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 Posted: Wed Jun 4th, 2008 07:44 am
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SnowArmadillo
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Mana: 
 
 
 
               INT. A CAVE- ACT I
 
               Two young men sit on opposite sides of the stage. A large
               metallic machine is framed between them. Mark is on the left
               deep in frustrated thought, obviously bored and angry.
               Stephen on the right, is searching through a bucket picking
               out cigarette butts and throwing them behind him. Finally he
               finds one that is the right size and he sits back and lights
               it.
 
                                   MARK
                         I can't believe you are actually
                         doing that.
 
                                   STEPHEN
                         You just want some of it don't you?
 
                                   MARK
                         I can contract hepatitis on my own,
                         thank you very much.
 
                                   STEPHEN
                         Well forgive me for having my
                         immunizations up to date, I need a
                         smoke.
 
               He continues puffing.
 
                                   STEPHEN (CONT'D)
                         You know Mark. You need to just get
                         over yourself and light one up.
                         damn these little things...
 
               He throws the finished cigarette behind him and begins to
               search for another. Quickly he finds another one, not as
               sizeable, but it will have to do. He puts it to his mouth and
               is about to light it.
 
                                   STEPHEN (CONT'D)
                         And now we roll the dice again!
 
                                   MARK
                         Will you finish with the cigarettes
                         already? This place isn't exactly
                         well ventilated you know.
 
                                   STEPHEN
                         So what? It's our last day here.
                         And then it's paradise from here on
                         out.
 
                                   MARK
                         It fuckin better be. We still
                         haven't figured out how it works.
 
                                   STEPHEN
                         I thought that by the end of today
                         it would just work.
 
                                   MARK
                         Just work?
 
                                   STEPHEN
                         Yea. Like by magic or something...
 
                                   MARK
                         What if there is a trick to it?
                         What if we are missing something?
 
                                   STEPHEN
                         We're not missing something you big
                         worrier. Hell, I already found the
                         can with cigarette butts in it. The
                         machine has already given us so
                         much!
 
                                   MARK
                         Why can't you just take this
                         seriously?
 
                                   STEPHEN
                         I've been in here for three days
                         with you... I'm serious alright?
                         Forgive me if I want to try and
                         spice up the boredom a little bit.
 
                                   MARK
                         Just don't forget why we're here.
 
                                   STEPHEN
                         You know I've been thinking about
                         that for a while now. Why the heck
                         are we here? Oh yea, a homeless guy
                         told us we should come see the
                         "machine".
 
                                   MARK
                         No, were here because he used to be
                         a homeless guy.
 
                                   STEPHEN
                         Yea. I know... What's the first
                         thing you are going to get?
 
                                   MARK
                         Oh I don't know yet. Probably I'll
                         just give a lot of the money to my
                         mother. She'll have a better idea
                         of what to do with it.
 
                                   STEPHEN
                         Yea...for me it all really depends
                         on how we get the money. If we win
                         the lottery like the hobo I'll
                         probably ya know like invest some
                         of it. Mutual funds probably, I
                         hear they are a safe bet.
 
                                   MARK
                         Is that how the hobo got his money?
 
                                   STEPHEN
                         From mutual funds?
 
                                   MARK
                         No from the lottery.
 
                                   STEPHEN
                         I don't know actually, but how else
                         do you explain the fancy suit and
                         car all of a sudden?
 
                                   MARK
                         True.
 
                                   STEPHEN
                         But yea. So if like the money is a
                         lump sum, I just figure a good
                         first bet is to invest some of it.
                         Otherwise I'd have to see how big
                         each payment is before I decided
                         what to buy.
 
                                   MARK
                         I just want to know how it works
                         already. I figured we probably
                         wouldn't learn all of the secrets
                         right away, but we should at least
                         know some by now, right?
 
                                   STEPHEN
                         You think maybe the cigarette butts
                         were clues? Cause uh... I smoked
                         some of them.
 
                                   MARK
                         Past the filter by the sound of it.
 
                                   STEPHEN
                         You think doing that might have
                         ruined the clue?
 
                                   MARK
                         No you idiot. The machine itself is
                         where the clues would be. Some high
                         school kids probably left those
                         butts here.
 
                                   STEPHEN
                         Good thing too.
 
               He picks up another one and lights it.
 
                                   MARK
                         Are you serious right now? Is this
                         seriously happening? Put that down,
                         wait until after tonight and then
                         you can buy all the smokes you
                         want.
 
