This is my first posting in the feedback room, so I hope I get the formatting correct.
(There is a flash of lightening that briefly lights up the set, then in the following darkness after a pause there is the roll of thunder, but no sound of rain. After another moment, the light comes up to reveal a simple living room. Another flash of lightening followed by thunder, this time a little bit closer. Gracie enters in a bathrobe and turns on a light. She goes to the window and looks out. She opens the front door and hollers into the darkness.)
GRACIE: Toby, get in here. It's going to rain. Toby! Toby? Come on… kitty, kitty…Fine, get wet! Don't say I didn't try. (She shuts the door and heads back into the room she left. Just as she disappears into the room, there is a knock at the front door. She reappears looking at the door, and tightening her bathrobe. As she begins to slowly cross to the door, there is another flash of lightening.)
GRACIE: (Under her breathe) One-one thousand. Two-one thousand, Three-one thousand, Four-one thousand. Five- (She is interrupted by the peal of thunder.) (There is another knock at the door, this time more desperate)
GRACIE: (Softly) Alright, all right I'm coming. (She gets to the door and slips the safety chain on before opening the door.)
GRACIE: Yes, hello?
IVY (O.S.): I'm so sorry to bother you, but I heard you calling to … your cat? Toby?
IVY (O.S.): It's just that my car…the weather. I was in an accident and heard your voice. And it's going to rain and I need some help. Please, I don't mean to be rude... but can I please come in before the rain? Please, I wouldn’t ask if it wasn’t an emergency. I don’t have a cell phone and… and… there was an accident…
GRACIE: (Peering at the person through the crack.) Okay, okay. But just for a second. Just so you can call who ever you need to call. (She opens the door to allow Ivy in. Ivy is clearly very scared and upset. Any time the lightening flashes she jumps and the thunder makes her shake.)
IVY: Thank you so much. I'm not normally the type to do this, to barge in on strangers. It's just the rain is coming and I can't be outside right now. It's just all too much.
GRACIE: Do you want to sit down for a second? (There is another crack of lightening and thunder this time closer. Both women jump at the noise, but Ivy looks ready to cry.)
IVY: Yes I will, if you don’t mind. (Just as she sits a heavy rain erupts outside. It's so loud for a second that neither woman can speak. Finally, the sound fades to s steady rhythm. Ivy is clutching her legs in a ball on the couch. Gracie is unsure what to do.)
GRACIE: Would you like something to drink? Something to eat? (Ivy doesn't respond.) How about I call someone for you? Would that be helpful? (No response. More to herself.) Shit, shit. Now what. (She crosses to the window and looks out.) Where's your car, honey? You said an accident but I don't see anything? I don't actually see any cars out of the ordinary out there. (Lightening and thunder, this time right on top of them .Ivy has got completely still with fear.) Hey, hey it's okay its only thunder and lightening. (She crosses and sits next to Ivy, sliding closer as she speaks.) What's your name? My name is Grace, but most people call me Gracie. What's your name? I want to help you? But I don't know how. Can you give me a little help? Can you tell me your name?
(She reaches out and touches Ivy gently on the shoulder but Ivy screams and pulls a knife from the folds of her coat and stabs Gracie in the arm. And then scrambles on the floor to a corner where she sits, huddled in a ball with her knife in her hand, but it appears that she is unaware she is holding it. Her eyes are staring, not at Gracie but at the window or door in horror. As soon as the knife enters Gracie’s arm she also screams and jumps back in horror. She is in pain, but also very scared and unsure what to do next.)
GRACIE: Fuck, fuck, fuck. That hurt, that really hurt! Damn it! Why did you do that? What the fuck did I do to you? What the hell! Damn it! (She looks at the wound, which is bleeding.) What the... god damnit!
(There is another snap of thunder and lightening. Ivy tightens herself into more a ball in the corner.)
GRACIE: Okay, okay, we need to just calm down here. Fuck, this really hurts! I need to stop the bleeding and I need to call the police and get you the fuck out of my house and--
(The next snap of lightening causes the lights to go out. In the darkness there is a scream of fear but it is unclear who screamed.)
Wow. Wonderful set up. Feels a bit more like a film to me. There's beautiful tension here, but I think, when she pulls out the knife and stabs Grace in a flash...smile...any tension or fear or anything you hoped to create with the knife is gone.
Once the knife is used, it's like its power is diminished.
Is this it? You want to keep it this length? Are you going to keep goin?
Nicely done, and thanks for posting this...the first time is always hard.
Thanks for the feedback. I been lurking about here for about a month, and this morning I decided I had to sh*t or get off the pot so to speak so I sat down and wrote that. So, its rough.
I agree with what you say about the power and the tension of the knife being quickly deminished but I am not sure if I want the knife to be the focus of the tension or Ivy's presense to be the center. If that makes sense.
Sadly, I am not sure where it goes from here yet. But I'll keep you posted.
It's a good tense piece, I enjoyed reading it. With my actor's head I would say that the directions are a little too descriptive, it is sometimes a good idea to let the actors and director decide what moves best fit the atmosphere being created by the dialogue.