun, no stars, the end of war, terrorism and famine.
Bloom: (As Oma) Yes and there’d be no need to save mankind from their devices.
John: No need to feed the starving little children in Africa. There’d be no fuel shortage or global warming to worry about.
Bloom: (As Oma) The economics of his actions will destroy free trade and our democratic system. We would be denied the god given right to learn from our mistakes.
John: Peace and the hope of a pure land all irrevocably evaporated. Everything gone! TAYATA OM BHEKANDZYAI BHEKANDZYAI MAHA BHEKANDZYAI BHEKANDZYI RANDZA SAMUNGATE SOHA
Bloom: (As Oma) He must be stopped! He must not be allowed to destroy the very foundation of all creation. I will not let mankind be condemned to destruction by the out of control actions of one Pastor Bloom. You, I, all of us will be out of work!
Nurse Anna: (Intercom) Dr. Crow its time for Pastor Bloom’s afternoon enema.
Bloom: No-o-o-o-o-o-o-o not another enema! Christie help me. Help me!!
Dr. Crow: (Intercom) Thank you Nurse Anna. We’ll be through in a few minutes.
Bloom: (As Oma) We do have a small window of opportunity. We will affect transference of his EMW and trap its negative energy in that crystal ball.
Dr. Crow: The shock of separation should be enough to re-stimulate the functions of both the right and left side of his brain.
Bloom: In the name of God no more enemas.
Dorje: Yes we will restore him to the state he was in before he suffered his stroke.and bowel blockage.
Bloom: (As Oma) By prayer, mantra, 'little sparrow'.
John: I really hate it when you call me, ‘little sparrow.’
Bloom: (As Oma) We must call on the mantra prayer of Ultimate Mercy. The mantra to the soul of the living dead! Doctor Crow I’m gonna lock his eternal anti soul into that crystal ball and then have Dorje disperse its power into the Pacific Ocean.
Dr. Crow: Gentlemen, you realize if anyone found out what we were up to, well, we’d all wind up being fitted for a straight jacket.
John: Oma, what can I do to help?
Bloom: (As Oma) Little sparrow I need two pounds of salt.
John: Little sparrow this. Little sparrow that. When is it all going to end?
Dorje: Always a little tension between teacher and student, huh?
Dr. Crow: Its OK Oma I’ll get us the salt. John you just keep chanting the mantra.
John: Here we go again. TAYATA OM BHEKANDZYAI BHEKANDZYAI MAHA BHEKANDZYAI BHEKANDZYAI RANDZA SAMUNGATE SOHA
Dr. Crow: (Intercom) Nurse Anna can you call Ernie and have him send over two pounds of salt. Oh, and tell him to please hurry.
John: Dorje can I ask you something without you calling me 'Little Sparrow'?
Dorje: Ask away ‘Little Sparrow.’
John: Never let up, do you. What are we planning to do with the salt? TAYATA OM BHEKANDZYA BHEKANDZYAI MAHA BHEKANDZYA BHEKANDZYA RANDZA SAMUNGATE SOHA
Bloom: (As Oma) After the wave is securely seated in the crystal ball I’m going to bury it in salt. Simple salt crystals will then draw the electro magnetic wave back out and distribute its force evenly among all the salt crystals. Any other questions?
Dr. Crow: I have one. Given that this wave may or may not be possessed of a collective consciousness, how is it that it chooses this particular time to manifest itself?
Dr. Crow: Religion?
Bloom: (As Oma) It seems I have to explain everything. Always the dead has to explain the reason for its own existence. A religious society accepts and follows an exemplary way of life. It is the way that one gives their devotion to the Being of all creation. Established religion on the other hand is the anti-Christ cloaked as a lamb among the masses. Satan found his way to unite us in one against the other in the name of each others religion and God.
Nurse Anna: (Intercom) Dr. Crow, Ernie's on the phone and wants to know what kind of salt you want.
Dr. Crow: (Intercom) Oh for god’s sake! I always have to do everything around here myself. Put him through. (Picks up telephone) Ernie? Ernie can’t you get it through your thick head all I want is two pounds of salt. (PAUSE) You’ve got eight kinds of salt. Ernie, I’m trying to combat the forces of evil. Satans’ Armageddon his apocalypse, the destruction and end of the world is about to happen and all I need is two lousy pounds of salt . . . No, it’s not the hormones I’m taking! . . . Damn it I am calm! . . . No I don’t want veggie salt! . . . Celery salt? Just plain sea salt . . . You don’t use that in the restaurant. Well go out and buy some! . . . No, I’m not upset! . . . Ernie I do understand you’ve got a party of eight hungry customers waiting. Yes, thank you. Love you too. (Hangs up telephone) Why? Why is it that the little things in life are the most difficult?