                                   STEPHEN
                         (with a smoke still in his mouth.
                         Super casual) depending of course
                         on how big the payments are. If its
                         a lump sum I just gotta invest it
                         first... I'll just take the bucket
                         here with me when we leave. (shakes
                         the bucket of cigarette butts)
 
                                   MARK
                         Trust me, you'll be able to have
                         all the mutual funds and whole
                         unused-cigarettes you want.
 
                                   STEPHEN
                         Sweet.
 
                                   MARK
                         So put that bacteria-fest out
                         already will you?
 
               Pause.
 
                                   STEPHEN
                         (takes a puff) Ok fine (takes
                         another, almost puts it out and
                         then takes 2 more quick puffs and
                         then puts it out)
 
               Mark just stares. Pause.
 
                                   STEPHEN (CONT'D)
                         It was almost done anyhow... I
                         think I'm going to take a little
                         nap.
 
               Mark still staring
 
                                   MARK
                         Uh yea. Sounds good.
 
               Stephen lays down and sleeps on the machine. Mark just shakes
               his head. Stephen cannot seem to get comfortable. Moving
               restlessly from one position to the next. Finally he lays
               down on the ground and begins to sigh and grunt in
               frustration. Mark appears to have expected this as he watches
               Stephen's every move with restrained disdain. Finally Stephen
               sits up again.
 
                                   STEPHEN
                         I can't sleep.
 
                                   MARK
                         You don't say?
 
                                   STEPHEN
                         This floor is seriously lacking the
                         comforts I expect from a napping
                         spot.
 
                                   MARK
                         It's a cave.
 
                                   STEPHEN
                         Exactly. What can we do in a cave?
 
                                   MARK
                         Apparently you can't sleep in here.
 
                                   STEPHEN
                         Then light-hearted discussion it
                         is! Choose a topic my friend.
 
                                   MARK
                         Nothing is relevant anymore. I know
                         all of your stories and you know
                         all of mine. I get more
                         entertainment out of watching your
                         boredom than I do out of all of
                         your pointless stories.
 
                                   STEPHEN
                         Well that feels a little harsh.
                         Maybe if you were to contribute a
                         little to conversation. An anecdote
                         here and there wouldn't kill you.
 
                                   MARK
                         But making me have to hear one more
                         of your stupid stories and I might
                         just have to kill myself... but not
                         before I kill you. It just wouldn't
                         be fair having me be dead, knowing
                         that you are still alive, and
                         telling your awful tales. If I go,
                         you go. So if you think about it;
                         it's in both of our best interests
                         for you to just shut up.
 
                                   STEPHEN
                         Well...what's life without a little
                         bit of risk involved? I'll die of
                         boredom one way or another and at
                         least with a story I know you'll be
                         coming with me. And in the meantime
                         I'm not bored and you are annoyed
                         to tears. So please save the
                         killing for the end and in the
                         meantime try to contribute...
 
               Stephen ponders for a moment, he stands up. Thinking of a
               story to tell. After a few paces he comes up with one.
 
                                   STEPHEN (CONT'D)
                         Do you remember that girl Diana?
 
                                   MARK
                         You mean that blonde I used to
                         date? The blonde Diana you only
                         know because of me? That Diana?
                         Yes, I know her.
 
                                   STEPHEN
                         Well... Did you hear what happened
                         to her?
 
                                   MARK
                         What do you mean "what happened to
                         her?" We broke up and I've been
                         happier ever since.
 
                                   STEPHEN
                         No I mean after you guys broke up.
                         This happened... uh like three
                         weeks ago.
 
                                   MARK
                         I didn't hear anything, is she OK?
 
                                   STEPHEN
                         Depends on your definition of OK,
                         she seemed a little shaken up by it
                         when I ran into her.
 
                                   MARK
                         Well what happened to her? Spit it
                         out already.
 
               Stephen stands and turns away from Mark and all of a sudden
               becomes keenly interested in his nails.
 
                                   STEPHEN
                         Oh so now you want to hear one of
                         my "pointless" stories. Does this
                         mean we don't have to die after I
                         tell it?
 
                                   MARK
                         Depends does it actually have a
                         point?
 
                                   STEPHEN
                         Doesn't really matter considering
                         you appear to be the literary,
                         judge and jury, on the matter. I
                         guess it all comes down to your
                         opinion. Which obviously differs
                         from my own.
 
                                   MARK
                         Well as you said; what's life
                         without a little bit of risk...
                         tell away.
 
               Stephen Gets a big smile on his face. Walks over to Mark and
               sits down, he puts one arm around Mark's shoulder and the
               other gesturing out into the distance.
 
                                   STEPHEN
                         Well it all happened when I was
                         working down by the docks. She was
                         coming by looking for ride to
                         someplace, uh... I forget the name
                         but she seemed really distraught.
                         So I asked her what was wrong, and
                         then she literally broke down and I
                         thought she was about to start
                         crying. But then she just locked
                         eyes with me and she had this look
                         in her eye of terror and disbelief. 
 
               Mark rips away Stephen's arm from his shoulder.
 
                                   MARK
                         Why? What happened to her?
 
                                   STEPHEN
                         Let me tell the story Mark. I'm
                         trying to get through it
                         chronologically. I figured it might
                         build a little suspense and maybe
                         add to your enjoyment of the story.
                         Instead you just have to keep on
                         interrupting me-
 
               Getting up as if to challenge Stephen
 
                                   MARK
                         What do you mean enjoy the story?
                         If you say she got hurt or
                         something I'm not going to enjoy
                         it.
 
               Stephen gets up to try and calm Mark.
 
                                   STEPHEN
                         Yea, but you will be more
                         interested if I tell it this way.
                         It all adds gravity to the tale, or
                         at least it would if you didn't
                         keep stopping me right in the
                         middle.
 
               Mark getting slightly more aggressive, with every point he
               attempts to make he pushes Stephen a little.
 
                                   MARK
                         Yea, but you are insinuating that I
                         might somehow get some sick
                         pleasure or something out of her
                         pain. Which just isn't the case.
                         And besides you were asking me to
                         contribute to conversation. And
                         now, when I finally do you lambast
                         me for it.
 
               Stephen backs off and sits down.
 
                                   STEPHEN
                         Well that's not what I'm saying OK?
                         And I'm sorry if you took it that
                         way, that wasn't my intention. Can
                         I just keep going with the story
                         now?
 
                                   MARK
                         Yea, sure.
 
               Mark sits.
 
                                   STEPHEN
                         OK, well like I said I ran into her
                         at work and she seemed really
                         freaked out. I'm not even sure if
                         she really recognized me at first.
                         She was just asking for a ride on
                         one of our boats. I thought she was
                         just being cold with me but now the
                         more I think about it. She was just
                         scared and didn't recognize me. Now
                         this was a Friday so we we're busy
                         filling orders before the weekend.
                         And we couldn't spare a boat to
                         ferry her across.(At least not at
                         that exact moment.) So I took my
                         break, that way we could talk and I
                         could figure out what was going on
                         with her. It took me a while to
                         convince her to get lunch with me.
                         But when we finally sat down, and
                         she got her food, she couldn't wait
                         to tell me what happened to her.
 
                                   MARK
                         What did she say happened??
 
                                   STEPHEN
                         Get this, she said she was abducted
                         by aliens.
 
               Mark gets up and shakes his head in disbelief. A strange
               smile on his face.
 
                                   MARK
                         Really? She always was kind of
                         crazy.
 
               Stephen walks slowly towards Mark.
 
                                   STEPHEN
                         That's what I thought at first but
                         she seemed really convinced. It was
                         that look in her eyes that made me
                         believe her. She said she was
                         walking home late at night, and
                         taking a shortcut through the
                         woods; when they found her. She
                         went missing for three days, and no
                         one knew where she was. She said
                         she didn't really remember
                         everything at first, but said that
                         it started coming back to her in
                         her dreams. Terrible night mares
                         that were perfectly vivid.  
                         Indistinguishable from real life.
                         And in her last dream they
                         mentioned a plan and that they
                         would be coming back. That's why
                         she was getting out of town, so
                         they couldn't find her again.
                         Spooky eh?
 
               Mark begins to pace impatiently, his hands fidgeting at his
               sides.
 
                                   MARK
                         What a bunch of crap. She was
                         always making up stuff for
                         attention.
 
                                   STEPHEN
                         Then why leave on her own? Wouldn't
                         she want someone around to get
                         attention from?
 
                                   MARK
                         Well she got attention from you
                         didn't she?
 
                                   STEPHEN
                         Yea I guess, for about 20
                         minutes... You know for someone of
                         such faith you really jump to the
                         conclusion that other people are
                         either stupid or lying really
                         quickly.
 
               Mark stops for a moment standing perfectly still, says the
               following line, and then keeps pacing.
 
                                   MARK
                         Well they usually are.
 