John: Satan moves in the shape of shadows in our mind.
Dr. Crow: 'Little Sparrow' the great philosopher.
John: Now my brother is calling me ‘little sparrow’
Bloom: (Speaking to John) See! (Holding crystal ball towards John) See the pretty colors.
John: Will you please shut up Bloom.
Dr. Crow: JOHN! For gods sake don’t encourage him.
John: Then is there anything we can do to shut him up?
Dorje: ‘Sparrow,’ we need an electrical hot plate and a large pot.
John: Now I’ve been relegated to ‘Sparrow.’
Dr. Crow: I have a pot and electrical hot plate in the cabinet over there.
John: My brother heats honey in that pot as one of several ingredient he uses to mummify dead things.
Dr. Crow: Call it a religious artistic expression.
John: Good old brother Tony here refused to mummify our mother according to family age old tradition. No, he goes and gives her an air burial. Cut her up into little peaces, pounds her bones with a rock pestle and feeds her to the vultures.
Dorje: I saw the movie they made of that. The movie ends with the vultures flying off into the sunset as doctors trembling voice can be heard, ‘Mother you’re free!’ Old women in the audience broke down sobbing. Then this small boy in the back row of the theatre yelled out, 'And an hour later she was bird shit on the rocks.’ Laughed so hard I pissed my pants.
Dr. Crow: That’s not funny.
John: (Bends over with laughter)
Dr. Crow: That’s enough!
John: A little twinge of guilt, huh?
Dorje: Little sparrow your little birdie-phobia just got exposed.
Ernie: (Enters panting) I ran all the way! What’s so urgent? (Gives salt to Dr. Crow)
Dorje: John put the salt in the pot and heat it up.
Ernie: That’s a new one, hot potted salt.
John: Obviously, heat speeds up the movement of the molecules in the salt.
Dr. Crow: I get it. The molecules movement charge the salt crystals.
Bloom: (As Om) Once the salt crystals are charged ’little sparrow’ will bury the crystal ball in the salt and Mother Nature will do the rest.
Ernie: What’s going here? First you guys want hot salt and then I hear a voice and no ones lips moved.
Bloom: Orange! I don’t like orange! I hate orange!
Dorje: I’m afraid we don’t have any time to waste.
Ernie: Too, too much male testosterone here for me. I’m going back to the Deli. (Exits)
Dr. Crow: What happens next?
Bloom: (As Om) We must intone the prayer mantra of ultimate mercy and salvation, (High pitched with long vowel) Hrii! We need to duplicate this sound to entrap the EMW in the crystal.
Dorje: On the count of three everyone sing out Hrii! While we’re doing that I’ll affect hand mudras that will draw the wave into the crystal ball. Are you ready?
Dorje: One . . .
Nurse Anna: (Intercom) Dr. Crow, it’s really past time for Pastor Bloom’s enema.
Bloom: No o o o o!! God have mercy on my soul. Not another enema!
Dorje: Two . . .
Dr. Crow: I wonder if Houdini had problems like this.
Dorje: Three! Hrii!
Dr. Crow: Hrii!
Dorje: (Bloom begins shaking. Dorje makes a hand mudra and then grabs the crystal ball) There we got-yah! John take the crystal and bury it in the salt.
Bloom: (As Oma) My jobs done and the illusions of Samsara lives on for yet another day. Bye, bye!
Dr. Crow: I don’t really believe I let myself be part of all this madness.
Bloom: (Gets out of wheelchair) Sweet Jesus save me from these heathens from hell and their henchmen. Christie come on we’re getting out of here before I begin hearing more voices. (Begins to exit, turns at door facing Dr. Crow) Fifty two forced enemas!! My ass may be sore but when I get through suing your ass in court your ass is going to need massive plastic surgery. (Exits)
Dr. Crow: (Calling after Bloom) Wait until you get my bill, you old goat! He won’t stop shitting his pants for a month of Sundays!