                                   STEPHEN
                         Unless of course they agree with
                         you.
 
                                   MARK
                         Well then, that must make me bright
                         and truthful.
 
                                   STEPHEN
                         Depends on who is acting as judge
                         and jury...
 
               Mark approaches Stephen.
 
                                   MARK
                         What's that supposed to mean?
 
                                   STEPHEN
                         I'm just saying you can think
                         something is the truth and it
                         doesn't matter how much you believe
                         in it. It's just not true.
 
               Grabbing at Stephen's shirt.
 
                                   MARK
                         If you are trying to say something,
                         just come out and say it. Stop
                         beating around the bush here.
 
               Rips Mark's hands off. And backs away.
 
                                   STEPHEN
                         Well we have been in here for three
                         days... Just like how long we we're
                         told to wait. And still nothing has
                         happened... The hobo probably just
                         lied to us.
 
                                   MARK
                         Have you been thinking this the
                         whole time?
 
               Turning his back to Mark
 
                                   STEPHEN
                         Not really, just once the
                         excitement wore off I got to
                         thinking.
 
               Mark approaches Stephen. Stops center stage.
 
                                   MARK
                         Then its your fault it isn't
                         working. How do you expect the
                         Machine to work if you don't even
                         believe in it?
 
               Stephen walks to center stage to challenge Mark.
 
                                   STEPHEN
                         We don't know how it works. Its
                         absurd of you to accuse me of that
                         it is completely unfounded.
 
                                   MARK
                         Unfounded is it? You haven't been
                         serious about this the whole time.
                         You've completely ruined this for
                         me.
 
                                   STEPHEN
                         Ruined what? A potentiality? How
                         could you not have gone into this
                         without a bit of skepticism?
 
                                   MARK
                         Cause that wasn't the fucking
                         point. The point was to come in
                         here and fucking earn it. To earn
                         everything we deserved. To give up
                         three days of our lives and then be
                         reborn into whatever new life we
                         wanted. And now because of you, we
                         won't.
 
               Stephen calms down a little and backs away.
 
                                   STEPHEN
                         You don't even know that yet. It
                         could be fine. I was just saying
                         how I was surprised nothing had
                         happened yet. I thought I was
                         expressing a worry we both shared.
                         I guess I was wrong.
 
                                   MARK
                         You're damn right you were. Now I
                         might lose everything. You are
                         always thinking of yourself! You
                         even knew how much I needed this.
                         But you couldn't even give me three
                         days. And who even knows if we can
                         try it again.
 
                                   STEPHEN
                         We've been in here for three days.
                         We've run out of food and water.
                         We're fucking bored, and I think we
                         need to get a grip.
 
               Mark walks over to the machine and lays his head against it.
               He wraps his arms around it as you would a child.
 
                                   MARK
                         Damn right you do. You need to get
                         your priorities straight and focus
                         on what you want. Like you should
                         have been doing this whole time.
                         Hopefully it's not too late.
 
                                   STEPHEN
                         Look at yourself. You've completely
                         lost it. I thought maybe worst case
                         scenario we'd lose three days and
                         laugh later about how we had
                         nothing better to do than sit in a
                         godforsaken cave. But now I see
                         I've lost three days and a best
                         friend. I'm out of here.
 
               As Stephen goes to leave Mark jumps after him.
 
                                   MARK
                         You can't leave! You have to stay.
                         Or you'll ruin it for both of us.
 
                                   STEPHEN
                         Ruin what? Nothing has happened.
                         Nothing is happening. And nothing
                         is going to happen. That's why I'm
                         leaving. Stay if you want...
 
               Mark grabs Stephen by the shoulder and holds him in place.
 
                                   MARK
                         You aren't going...
 
               Stephen, getting frustrated, removes Mark's hand. Takes a
               step towards the door.
 
                                   STEPHEN
                         Yes. I am...seee?? Here I am, I'm
                         going now.
 
                                   MARK
                         No you aren't.
 
               Mark grabs Stephen by the shoulder and yanks him back.
 
                                   STEPHEN
                         What the hell is your problem?
 
                                   MARK
                         You. You always have been.
 
               Grabbing at Stephens collar.
 
                                   STEPHEN
                         Stop it. Stop!
 
                                   MARK
                         You always ruin everything!
 
               Mark clinches his hands around Stephen's throat. They
               struggle back and forth, Stephen claws at Mark's face. Mark
               turns his head away and uses more force until finally Mark
               gets Stephen to the ground. The struggling increases in
               intensity until finally it stops, Stephen lays dead.  Mark
               stands up and walks to the side of the machine dragging
               Stephen behind him.
 
                                   MARK (CONT'D)
                         You are going to work... Aren't
                         you... Everything is going to turn
                         out just fine. Everything will be
                         fine. It's all going to work out.
 
               Fade to Black
 
                                   MARK (CONT'D)
                         It will work, life will get easier.
                         Life will be...
 
               Blackout.
               End Act I.
 
 
 
              

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 Posted: Sat Jun 28th, 2008 10:39 am
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Celsun
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Mana: 
The play has an interesting premise. The machine is absurd, no doubt, but I'm not sure how absurd the two characters are, or how absurd you intend them to be. Their reason for being there is absurd, sure, but you can heighten the absurdity by giving a few more details of why they went there/why they had nothing else to do. Maybe. I think of the the plays of Beckett and how his characters, within the first minute, reveal themselves as absurd. In Waiting for Godot, for example, we learn that neither character can remember what he did the day before and it's revealed that one of them rarel takes off his shoes. The guy lighting up old butts--that's good. But how about the other guy?
   Towards the end the dialoague of both characters become more distinct. In the beginning they sound similar. There are a few expressions that seemed to be out of character, such as "stop beating around the bush" and other worn expressions. I know that people use these expressions, and I'll have characters use them in my own writing--it's realistic--but in certain parts of this play I felt that it was odd. That's just me. I stumbled on a few such expressions.
   That's just a first reading. I wanted to get these things across since I have to leave now, but I plan to write more later. I enjoyed the play, but I have to read it again.

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 Posted: Sat Jun 28th, 2008 04:11 pm
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Celsun
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Mana: 
Okay, reading it again I have to mention a few more things. It's fun, the verbal exchange is entertaining and revealing. I felt more tension between the two characters on the second reading, but I wonder if that's only because I already knew what was going to happen.
   Since the only thing that really "happens" in the story is that one person kills the other, I think the method of murder should be of significance, if possible. I have no suggestions, of course.

Good work.

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 Posted: Fri Jul 4th, 2008 08:01 pm
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AustinS
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Mana: 
So first off I just want to say that I am the same guy as SnowArmadillo. I forgot my password and password recovery didn't work, for some reason(s) unknown.  But I read your post and I really wanted reply so I made a new login and now here we are.

Anyways, thanks a lot for your post. You alleviated many worries and created new and exciting ones. I'm struggling here in my second draft. I know my characters very well (we're golly good friends by now) but I completely see your point on making my characters distinct. Now what I'm having a hard time doing, is how do I give them more definition and a background without too much expository dialogue? My setting is restrictive (why are caves such isolated places?!) so how much can I have them do? What types of devices make expository dialogue more interesting? Is there any plays you know of that do this really well?

Thanks a lot Celsun for reading my play not just once, but twice. I appreciate that you found it capable of being read more than a single time. Oh and about those sayings like "beat around the bush" I'm ashamed to have used them, I've put big stars around all of them and hope to find more interesting things to say that have the same meaning. Thanks again.

-SnowArmadillo (Aka AustinS)

Last edited on Fri Jul 4th, 2008 08:03 pm by

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 Posted: Sun Jul 6th, 2008 07:06 pm
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Celsun
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Mana: 
Perhaps you should forget all about the cave for a bit just so you can explain the characters to me. How would you describe each of them? I understand you don't want a lot of exposition in your play (and I agree it shouldn't be in there) but go ahead and describe them to me. I'm sure I can make a few suggestions on how to flesh them out a bit, and even if you don't agree with me, at least you'll have something to work your ideas against.



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 Posted: Mon Jul 7th, 2008 04:19 am
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AustinS
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Mana: 
Hmm... Both characters are young men down on their luck. Stephen is easy-going with a bit of a silly streak through him. Mark is usually similar, but his situation is desperate and its eroded his sanity; favoring instead a weird optimism based on blind faith. More so than Mark, Stephen tries to find the good in everything. Mark's desperate situation causes him to obsess and stress and life's beauty is lost amongst his pain.

 I want to have the character's idiosyncrasies to be prominent yet I want to delineate the stress they are enduring (being stuck in a cave for three days takes its toll). I know its complicated for a 15 page play, but I thought it better to give more detail as opposed to less.

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 Posted: Mon Jul 7th, 2008 01:44 pm
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in media res
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Mana: 
Snow,

Become a member. You'll be happy you did. this is a great site.

Maybe there was a software glitch in your joining that prevented you from registering. Most of us will not read a "guest" posting.

Looking forward to welcoming you officially!

best,

in media res

Last edited on Mon Jul 7th, 2008 01:45 pm by in media res

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 Posted: Mon Jul 7th, 2008 05:36 pm
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AustinS
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Mana: 
I'm not sure how I did it... But apparently I'm a member now : )

Oh and just in case you didnt go through all the posts, I'm the same guy as SnowArmadillo. Just thought I'd clear that up.

Last edited on Mon Jul 7th, 2008 05:40 pm by AustinS

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 Posted: Tue Jul 8th, 2008 10:52 am
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tsaurus
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Mana: 
Hi Snow,

 

I read your play with interest – you certainly created an atmosphere and kept me interested enough to keep reading to the end (something of an achievement as I have an attention span akin to your average goldfish).  The similarities to Godot have already been noted – but I was also reminded of Pinter’s ‘Dumb Waiter’ – another closed two-character play culminating in an act of extreme violence.  One thing that Pinter manages to do, that I don’t really see in your play is a sense of impending and escalating menace – you are not sure what is going to happen, but you know something will happen.  For most of the duration of your play I don’t get any sense that they couldn’t just walk away and go back to their ‘normal’ lives with nothing lost or gained.  Perhaps if the stakes were loaded a little more so that they had given up something for this opportunity to be with the machine.

 

Just thought of another example of two characters apparently passing time ‘aimlessly’ but in a way that tells the audience a lot about them and their relationship – the opening of Tom Stoppard’s ‘Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead’.

 

I agree with the other commentator who said that the means of death should be more pertinent.  Could it involve the machine in some way?  Maybe he could bang Stephen’s head against it?  Just a thought.

 

A technical note: not sure what it’s like where you are from, but here in the UK smoking on stage is a big issue.  In Scotland for instance it is completely banned.  In a recent play about Churchill the actor was forbidden from lighting up Winnie’s trademark cigar.   I only mention this because the act of actually smoking the cigarette butts seems central to your character.

 

Anyway, congratulations, it’s always an achievement to get something of this length onto the page.  I think that if you can build up the stakes a bit and escalate the tension, you have an interesting little play.

 

I hope these random comments are of some help.  PS - I had the same problems as you with the whole member/guest status thing.

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 Posted: Tue Jul 8th, 2008 04:04 pm
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Celsun
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Right in the beginning of the play you could have Stephen find the good in their situation (which is clearly bad) as Mark shows his desperation. It could be something as having Stephen’s first line read: “It’s not so bad.” Then you show Mark desperate, fidgeting. When he responds in a serious way, and Stephen shows some silliness. You’ll have instant tension and their differing characteristics are in evidence.
   It wouldn’t be a bad idea to continue writing, all in one sitting, the rest of the play, as if you haven’t written it yet. You can then compare both and see what you want to keep.

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 Posted: Thu Jul 10th, 2008 06:27 pm
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AustinS
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Tsaurus,

I completely agree about escalating the tension and I'm working on adding that in my second draft. I really want Mark's desperation to darken everything onstage. I was considering making Mark have gambling debts to pay, so he absolutely needs the machine to work or the loan sharks will get him. My issue with that idea is that it seems so cliche. So I'm trying to write scenarios to the same ends that haven't been seen as often. But of course that's always a struggle.

As for the death I was just hoping that the immense violence would stick with people. The tableau of choking someone to death just seems haunting. But I want to make it more significant. How is death used in other plays to portray a central message?  In romeo and juliet, their suicide shows their devotion to eachother and how they couldn't stand living in a world without the other. I'd love to get a message across like that but I'm no Billy Shakespeare.  Is their other plays that have powerful death scenes like this?  I'll look into 'Dumb Waiter' it sounds like a play I should add to my summer reading list.

With smoking onstage, I wasn't too worried about it for now. I'm hoping to put the play on here at campus. They've used smoking onstage before so I'm sure its ok. Alternatively, I thought I'd just put baby powder into cigarette butts and have Stephen blow out intead of inhale. I figure that might mimic smoke fairly well. What do you think?

Celsun,

Thanks, I'm trying to make their differences more apparent as I escalate the stakes. The different ways they reacte to the same situation will hopefully help them have their own identities. I'm just writing a whole bunch of different situations for them with varying stakes. Various scenes that as of right now don't exactly fit but I'm hoping that as I continue writing eventually it will all come together.

Thanks a lot guys. All your help is making my play so much better.

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